ZOMBIE TIMES AT LULU HIGH

Through those dusty clouds

2008-12-12T12:11:00.001-08:00

oh goody goody gumdrops.........Morrison? ah come on, anyone could do better coming up with a clever internet identity that would grab my attention and actually hold it.....

lets explore a couple of things----his comment said 'is anyone still reading this?'

well, um, i am still reading it. and afterall, that is what it is intended for.

next-------why, if it bothers you so much what i do and do not write about, or that you are not entertained by it, why do YOU read it? and more so, why are you compelled to comment?

im just completely and totally amused by it, to tell you the truth. i get a good laugh each and every time i see a new comment from someone i dont know........so rock out, morrison! loves it!!

meanwhile, its super cold here, but not snowing yet......and im super ok with that, i hate snow, as i have written about before....though part of me would like to just get it over with so that come summer its not still on the ground, know what i mean?

i am still looking for a real job....its not easy at all, and i feel a bit defeated, as rob would say, due to the fact that i know i am talented and marketable yet i have been asking questions like 'red or green sauce?' as of late...its not easy to take orders from a 20year old tweeker who has no concept of what a career is, she works a job...and thats fine, for HER. not so much for me....rob reminds me often that my pride gets in the way, and he's totally right...it does, but fuck man, yours would too...the other day a couple came in and i waited on them and introduced myself and they KNEW who i was, and so began the diatribe on why im not being heard in their offices anymore.......then, they tipped me 2 bucks. ha! little ray wouldve said something like 'aint life grand' to a situation like this, because he understood and practiced the art of gratitude and knew things happen for a reason....i know i know, hippie fucking bullshit, but when youre in the weeds, its a helpful mantra that can/has/will keep one going...anyway its better than rocking the whole 'god doesnt give us anything we cant handle' angle........cause, well, im still not there, but i do have faith that i will be alright, mostly because for the first time in my life, i have a true support system in rob AND because im always ok, im a fucking fighter, dude.......ha

joy world entertainment company at flag brew tonight........dude, morrison, you should come check it out, yo......

Watching people roll by
Wonder where they're going
Hey, what's your job?
What're you knowing?

Driving to the grocery store
Pull my money out
Passing by the liquor store
Throw my money down

Ain't life grand
Ain't life grand

My wife's got the blues
Now I've got them
Gonna bring her a kiss
Make those blues run

Ain't life grand
Ain't life grand

The sun came out the other day
Through those dusty clouds
And in my mind I was a child
And it felt good!

Ain't life grand
Ain't life grand
Ain't life grand
Ain't life grand

Yea the futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.

2008-11-19T06:30:00.000-08:00

Shit!
Nothing makes sense, so I won't think about it.
I'll go with the ignorance.
Eat, sleep, fuck and flee; in four words, that's me.
I am full of indifference.

What do the old people teach us but how to die (die) die (die) and what do those hissy fits teach you except how to cry, pussy, cry?
Yea the futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.
Futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.
Futile, the futile, the futile so (the futile, the futile)

Taste. I have no taste.
I don't like these tiny portions or your artful abortions of sound,
sealed with a kiss, slathered in the sauce sarcastic.
So go choke on your irony.

What do the old people teach us but how to die (die) die (die)
and what do your hissy fits teach you except how to cry, pussy, cry?
Yea the futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.
Futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.
Futile, the futile, the futile so

I'm eating rat poison for dinner.
Pull the cord from the phone.
I am dining alone, Tonight, rat poison for dinner.
pull the cord from the phone.
I am dining alone. So goodnight.
Love!
I shall not love, yet I'll still sing about it.
I hope it covers the ocean in slime, the drama and drool.
I'm leaking the blood of a fool. (I'm full of it, I'm full of it, I'm full.)
Rat poison for dinner, pull the cord from the phone.
I am dining alone.
Tonight.
Rat poison for dinner, pull the cord from the phone.
I am dining alone. Tonight.
Oh I am dining alone. Tonight. Tonight. Tonight.

♥ i got nothing but say anything song lyrics today. i may not make it through.............

There is an Ocean in my soul where the waters do not curve.

2008-11-10T06:19:00.000-08:00

i dont even really know where to begin..........monday they laid me off of my job. everything has been going so well, my ratings are through the roof, vibe in the office was good, rob and the worm have been getting along, my mom has been off my back, im in a real grown up relationship....in fact the EXACT one i asked for not long ago..........and then BAM! im jobless.....i havent been jobless since i was 15 yrs old!!! the search is not going entirely well, either....ive had to resort to checking out jobs that are not in my field, that are not mentally, spiritually, or creatively challenging...and that scares me. im so fucking manic depressive (it IS impressive) that its not hard for me to slip right back into angry lu, or worse, into i dont give a fuck lu....im so so so very thankful for that which i DO have....and i guess part of me knows im going to be ok...i mean, the world, the universe, the lord, whatever you want to call it, has thrown shit at me since birth, and fuck if i havent made it through....but, and im sure im just not asking the right way, but i would like to have a run of good....without the fuck you at the end...know what i mean? by the way, i efron hate snow and i woke up to a shit ton of it this morning....i gotta get to the beach man...and i mean that very literally, and i mean it metaphorically as well....when i get to the beach in my head, i will be a happy, happy girl.......

namaste ♥

If I could have chosen where God would hide his heaven,
I would wish for it to be in the salt and swell of the ocean.
Carried by the currents to all continents' shores.
Reaching into depths where the sun’s light has never shown.
Mixed with algae and coral.
Breathed in by sharks and dolphins.
Sailed by tanker ships, private yachts, swam in by tourists.
Working its way up through inlets, lakes, and rivers, swamps, and estuaries.
Down through limestone into the aquifer.
Purified by the county, pumped through pipes and out faucets.
Filled into a glass to meet the thirst of our children.
If I could have chosen, I would have been born a woman.
My mother once told me she would have named me Laura.
I would grow up to be strong and beautiful like her.
One day I’d find an honest man to make my husband.
We would have two children, build our home on the Gulf of Mexico.
Our family would spend hot summer days at the beach together.
The sun would kiss our skin as we played in the sand and water.
We would know we loved each other without having to say it.
At night we would sleep with the windows of our house left open.
Letting the cool ocean air soothe the sunburned shoulders of our children.
There is an Ocean in my soul where the waters do not curve.

Act your age, mama (Not your shoe size)

2008-10-27T15:16:00.000-07:00

yes, i know, two posts in one day is a little nerdy, but fuck it.....

1. i am thankful that i am alive
2.i am thankful that my baby is alive
3. i am thankful that she is strong
4. i am thankful that she is so smart
5.i am thankful that we have a home
6. i am thankful that we have food to eat
7. i am thankful for my family
8. i am thankful for my friends
9. i am thankful for the opportunity to feel
10. i am thankful to wake up in a good mood
11. i am thankful for sleep
12. i am thankful for amazing sex
13. i am thankful that i have decided to trust
14. i am thankful that even with out the blessings of our friends, it would still happen
15. i am thankful for the blessings of our friends
16. i am thankful for my sore shoulder
17. i am thankful for the use of my hands
18. i am thankful for the lessons i learned today
19. i am thankful for warm showers
20. i am thankful for the ability to think
21. i am thankful that the cold has subsided, albeit briefly
22. i am thankful for a man who reads the newspaper at breakfast
23. i am thankful that he respects me enough to discuss it with me
24. i am thankful for my child more than i am thankful for air and water
25. i am thankful for air
26. i am thankful for water
27. i am thankful for the feeling of safety
28. i am thankful that my friends dont give up on me
29. i am thankful for men who cook
30. i am thankful for laughter
31. i am thankful for caffeine
32. i am thankful that i can feel his heatbeating too fast when he's next to me
33. i am thankful for bad movies
34. i am thankful for my childs want to succeed
35. i am thankful for her desire to be amazing
36. i am thankful SO thankful to her for saving my life
37. i am thankful to johnny hulsey, for being someone to me
38.i am thankful for new phones
39. i am thankful for muppety pink boots
40.i am thankful that my legs work
41. i am thankful that i was taught to be grateful
42. i am thankful for punk rock
43. i am thankful for straight up emo, and im not even afraid to say it :)
44.i am thankful for baby sitters
45. i am thankful for allergy medication
46. i am thankful that my knee hurts
47. i am thankful that my knee reminds me that i am alive
48. i am thankful for good books
49. i am thankful for the ability to read
50. i am thankful for perspective
51. i am thankful that he loves me for me
52. i am thankful for men who do laundry
53. i am thankful for old friends
54. i am thankful for new friends
55. i am thankful for tim
56. i am thankful that my child is seen as polite by other mothers
57. i am thankful that she has the ability to be thankful, sincerely
58. i am thankful for the look on her face when she is given even the smallest of gifts
59. i am thankful for being comfortable
60. i am thankful for whispering
61. i am thankful for the opportunity to breathe easily
62. i am thankful for being able to heal
63. i am thankful that prince can make my day better automatically...
64. i am thankful for being here now
65. i am thankful that bunny loves halloween like i do
66. i am thankful for corrective lenses
67. i am thankful for half cabs
68. i am thankful for warmth
69. i am thankful that i can feel my heart beat
70. i am thankful for little things
71. i am thankful for chapstick
72. i am thankful for my little sister
73. i am thankful for rain kissed leaves perfume
74. i am thankful for cigarettes
75. i am thankful for his hands
76. i am thankful that i do not have a headache
77. i am thankful that i DO have muppet hair
78. i am thankful for psychic connection
79. i am thankful for the past
80. i am thankful for the future
81. i am most thankful for the present
82. i am thankful that when i call, he answers
83. i am thankful that when he says he'll call, he does
84. i am thankful for freedom of choice
85. i am thankful for making the decision NOT to go to SLC
86. i am thankful for being given the opportunity TO go to slc
87. i am thankful for grant ruby
88. i am thankful for the talent i possess in my career
89. i am thankful that that talent will take me where i am supposed to be
90. i am thankful for the ability to see what slc would be for me, and for my baby
91. i am thankful for fate
92. i am thankful that fate has smiled upon me recently
93. i am thankful for being able to make a grocery list on line
94. i am thankful for things that save me time
95. i am thankful that i gave up baseball for linedancing
96. i am thankful for having good judgement
97. i am thankful for the people i have surrounded myself with at this point in my life
98. i am thankful for oversized hoodies
99. i am thankful for the knowledge and wisdom i have gained over the course of my life.
100. i am thankful, so thankful for robert aaron czaplicki....he makes my heart smile.

because prince owns......................
You don't have to be beautiful
to turn me on
I just need your body baby
From dusk till dawn
You don't need experience
To turn me out
You just leave it all up to me
I'm gonna show you what it's all about

You don't have to be rich
To be my girl
You don't have to be cool
To rule my world
Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your

Kiss

You got to not talk dirty, baby
If you wanna impress me
You can't be to flirty, mama
I know how to undress me (Yeah)
I want to be your fantasy
Maybe you could be mine
You just leave it all up to me
We could have a good time

You don't have to be rich
To be my girl
You don't have to be cool
To rule my world
Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your

Kiss

Yes
I think I wanna dance
Gotta, Gotta
Little girl Wendy's parade
Gotta, gotta, gotta

Women not girls rule my world
I said they rule my world
Act your age, mama (Not your shoe size)
Not your shoe size
Maybe we could do the twirl
You don't have to watch Dynasty
To have an attitude
You just leave it all up to me
My love will be your food
Yeah

You don't have to be rich
To be my girl
You don't have to be cool
To rule my world
Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your
Kiss

We could spend a lifetime waiting here

2008-10-27T13:55:00.000-07:00

im scared to fucking death right now......its been entirely too long since my heart even existed, much less was put up for execution....i have these necklaces, you know---hearts, one that my gma gave me and one that i got from my sis...hearts....i wear them both ALL the time, they dont come off....because i was so convinced that i didnt have one, i thought if i wore it around my neck, that was good enough....robotics.....i talk about being a robot, a lot......because honestly, in order to keep myself sane through my marriage and through all of the hell that ive put myself through, and in order to be a mother to my child, i shut off. completely. completely. it took me 3 days to shed even one tear when ray died, and even then i couldnt muster tears, i felt numb more than anything....it wasnt until we buried him and i had to finally say goodbye that i was able to cry...it lasted about 5 minutes and it was over. this is the man that fathered my child and that i loved my ENTIRE lifetime. and i couldnt feel feelings for his loss....when my marriage ended, i felt nothing....but not even just the sad things have been foreign to me...its been very hard for me since i can remember to process and accept good things as well. i have spent a great deal of my lifetime pushing things out of my head, not feeling anything...for my own good....ive tried so hard to 'be here now' for so many years and truthfully, it has only begun working in the last year or so.....its been super hard, dont get me wrong, but its been worth it...to constantly remind myself to just BE. HERE. NOW. most times i have to breathe and say it out loud, sometimes its automatic ..being with robert is the most automatic ive ever experienced....because i dont want to be anywhere else. my mind does not wander to things i could or should be doing instead of just being with him.....i know how weird this is going to sound, but i have to put it out there, its so easy with him that its almost like we've been doing this thing for years.....its comfortable, its warm, and its real... and it scares me to death.now that im feeling feelings....any feelings, but especially these sort.....there is no turning back....if my heart breaks again, it will be the last time, i will not be able to find enough strength to ever want to care again. i know myself well enough for that...and while i feel like its putting a lot of pressure on roberts shoulders, my heart in his hands, i think he can handle it, and im pretty sure he's willing to accept the challenge.......

'...i dont like that car full of people just sitting there with their lights off like that, if this were the city, man or if it was 10 years ago, id fuckin roll up on those fools yo....wow, is that orion?'

Wake up it's time
We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind
I need to know I need to know tonight

Sweet and divine
Razor of mine
Sweet and divine
Razorblade shine

Patience my dear
We could spend a lifetime waiting here
Maybe this time
I hope I get the chance to say goodbye

Sweet and divine
Razor of mine
Sweet and divine
Razorblade shine

Day after day
Cutting away
Day after day
But anyway

Wake up it's time
We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind
I need to know I need to know tonight

Sweet and divine

But I waited my whole life for just one.....

2008-10-23T10:24:00.000-07:00

Chaos is the complexity of causality or the relationship between events. This means that any 'seemingly' insignificant event in the universe has the potential to trigger a chain reaction that will change the whole system. A well known saying in connection with this issue is "A butterfly flapping its wings in one part of the world can cause a hurricane on the other side of the earth." This is also known as the "butterfly effect"

maybe SLC for thanksgiving? i dont know, i really dont do holidays,and given the choice between sitting between my bros fighting and listening to me ma list all of the ways ive disappointed her over the years, and inflating my little brothers ego even more, and then getting too drunk and fighting w/ chris and wanting to leave ASAP, and missing ray because of memories of thxgivings past--and going to hang out w/ g and watch football and eat pie...this chick's choosing the latter...si? si. i dont know, i may not be able to afford it, and therefore be stuck doing the stupid dance w/ my mother...devin's not even coming!!! nah, forget it, if im not going to SLC, im going to cook at home...rumor has it, a man i know has some ninja skills in the kitchen...NINJA. super ninja if you were to ask him...speaking of ninja skills, this man has my senses on alert...ALL of my senses....its pretty much one of the scariest feelings ive ever had, and pretty much one of the best...i have worked very very hard this last year on getting my head together, and for the most part, ive done well...ppl around me notice.....whatever....ive learned lessons, ive satisfied parts of myself that honestly, i didnt know existed (read: big mike, washo) and i have been completely and utterly content with my life...its a struggle, dont get me wrong...raising a kid in this hella expensive city by myself----its rough. but spiritually, and mentally, and for that matter, physically i have felt better this year than ever....my ulcer hasnt flared in like 7 months....for me thats fuckin huge....havent had a migraine in over a year......i still dont sleep well, but im waiting on the cure for insomnia(robert, buy his hype, its good) to be bottled...and sleep HAS gotten better....anyway im rambling, i was trying to make the point that with a lot of work sometimes comes great reward....most of the time, it comes with just harder work and you have to search in the pile of service and meditation to find the reward but this time, i think it just fell right into my lap...i have to believe that i deserve this....i know how selfish that sounds, believe me....but im ok with it....i AM worth someones respect. i AM worth not being kept in a box (man, i think id marry mikey all over again.....puke.) i AM worth being happy....sincerely, contently, happy...robert is doing that for me. i dont need him in my life...i dont NEED anything, or anyone...but i can fully say (and mean it with all of me) that i WANT him in my life and i have the power to make that decision...do you know how enormous that is in lu land??? he makes me feel safe and honored and EQUAL. ive never ever ever had that. looking back at my gushings over washo, im a bit embarrassed...i took whatever it was that we had and blew it so far out of proportion that it never even had the opportunity to BE anything...does that make sense? i like josh, dont get me wrong, i think he's a really good kid...he has a good heart and will one day be a very decent man. and i think the old lu, the one who still comes out of the shadows every once in a while;like a fucking relapse, really just needed something from him...validation? probably. a cute boy to make out with while delphi was gone for the summer and i had too much time on my hands? definately. i have been locked into relationships my entire life...i needed to go forth and conquer....besides that, i have a soft spot for the innocent ones in my heart....maybe i thought i could corrupt him, or maybe i thought he could clean me up a bit...either way, i shouldve been completely aware of the ridiculosity of it....i am now.....hindsight is 20/20. and as ive said before, im thankful GRATEFUL for the lessons i learned in that time....besides, how could i recognize what i have with robert as being so good, without having seen so much of the bad? see what i mean? perspective changes everything....anyway, he's good.smiling for me is not the usual....well, at least it wasnt before i bailed on phx....but its at an all time extreme right now...my cheeks hurt from smiling...and i think thats good....no? yeah. totally. there is something just very very different about this man........i guess that in itself is one major difference, he is a grown ass man..not a boy who is emotionally fif-fucking-teen, or an adult who has the capacity of a 19 year old....nope, he's fully grown....and i LOVE that about him...its really good for me, remember a couple of blogs ago?? when i wrote about mike carroll? its called 'punk rock girl lets go slamdance.' um, i put it out there, and now here he is...not mike carroll exactly, but better....better because he is reality....i mentioned in that blog that im tired of 'dating' boys and that i really just want a real grown man who is super punk rock but very zen at the same time....well motherfuck.....maybe next i'll write about how i could use 3 million bucks.......

Day after day
I will walk and I will play
But the day after today
I will stop
And I will start my way
Why cant I get just one kiss
Why cant I get just one kiss
Believe me thered be somethings that I wouldnt miss
But I look at your pants and I need I need a kiss
Why cant I get just one screw
Why cant I get just one screw
Believe me I know what to do
But something wont let me make love to you
Why cant I get just one fuck
Why cant I get just one fuck
I guess its something to do with luck
But I waited my whole life for just one
Day after ay
I get angry
And I will say
That the day
Is in my sight
When Ill take a bow
And say goodnight

Sometimes the songs that we hear are just songs of our own

2008-10-17T15:25:00.001-07:00

dang, im on a roll! hahaha, ive actually put SOMETHING down, be it odd or disjointed or completely lame, much more often lately. thats good. 9 times out of 10 i really have nothing to write about, but i have this overwhelming desire to keep my carple tunnel(?) in action, so i continue typing...i still keep a notebook though. you know how funny it is to look back at some of my notebooks over the years? hi-larious! mostly because they are a bevy of unfinished thoughts, lists of nothing, doodles and scribbles, and a lot of letters. a LOT of letters. all of them unsent. i wonder what would happen if i went through say, the last 2 years ONLY the last 2 years of notebooks and sent out all the letters ive written? "Never reaching the end,letters I've written,Never meaning to send." i think it would be hysterical. some of you would get the strangest ramblings....for example, i know of AT LEAST 2 letters ive written to grant. one about me being sad that he was moving to slc but totally happy for him at the same time, and one that i apparently wrote while high on something addressed to jesus....its a long story but at one point i was determined to find the address to heaven and i asked grant, who didnt know either but made for some hilarious conversations..........there are letters upon letters upon letters to mike lander....some never finished...MOST never finished....some about the fact that if i didnt leave at that exact moment, i was going to become the person i tried to hard not to be in my youth...some about how that decision was the wrong one, some about forgiving him for all of his infidelities, and some about forgiving myself for putting up with said affairs......plenty and i do mean PLENTY of lists of gratitude....some stuff for the worm.....and this is just the passed 2 years....i cant imagine going back further....why do i keep this stuff? if im not going to send these letters, and im not going to publish any of the crackpot, bipolar craziness scribbled in the margins, why do i hang on to them? do i garner some odd pleasure from knowing they are there? do i attatch to things like one of those old ladies who has too many cats for the simple sake of proving my existence, or that i ONCE did exist? who knows??? i know that code keeps all of his video game football stats in notebooks...thats odd....but what makes it any more strange than my ridiculous ramblings shoved inside a giant tupperware box? to him im sure its the same thing...parts of himself, parts of his disorders that MUST be documented!!! for one reason or another though, i think we all have a bit of pack rat in us....the question remains however; why? id like to do some sort of psychological study on the nature of it all...i mean, why do some of us harbor EVERYTHING and some of us are able to get rid of things much much much more easily and quickly? this is from wikipedia----- It is not clear whether compulsive hoarding is a condition in itself, or simply a symptom of other related conditions. Several studies have reported a correlation between hoarding and the presence and/or severity of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Hoarding behaviour is also related to obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD). Hoarding rubbish may be referred to as syllogomania or disposophobia.-------is keeping notebooks of thoughts really compulsive hoarding though? i mean, i dont keep other things, really...well, not to the same extreme....i may have a touch of this though---Bibliomania is an obsessive-compulsive disorder involving the collecting or hoarding of books to the point where social relations or health are damaged. One of several psychological disorders associated with books, bibliomania is characterized by the collecting of books which have no use to the collector nor any great intrinsic value to a genuine book collector. The purchase of multiple copies of the same book and edition and the accumulation of books beyond possible capacity of use or enjoyment are frequent symptoms of bibliomania.--------hahaah, but that is a subject for another blog....im going to go right now and send some letters.....watch your mailbox.

♥

eyes of the world---the grateful dead (this song has been in my head all day)

Right outside this lazy summer home
You aint got time to call your soul a critic no.
Right outside the lazy gate of winters summer home,
Wondrin where the nut-thatch winters,
Wings a mile long just carried the bird away.

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world,
The heart has its beaches, its homeland and thoughts of its own.
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the mornin brings,
But the heart has its seasons, its evenins and songs of its own.

There comes a redeemer, and he slowly too fades away,
And there follows his wagon behind him thats loaded with clay.
And the seeds that were silent all burst into bloom, and decay,
And night comes so quiet, its close on the heels of the day.

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world,
The heart has its beaches, its homeland and thoughts of its own.
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the mornin brings,
But the heart has its seasons, its evenins and songs of its own.

Sometimes we live no particular way but our own,
And sometimes we visit your country and live in your home,
Sometimes we ride on your horses, sometimes we walk alone,
Sometimes the songs that we hear are just songs of our own.

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world,
The heart has its beaches, its homeland and thoughts of its own.
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the mornin brings,
But the heart has its seasons, its evenins and songs of its own.

She looked at him and he felt a spark tingle to his bones.

2008-10-16T14:05:00.000-07:00

blood on the tracks may be one of the most amazin albums of all time....no, wait, it definately is....check out jeff tweedy doing this song too, from the im not there soundtrack...jeff tweedy is good....i like the jim james version of acupulco from that soundtrack too...anything really being covered off the basement tapes is good......my face hurts from smiling....a while ago....what seems like a LOOOOONGGGG while ago, i wrote about an author that i fell in love with last spring...i went to a reading of his randomly w/ cody the drunken 4 yr old and his lady love.....after a day of drinking, there really is nothing better than a sad sad sad story being told by a hot hot hot guy...hahahaha, i went home and ordered ALL of his books online. i do believe i even posted the link here so you could do the same...i wonder if anyone did??? ahhhhhhh no....anyway, i sailed through all of them, they are so good...and i started jonesing for more sean carswell....well there is no more...he hasnt published a novel since 'train wreck girl'....and while i am sad, i do understand....i mean, only stephen 'bad endings' king cranks out books 2 a year or whatever...so carswell's last book came out only this summer....patience is a virtue...:) i look in the live today (our version of a weekly, its NOT great) and who should be on the cover????? why sean carswell, and he's doing a reading on saturday here in the mtns....swoooooooooooon. he's also going to be at uptown for the dharma bums anniversary fest...i hate it that james jay always does his lit fests so early in the day...im going to be hard pressed to make both events, but fuck, its sean carswell!!!! im going to come out of my skin w/ excitement i do believe....robert is going hiking that day, and he's going to have a blast...the place he's headed is one of the most beautiful places on the planet and certainly in this state....but selfishly, i wish he was coming to see this reading with me........he's a book nerd, he'd appreciate it, and more importantly, carswell makes my genitals swell if you know what im sayin....hahahah, no seriously. please please please read some of his stuff...he's the founder of razorcake...do you know what that is?http://www.razorcake.org/site/ RAZORCAKE is the first and only official non-profit DIY punk rock fanzine in America primarily dedicated to supporting independent music culture. and he often writes for other zines......he mostly does short stories, like the ones in punch and pie and barneys crew is brilliant.....but this novel of his is SO brilliant. he has a way of telling stories that is very relatable...and i like that, its good. k, thats all, just check him out, and hope for me that i dont ACTUALLY come out of my skin....gross.

They sat together in the park
As the evening sky grew dark,
She looked at him and he felt a spark tingle to his bones.
'Twas then he felt alone and wished that he'd gone straight
And watched out for a simple twist of fate.

They walked along by the old canal
A little confused, I remember well
And stopped into a strange hotel with a neon burnin' bright.
He felt the heat of the night hit him like a freight train
Moving with a simple twist of fate.

A saxophone someplace far off played
As she was walkin' by the arcade.
As the light bust through a beat-up shade where he was wakin' up,
She dropped a coin into the cup of a blind man at the gate
And forgot about a simple twist of fate.

He woke up, the room was bare
He didn't see her anywhere.
He told himself he didn't care, pushed the window open wide,
Felt an emptiness inside to which he just could not relate
Brought on by a simple twist of fate.

He hears the ticking of the clocks
And walks along with a parrot that talks,
Hunts her down by the waterfront docks where the sailers all come in.
Maybe she'll pick him out again, how long must he wait
Once more for a simple twist of fate.

People tell me it's a sin
To know and feel too much within.
I still believe she was my twin, but I lost the ring.
She was born in spring, but I was born too late
Blame it on a simple twist of fate.

Never saw the sun shinin' so bright

2008-10-15T15:05:00.000-07:00

http://healthyliving.msn.com/default.aspx?section=archive&contentType=article&contentId=The%20Power%20of%20Gratitude&GT1=25037

if you call someplace paradise, kiss it goodbye.....

this article deserved a blog mention because its my entire philosophy on life.....and if its on the front page of msn............grrrr, all the ppl in the world searching for something but finding nothing are going to take this and destroy it.....no, im not being an elitist. i wish everyone on the planet would find the ability to be grateful, and mean it. this world would be in a lot less turmoil if so.......however, not everyone is able to understand the second half of that statement AND MEAN IT.....if you say thank yous like you eat your fast food, you will be both diabetic and spiritually void. if you say your thank yous like a robot programmed to do so, without sincere thought given to EACH ONE.....you will lose. its that simple....basically, what im saying as i ramble here is that if you get it, i mean, really get it, then fucking rock on with your grateful self...but if you use this like you use every other teaching youve been given......get out of my paradise. that is all.

Blue skies smilin' at me

Nothin' but blue skies do I see

Bluebirds singin' a song

Nothin' but bluebirds all day long

Never saw the sun shinin' so bright

Never saw things goin' so right

Noticing the days hurrying by

When you're in love, my how they fly

Blue days, all of them gone

Nothin' but blue skies from now on

Never saw the sun shinin' so bright

Never saw things goin' so right

Noticing the days hurrying by

When you're in love, my how they fly

Blue days, all of them gone

Nothin' but blue skies from now on

On 26 reds and a bottle of wine

2008-10-15T13:16:00.001-07:00

got stuck on reading quotes today....i have no reason why.....started w/ some buddha stuff, then moved on to morrison and ginsberg and then i came across one that was labeled 'anonymous' and it struck me....i dont know who the fuck 'anonymous' is but damn..........

“You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

but damn. im doing pretty damn good lately....sort of have a thing, whatever it is, with someone that i respect and admire as a human.....thats new, someone that is well read, well versed in life and has some pretty amazing soul windows.......its very odd...very very odd...but i think i could just sit and drink tea and TALK to him for like hours.....weird....and i dont have to be the one to carry the convo, he has things to SAY!!! things to mean...he understands the value of gratitude and that for me is huge....so, we'll see. i like his skin on mine, and that cant be bad right???? and the piercing on the back of his neck is pretty hot....;) im enjoying the fact that he calls me out on my shit, that he is honest and open and straight forward, not at all flaky, and his maturity level is not that of a 12 year old...thank zombie jesus.hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhahahahaha, i know how morbid this is, but grant reminded me of this song, and it cracks me up......

Teddy sniffing glue, he was 12 years old
Fell from the roof on East Two-nine
Cathy was 11 when she pulled the plug
On 26 reds and a bottle of wine
Bobby got leukemia, 14 years old
He looked like 65 when he died
He was a friend of mine

Those are people who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

G-berg and Georgie let their gimmicks go rotten
So they died of hepatitis in upper Manhattan
Sly in Vietnam took a bullet in the head
Bobby OD'd on Drano on the night that he was wed
They were two more friends of mine
Two more friends that died

Those are people who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

Mary took a dry dive from a hotel room
Bobby hung himself from a cell in the tombs
Judy jumped in front of a subway train
Eddie got slit in the jugular vein
And Eddie, I miss you more than all the others
And I salute you brother

Those are people who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

Herbie pushed Tony from the Boys' Club roof
Tony thought that his rage was just some goof
But Herbie sure gave Tony some bitchen proof
"Hey," Herbie said, "Tony, can you fly?"
But Tony couldn't fly, Tony died

Those are people who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

Brian got busted on a narco rap
He beat the rap by rattin' on some bikers
He said, "Hey, I know it's dangerous, but it sure beats Riker's"
But the next day he got offed by the very same bikers

Those are people who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

Don’t take me for granted

2008-10-14T10:14:00.000-07:00

i try to do my 100 thank yous before i get out of bed but this morning i was very much asleep and satisfied with lying in my warm bed until the last possible second, and you know i have to soak up as much restful sleep as possible.i also wanted to put this up here to show just how hard it really is. try it, please. i think you'll like it AND its pretty much impossible to have a bad day if you are truly truly thankful and arent just writing things to write them. feel every thought.....im just saying....

1. i am thankful that i am alive
2.i am thankful that i am strong
3. i am thankful that i can see
4.i am thankful that i can feel
5.i am MOST thankful that i have the worm
6.i am thankful that she is strong
7.i am thankful that she can see
8.i am thankful that she can feel
9.i am thankful that i have a job
10.i am thankful that we have a place to live
11.i am thankful that we have food to eat
12.i am thankful that my daughter is well behaved
13.i am thankful that she is so beautiful in every way
14.i am thankful for her father.
15.i am thankful that i was able to be with ray for the short amount of time that i was
16.i am thankful that i grew a pair and left mikey
17. i am thankful that i spent time with big mike
18.i am thankful for the lessons big mike taught me
19. i am thankful that i no longer put myself in big mike situations
20.i am thankful for my family
21.i am very thankful for my sister
22.i am thankful that she is strong
23. i am thankful that she is beautiful
24.i am thankful that she loves my kid
25.i am thankful for my mother
26.i am thankful for all that she has done for me
27. i am thankful for all of the ways she has shown me how NOT to love
28.i am thankful for text messaging
29. i am thankful for warm showers
30. i am thankful for my friends
31. i am thankful that i have brian ziede no matter what
32. i am thankful that when i need a laugh or a conversation about russia i have grant
33.i am thankful for the ridiculosity of our obsession with Winnipeg.
34. i am thankful for the way i am able to be friends to them as well
35. i am thankful i found friends in the mtns
36. i am thankful for bunny
37. i am thankful that i have reliable transportation
38. i am thankful for a change of season
39. i am thankful i have heat
40. i am thankful i can cook
41.i am thankful i can walk
42. i am thankful for josh loper
43. i am thankful for the lessons he taught me
44.i am thankful i dont put myself in josh loper situations anymore
45. i am thankful for my father.
46. i am thankful for the lessons he taught me
47. i am thankful for the lesson i learned most from my father, that there are bad people in the world and i shouldnt trust everyone i meet
48. i am thankful for the art of zen
49. i am thankful for my years as an addict
50. i am thankful for the lessons those years taught me
51. i am thankful for slow kisses
52. i am thankful for fast kisses
53. i am thankful for burritos
54. i am thankful for social distortion
55. i am thankful for the ability to tell my baby goodnight in person every night
56. i am thankful to be able to see her in the mornings
57. i am thankful for her goofiness
58. i am thankful that i am still young enough to enjoy that goofiness
59. i am thankful that i can express my feelings
60. i am thankful that i have feelings
61. i am thankful for rays spirit in my heart
62. i am thankful for coffee
63. i am thankful for the products that semi keep my hair from making me crazy
64. i am thankful for human contact
65. i am thankful for honesty
66. i am thankful for the practice of meditation
67. i am thankful for my ability to be here now.
68. i am soooooo thankful for my ability to BE HERE NOW.
69. i am thankful for the journey i have taken to get here
70. i am thankful for sleep
71. i am thankful for communication
72. i am thankful for respect
73. i am thankful that i know many more adventures are on my horizon
74. i am thankful for this pain in my clavicle
75. i am thankful for nicotine
76. i am thankful for my very driven attitude
77. i am thankful that i am constantly improving that driven attitude
78. i am thankful that i have been able to do what i set out to do
79. i am thankful that i have been able to do what i set out to do not in spite of but because of all of the bullshit ive been through
80. i am thankful for the feeling of pure love
81. i am thankful for my kid's brilliance
82. i am thankful for her brother, Dylan
83. i am thankful for her grandparents ramon and shaun, mike, laura, and terri
84. i am thankful that she rocks half cabs
85.i am thankful for my keep on truckin ability
86. i am thankful for ska music
87. i am thankful for MEN(not boys) who like to dance
88. i am thankful for every opportunity that comes along
89. i am thankful for the prospect of moving to a new state
90. i am thankful for the straight edge movement
91. i am thankful that i am not part of that movement
92. i am thankful for barrack obama
93. i am thankful for little growls
94. i am thankful for a man who wants to hold my hand
95. i am thankful for chapstick
96. i am thankful for fairly reasonable sex
97. i am thankful for common ground
98. i am thankful for maturity
99. i am thankful for butterfly tattoos
100. i am thankful that robert came into my world, and that he let me into his

I’m your worn in leather jacket
I’m the volume in your fucked up teenage band
A Pack of smokes and a six pack
I’m the dreams you had walkin’ down the railroad tracks
You and me

I’m your first taste of romance
I’m your first broken heart on a Saturday night
Guys like us ain’t got no chance
But I’m the thing that keeps you and me alive
But not forever

So take me down the road
Take me to the show
It’s something to believe in
That no one else knows
But don’t take me for granted

I’m the blood on your guitar
I’m that wave you caught back in 1975
I’m as strong as a thousand armies
I’m as soft as a petal on a long stem rose
I am love

So take me down the road
Take me to the show
It’s something to believe in
That no one else knows
But don’t take me for granted
I’m with you when you’re born
You can take me when you die
With all the reasons why
But don’t take me for granted

No one knows
Don’t take me for granted

This is for the misfits, the freaks and the runts

2008-10-09T15:11:00.000-07:00

me ma says when my hair is dark, it makes me look to 'hard' i dont know what that means. i really have nothing to write about today, just trying (futile, FUTILE!!!) to write often........going back to roja hair though, me thinks...i dont know, whatev....the worm is getting a deck for her bday. its all she's asked for, and im soooooooo ok w/ that...well she asked for that and a new pair of half cabs....but thats a given. she gets a new pair every year at this time...costumes are coming along nicely. you know as well as i do that all hallows is better than xmas for me and my kiddo....it is NOT a joke that we have been known to show up at family functions, be it thxgiving, or xmas or easter mass or whatev, in full on zombie regalia.....i have more zombie related makeup than regular makeup in my house and im totally ok with it....songs in my head like crazy today....woke up wanting to listen to op ivy....so i did, which got me back on a rancid kick(NIHILISM!!!) *sidebar: g, do you remember going to rancid w/ me and tucker? i think that was the night i threw up in my shot glass at the rogue..last action..swooooon...opened...top 10 show easy..do you also remember when i couldnt remember my own name standing in the presence that is tim armstrong? or dave navarro? or that wussy mike ness? grrrr* which in turn reminded me that the transplants were f'ing amazing for the short time....oh man i hope travis barker is ok...haha, a d d?? nah..so i dialed up my last.fm profile and clicked on the magic button to cyberspace that connected me directly to 'operation ivy radio; featuring op ivy, rancid, dhc,anti-flag....' um, i was happy....i am happy. ska makes me happy. the clash makes me happiest...these are not new revelations, im just rambling for the sake of rambling....

Nobody move, nobody get hurt, they said
Make one wrong move, man, you wake up dead
I exercise my lyrical stylings
And all the while you're dead and gone and forgotten
I said, oh, are they gonna come back for you?
No, aw, the story's sorry but true
Lord, did you really want them to go?
No, oh you're so goddamn cold

We're gonna make it on our own, we don't need anyone
Lord knows we don't need you

(watch me now)
You got your ear to the street, then this bud's for you
You got my name in your mouth, then this slug's for you
Shotgun, Fast Lane, on the Highway to Hell
Germ sticks, tall cans, and the powder that sells
Just tryin' to have somethin', and you sit back and laugh
I'ma grab something, I'ma gettin' that half
We came too far now, nowhere we can flop
Wanna drop me, gotta kill me, only way I'ma stop

We got 808 subwoofers in the trunk
Around the world with the Rancid Punx
This is for the misfits, the freaks and the runts
Fuck the motherfuckin' back-stabbin' cunts
Ride's gettin' rough, so I know I better buckle
P U N X tattooed on my knuckles
Hey man, you keep the shackles, cause I am free

We're gonna make it on our own, we don't need anyone
Lord knows we don't need you
(watch me now)

We're gonna make it on our own, we don't need anyone
Lord knows we don't need you

I heard you're losing your mind, shit, I been lost mine
But I still stay focused through good and bad times
Compare your worst fuckin' day to my best fuckin' night
I bet my last red cent that you couldn't stand the sight
From loss of loved ones to life of drug funds
They counted me out, from what? I'm not done
Give me a chance to shine and I'ma blind the world
Take a stand and be the voice of those who cannot be heard

We're gonna make it on our own, we don't need anyone
Lord knows we don't need you

That he not busy being born Is busy dying

2008-10-07T12:23:00.000-07:00

heres the thing. i read dharma punx in oooh, lets see, like 02ish? sam cassell gave it to me because she thought i needed it, and she was not wrong. over the years, i have tried to have conversations with ppl about this book and NO ONE has ever heard of it, much less read it....its a memoir of Noah Levine, a so cal punk kid who found himself into drugs, violence blah blah blah...just gutter punk...then he found buddhism and a more positive path.......sound familiar? it should....well for those of you who know anything about me anyway....i still have ragin moments, and i still have those inner punk ethos running through my blood but i have found better ways of dealing with them...recent years and recent events have shown me over and over that i have to look at things in the ram daas way....be here now....so zen, right? like the fact taht all of my friends call me the punkrock hippie....a better way to put it is- im a dharma punk.hahahaha...anyway, im bringing this up again because the other night i ran into a kid who is a dharma punk....we've had some really great conversations and he has made my list of morning thank yous a few times now...not sure where if anywhere its going to go, but its nice to have at the very least a friend on the same path...i dont know if he believed it when i told him of my buddha that looks over my kitchen...next i'll tell him about my collection of bobblehead jesi (thats plural for jesus, right?) anyway, a huge part of the buddha philosophy is things happen for a reason...meaning, i think i was really in need of someone to talk to honestly and openly, and bam! i meet robert...cool dude....not saying i dont have the greatest friends in the world, but its hard to explain to professor joe my thoughts on violence and mosh pits, ziede doesnt even blink when i call him sobbing because i miss ray...he just says 'oh.' the closest person in the world to me, g, gets it---well most of it. but still, its good to have a kindred addict in arms, eh? anyway, do yourself a favor and read DHARMA PUNX. its really good, i promise...though you will finish it wishing mike ness had a stronger handshake........

Darkness at the break of noon
Shadows even the silver spoon
The handmade blade, the child's balloon
Eclipses both the sun and moon
To understand you know too soon
There is no sense in trying.

Pointed threats, they bluff with scorn
Suicide remarks are torn
From the fool's gold mouthpiece
The hollow horn plays wasted words
Proves to warn
That he not busy being born
Is busy dying.

Temptation's page flies out the door
You follow, find yourself at war
Watch waterfalls of pity roar
You feel to moan but unlike before
You discover
That you'd just be
One more person crying.

So don't fear if you hear
A foreign sound to your ear
It's alright, Ma, I'm only sighing.

As some warn victory, some downfall
Private reasons great or small
Can be seen in the eyes of those that call
To make all that should be killed to crawl
While others say don't hate nothing at all
Except hatred.

Disillusioned words like bullets bark
As human gods aim for their mark
Made everything from toy guns that spark
To flesh-colored Christs that glow in the dark
It's easy to see without looking too far
That not much
Is really sacred.

While preachers preach of evil fates
Teachers teach that knowledge waits
Can lead to hundred-dollar plates
Goodness hides behind its gates
But even the president of the United States
Sometimes must have
To stand naked.

An' though the rules of the road have been lodged
It's only people's games that you got to dodge
And it's alright, Ma, I can make it.

Advertising signs that con you
Into thinking you're the one
That can do what's never been done
That can win what's never been won
Meantime life outside goes on
All around you.

You lose yourself, you reappear
You suddenly find you got nothing to fear
Alone you stand with nobody near
When a trembling distant voice, unclear
Startles your sleeping ears to hear
That somebody thinks
They really found you.

A question in your nerves is lit
Yet you know there is no answer fit to satisfy
Insure you not to quit
To keep it in your mind and not fergit
That it is not he or she or them or it
That you belong to.

Although the masters make the rules
For the wise men and the fools
I got nothing, Ma, to live up to.

For them that must obey authority
That they do not respect in any degree
Who despise their jobs, their destinies
Speak jealously of them that are free
Cultivate their flowers to be
Nothing more than something
They invest in.

While some on principles baptized
To strict party platform ties
Social clubs in drag disguise
Outsiders they can freely criticize
Tell nothing except who to idolize
And then say God bless him.

While one who sings with his tongue on fire
Gargles in the rat race choir
Bent out of shape from society's pliers
Cares not to come up any higher
But rather get you down in the hole
That he's in.

But I mean no harm nor put fault
On anyone that lives in a vault
But it's alright, Ma, if I can't please him.

Old lady judges watch people in pairs
Limited in sex, they dare
To push fake morals, insult and stare
While money doesn't talk, it swears
Obscenity, who really cares
Propaganda, all is phony.

While them that defend what they cannot see
With a killer's pride, security
It blows the minds most bitterly
For them that think death's honesty
Won't fall upon them naturally
Life sometimes
Must get lonely.

My eyes collide head-on with stuffed graveyards
False gods, I scuff
At pettiness which plays so rough
Walk upside-down inside handcuffs
Kick my legs to crash it off
Say okay, I have had enough
What else can you show me?

And if my thought-dreams could be seen
They'd probably put my head in a guillotine
But it's alright, Ma, it's life, and life only.

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

2008-10-06T13:08:00.000-07:00

There's no one in town I know

You gave us some place to go.

I never said thank you for that.

I thought I might get one more chance.

What would you think of me now,so lucky, so strong, so proud?

I never said thank you for that,now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.

Hear you me my friends.

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

May angels lead you in.

So what would you think of me now,so lucky, so strong, so proud?

I never said thank you for that,now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in. Hear you me my friends.

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

May angels lead you in.

And if you were with me tonight,I'd sing to you just one more time.

A song for a heart so big,god wouldn't let it live.

May angels lead you in.

Hear you me my friends.

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

May angels lead you in.

Hear you me my friends.

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

May angels lead you in.

And I couldn't awake from the nightmare that sucked me in and pulled me under

2008-10-03T16:19:00.000-07:00

um, if a dude drowns himself in the mighty mississippi river, he deserves a second listen, or 3rd, or bazillionth...........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WolmjxD4hn4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AratTMGrHaQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siNsgbIWhAQ

Love, let me sleep tonight on you couch
And remember the smell of the fabric
Of your simple city dress

Oh... that was so real

We walked around til the moon got full like a plate
The wind blew an invocation and i fell asleep at the gate
And I never stepped on the cracks 'cause i thought i'd hurt my mother
And I couldn't awake from the nightmare that sucked me in and pulled me under
Pulled me under

Oh... that was so real

I love you, but i'm afraid to love you
I love you, but i'm afraid to love you

I will always hold your hand I'll never let you fall

2008-10-01T15:09:00.000-07:00

i miss him EVERYDAY. some days, more than others...today is one of those days....

everytime i look at my daughter, i miss him, everytime i feel the empty pillow next to mine,i miss him. everytime i remember what his kiss felt like, his touch, his smell, those amazing lips, that great smile, his positive outlook-i miss him. halloween season makes me miss him, the thought of moving hundreds of miles away to a new place, a new time, a new everything, i wish he was going with me....i just cant believe he is gone, i STILL cant believe he isnt here for me to call and vent to, he isnt here to reassure me that everything is going to be ok, that i AM worth so much more than i give myself credit for....i miss him so badly. the worm has my face, thats no doubt, but she is HIM. her mannerisms, her big sad eyes, her smile is his in replica, her build, her ability to bounce back from everything and keep on truckin is awe inspiring....there is so much i want to share with him, so many times in a day when i think of a song, or a moment in time, or a feeling, that was him....its hard to hold it together....he was there for me/with me, when bradley died, and NO ONE was with me when it was his turn...besides his family, and to a certain extent the worm, no one loved him like i did NO ONE...there will not be a little ray benefit concert/album/fundraiser for his kids like there was for brad, there will not be a week long memorial camping trip like there was for todd, there will not be an influx of friendship and love amongst our stupid group like there was for chuck, there will not be portraits painted like there was for steph.....its just me, and my thoughts of him and the hole left in my heart, my head, my life, my daughters upbringing, my circle of friends, my hippie crew.....its only been a couple of months, and i know im not 'supposed' to be 'over' this, but it still hurts so badly...i feel such sorrow for dylan who had him for such a short amount of time. at least i had him for most of my life, dylan will never know the man that his father was, he will never know how much he loved that kid....and for the worm, oh my god, she was just learning about him. she didnt even have the joy of having him in her life for more than a year...he was there, on the outskirts, but he was there. he loved her better from his post as 'uncle little ray' than mikey ever tried to fathom in his role as 'dad.' ray wouldve never ever ever left her with his mother/father/sister/aunt/roomate/girlfriend/whatev....just so he could go fuck around on the town...mikey seriously did AGAIN this weekend...all he had to do was spend a day and a half with her and he couldnt do it...he couldnt put his own selfish wants aside for less than 48 hours to spend time with this child....and to think that ray will never even have the opportunity to do that....hurts my heart....he loved his kids BOTH of them, so much so that he really was trying to get help, he really was trying to get himself together so he could watch them grow up....oh my god...i miss him so much. why is it that some days, i think about him and smile and then the very next day, i dont want to get out of bed because i may fall asleep and have a dream where i see his face? hear his voice....feel him next to me??? am i going to get through this? is there ever going to be a point where i can just accept the fact that he wont get to see the baby go to jr high, have a boyfriend, graduate???? fuck, she is going to be such a beautiful woman and he has a lot to do with that.....he is in her without a doubt, but its also because he taught me SO MUCH about how to push through...how to get up and keep going, how to be grateful for the small things in life....and i hope im passing that on to her...fuck knows im trying.....its just so so so hard to not have him...i took it for granted for so many years that he was going to be here, he was going to be with me.... now what? he used to look at me with those piercing green eyes and that crooked smile, those freckles, that warmth and say 'youre my girl......' i wasnt ready for that to go away

I never thought about it before
Just close your eyes and ignore
The dark that troubles you most
Don’t let it be here
And if you see it again
Hold your breathe and pretend
That you’re already dead

You’ll never be alone
I will always hold your hand
I’ll never let you fall
‘Cause nothing
Nothing else matters at all
If you’re scared just think of me
‘Cause you know ill never let you be
Anywhere but with me

Forget the story you heard
Why are you worried about the dirt
I don’t think that you’ll mind
When it’s your time
‘Cause I will be there with you
And well figure out what to do
So that you don’t get bored

You’ll never be alone
I’ll always hold your hand
I’ll never let you fall
‘Cause nothing
Nothing else matters at all
If you’re scared just think of me
‘Cause you know ill never let you be
Anywhere but with me

So try to sleep with a smile
I promise ill wait a while
To make sure that you moved on
You won’t be lost
I will always hold your hand
Ill never let you fall
‘Cause nothing
Nothing else matters at all
If you’re scared just think of me
‘Cause you know ill never let you be
Anywhere but with me

Punk rock girl let's go slamdance

2008-09-25T15:31:00.000-07:00

i am excited about edgefest....like more excited than ive been in a long time. my kid sis is coming with. she's never even been to a CONCERT much less the insanity that usually ensues when 60 some bands and 30k punk rock kids and all of the edge-ites get together. can NOT wait. leaving tomorrow soon as i get off work. been really really really considering slc...to the point where im pretty sure im going to go........and then communications ceased. the pd was supposed to call me yesterday and let me know if my salary requirements could be met... he didnt. still havent heard from him today and im starting to worry. he gave me an enormous number the other day and i was thrilled but low key about it, then he said he couldnt meet that one after all, and asked what i would NEED to get there....i gave him a solid number. a LOW number in the grand scheme of things, and a number based on cost of living, etc.......completely fair. besides, if he cant meet it---he should tell me, not make me sit around and wonder, right? right. my ex husband is a cock sucking piece of scum that i am disgusted i ever let touch me. the worm told him about the potential of a move, and he said 'well if you move out of state, then i finally can too' ok, whatever...no big deal. when i asked him why he had said that, he first called me a liar, saying that i made up the fact that he said that to her. fuck off. then went on to tell me that i look out for no one but myself and do not care how things affect my child. FUCK off. the conversation ended with him calling me a whore and telling me to go fuck myself. hahahah, brilliant. now, if only he'd get out of my life, and quit pretending that he has any rights to my kid, i would be much happier. i cannot believe, actually, that i hate this man so much. i didnt always hate him or want him to die, but things have changed and boy do i now!!! whatever.....so i called josh out on his using me for my connects to things ie, edgefest.....and he denied, of course. i told him that if he came with me, he would go back to ignoring me and banging sarah soon as it was over...he denied. then he said he wasnt coming with me, and that he loves me and wants me in his life as his friend...again....and then he asked me to pick up his 4 year old in the valley and bring her back to him on sunday. i said i would think about it, because something in his voice makes me retarded still and even though my whole being was screaming 'fuck no, you stupid stupid son of a bitch' i told him i would think about it. he said, 'cool, call you later' that was 3 days ago and i havent heard from him. hence the blog about being over it.....i have to be. in super cheesy cliche mode, i think you know if it was meant to be, it will be.....but in super punk rock dont give a fuck mode, i think----i need a real man, cant continue to date boys...ive said it before, but still find myself running after guys younger than me and by FAR less mature than me. emotionally anyway. im sure its because guys that i am attracted to, you know---the still rockin a trucker hat sideways, tattoos,slacker clothes, preferably a skate board but a crusier with ape hangers works too, chucks---i mean, come on...but the guys im attracted to are all under the age of 25....so, should i start a petition to ask boys 28-36 years old to dress that way? or should i bring myself to giving up the hope of a punk rock wedding and start looking at guys in cowboy hats and/ or business suits? is there a happy medium? man----been listening to a lot of joey cape/ tony sly again....lets just say, its either really theraputic or really heartbreaking...either way, its dope. how much longer can i ramble without plugging in song lyrics??? who scheduled bands? i mean, who the FUCK put the kooks and a zip on at the same time? ive seen authority a bazillion times....never seen the kooks...but if you remember my blog from the other day, i really miss them right now. i really really miss them right now. same to be said w/ NOFX. they are on opposite gogol bordello! the choice with most likely be to see fat mike and the kids but shit! i wanna see gogol...they are a grrrrrreat show to see, so so good. perhaps a boy as well aged and super duper awesome like steve 'crooked neck' caballero...you know youre still rocking your half cabs...i know i am...so is the worm...if this guy were taller, id be writing him stalker letters......or maybe a patt duffy? or no, i know!!! MIKE CARROLL yep, mike carroll, he's on the right in the pic above, you know, just so you know.skated for my fave team PLAN B and also was the guy behind GIRL SKATEBOARDS back in the day, which is what i rocked for most of my young life...not cause they were called 'girl' but because the graphics were amazing and if you put big fat pigs on them, they made you happy...( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Carroll ) well, im out, gotta piss and im awaiting a phone call or some sort of communication from slc....and stupid ass grant is supposed to call me back too......cant wait to skate down the hill manana.........

♥

One Saturday I took a walk to Zipperhead

I met a girl there

And she almost knocked me dead

Punk rock girl please look at me

Punk rock girl what do you see?

Let's travel round the world

Just you and me punk rock girl

I tapped her on the shoulder

And said do you have a beau?

She looked at me and smiled

And said she did not know

Punk rock girl give me a chance

Punk rock girl let's go slamdance

We'll dress like Minnie Pearl

Just you and me punk rock girl

We went to the Phillie Pizza Company

And ordered some hot tea

The waitress said "Well no We only have it iced"

So we jumped up on the table

And shouted "anarchy"

And someone played a Beach Boys song

On the jukebox

It was "California Dreamin''

So we started screamin

"On such a winter's day"

She took me to her parents

For a Sunday meal

Her father took one look at me

And he began to squeal

Punk rock girl it makes no sense

Punk rock girl your dad is the Vice President

Rich as the Duke of Earl

Yeah you're for me punk rock girl

We went to a shopping mall

And laughed at all the shoppers

And security guards trailed us

To a record shop

We asked for Mojo Nixon

They said "He don't work here"

We said "If you don't got Mojo Nixon Then your store could use some fixin''

We got into a car

Away we started rollin'

I said "How much you pay for this?"

She said "Nothing man, it's stolen"

Punk rock girl you look so wild

Punk rock girl let's have a child

We'll name her Minnie Pearl

Just you and me

Eating fudge banana swirl

Just you and me

We'll travel round the world

Just you and me

punk rock girl

stupid punk rocker with a bad haircut

2008-09-24T15:27:00.000-07:00

eat a bag of shit
you suck i can't believe the luck you have
its not bestowed upon me
and my pants are falling down
i would have another drink
except it might be poisoned by my mind
and my pants are falling down
i don't know what you've
been drinking but pour another one for me
my pants are falling down
the room is spinning around
my stomach is making funny sounds
i'm falling down
fuck you i hate you is all she said
as she slappedmy face and spit beer on me
and my pant are falling down
she said, you're a no good, ugly,dumb, stupid punk rocker
with a bad haircut
and your pants are falling down
i don't know what you've been smoking
but pack another bowl for me

(diesel boy, i guess its a trend this week...)

um, youre not jesus, youre bob.

whats an emo boy to do with a broken heart and some minor chords?

2008-09-22T13:30:00.000-07:00

done with it. he can eat my shorts............no, really, sooooooo done. the thing is, he just isnt seeing what he's missing and well, fuck him for it. yeah, i told him we could be friends, and yeah i told him i was fine with it, and yeah i told him that it was cool if we talked about things that friends talk about ie; hooking up with sluts etc.........but i lied. i lied hard. i dont want to be friends with him. not because im not mature enough to deal with the fact that he doesnt want to be with me because he is 'afraid' not because i cant handle the fact that he used the word 'girlfriend' with me today referring to good ole sarah with the pretty eyes, not even because he dropped the 'i love you' bomb on me less than a week ago but followed it with days and days of talking about her to me......but because he's a hypocrit, a wanna be player who cant even play.......i was a member of a club a long time ago that seriously INVENTED the game of mind fuck. believe me, i learned from the best. you know, as i write this, i remember another little life lesson that ray taught me before he died. he went into rehab so that i could be number one to him. meaning it was my turn to not compete with drugs, or guitars, or lesbians or whores with pretty eyes and huge boobs, it really was, and he was going to make it happen... im going to hold out now for someone who can do that for me. i think i deserve to be a priority for someone, right? fuck this kid, really.....i can fuck with heads better than most people.....but i choose not to. this cat doesnt even know the rules of the game...he gives me all of this shit about how he 'doesnt want to be attached' and that im the 'most amazing girl he's ever been with' and its all fucking bullshit....he wants to be his best friend jimi....jimi is a man whore, he refers to HIMSELF as a man whore, and he's damn good at it....he's got a different girl on his arm every time i see him...and these chicks are cool with it, they are aware of whats going on....with josh, he broke the number one rule of the game---he fell in love with the girl. now im done with it, ......and then what? he will have racked up another one in the L column for boys who dont get it.

he read every issue of punk planet with a tissue
bad reviews of his favorite band made him cry
and he could hardly believe that jawbreaker signed to dgc
he took it personally that blake had lied when all that he loved was thru
whats an emo boy to do
with a broken heart and some minor chords?
inspiration lame on the floor he was just barely sixteen when he started his fanzine he could lay his broken heart out on the page
and it got real inspiring when people started writing in
he was not alone
he was not alone
when all his work was done he put
on side one
boxcar sang him to sleep
locked away in an emo dream
one foggy night at the bottom of the hill
front and center for jets to brazil
emo boy met emo girl
barrettes in her hair and buddy holly glasses and laminated passes
they left the club and went back to his house and fooled around to the new
record from modest mouse

(diesel boy)

So leave yourself intact

2008-09-17T15:16:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna ride this plane out of your life again
I wish that I could stay, but you argue
More than this I wish, you could've seen my face
In backseats staring out, the window

I'll do anything for you
Kill anyone for you

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I will be coming back
In a phrase to cut these lips
I love you

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up

I've earned through hope and faith
On the curves around your face
That I'm the one you'll hold forever
If morning never comes for either one of us
Then this I pray to you wherever

I'll do anything for you
This story is for you
('Cause I'd do anything you want me to for you)
I'll do anything for you
Kill anyone for you

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I won't be coming back
In a phrase to cut these lips
I loved you

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
'Til you decide to wake up

SO, IVE BEEN THINKING, AND I HAVE AN ANSWER BUT MAY AS WELL POSE IT TO THE MASSES, EH? IS IT POSSIBLE TO HATE SOMEONE AND STILL RESPECT THEM? I SAY YES. IS IT POSSIBLE TO NOT RESPECT SOMEONE AND STILL LIKE THEM? I SAY YES AGAIN.WHAT DO YOU THINK? DOES IT EVEN MAKE SENSE? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT IM SAYING? NEW LOW----------COHEED AND CAMBRIA LYRICS. IVE OFFICIALLY LOST IT.IT WAS BETWEEN THIS ONE AND 'STILL' FROM THE FOO FIGHTERS.....EITHER WAY, HOW ABOUT I LISTEN TO NOTHING BUT SAY ABBA FOR THE NEXT FEW MONTHS UNTIL WASHO COMES HOME????YEAH, WILL THAT WORK??? HE REALLY REALLY TOLD ME THAT ALKALINE TRIO IS NOT AN EMO BAND.....I THINK THEY ARE....AND BOY DO I KNOW EMO BANDS. HAVE YOU READ MY LAST FEW POSTS? WHY IS NO ONE CALLING ME OUT ON THIS SHIT?? I GOTTA GET IT TOGETHER....I FINALLY MISS THE AUTHORITY BOYS...WAS LISTENING TO MY LAST.FM PLAYLIST AND THEY SHOW UP A FEW TIMES, MOSTLY THE LIVE STUFF AND SOME ACOUSTIC.....I THOUGHT I WAS SOOOOOO OVER THEM, BECAUSE, I MEAN, LETS BE REAL---IVE PROBABLY SEEN THEM 650,000 TIMES, RIGHT? CANT WAIT TO SEE EM AGAIN ME THINKS--------SEPT 26. JOSH IS not COMING WITH. AH WELL. I BET HE'S PRETTY BUMMED ABOUT IT, BUT HE'S THE ONE THAT LEFT, NOT ME....I HAVE PRODUCTION TO DO...SEE YA. (PS HOW STONED IS THIS GUY IN THIS PICTURE? 'YOUVE GOT THOSE TIRED EYES, ALL THE TIME'--SAY ANYTHING, AGAIN)

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

I'm approaching with great, great trepidation

2008-09-15T15:08:00.001-07:00

a couple blogs ago, i said things would be better if i knew what he was thinking. boy was i wrong about that. cause he told me last night what he was thinking and son of a bitch if it didnt make it harder and more confusing.........he loves me, he told me that through the tears. and i believe it all hard......BUT i remind him of his ex girlfriend too much....he says not the bad/psycho/possessive/manipulative/spiteful parts of her, the good parts... wait, what? there are good parts of this chick????? everything 'amazing' about me reminds him of her.......sooooooooo confusing, so so so confusing.... he's gone right now, on the adventure of springerville (http://www.springerville.com/) and its probably better like that, because i really believe that he's going to miss me while he's gone, and realize what he's given up because he is "SCARED OF ME" no seriously, he's afraid that he loves me...and its making me fucking insane.....however, initially he was going to be gone for 3 months, till like dec but now he's saying he just wants to be there long enough to get some shit taken care of....meaning he will be back by halloween most likely....happy joy. or not, or something. so after an hour long phone conversation, and him sobbing and apologizing for being so distant and apprehensive about everything he says he loves me....my reaction???? in my head i am screaming 'NO, JOSH, YOU DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT LOVE IS!!!! YOU DONT GET THE FACT THAT MY HEAD IS SWIMMING BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOUR GOOFY DECISIONS AND YOUR CONSTANT NEED TO PUSH ME AWAY!!!! AGAAAAAGAGGHHHAHAHA!!!'(and other such...) but instead, i say to him 'right on, have a good night, talk to you tomorrow.'

No, it's not what we meant to say.
We don’t really love each other.
What happens when the summer’s over?
How long before distance becomes a chore?
I'm approaching with great, great trepidation.
I hope you’ll understand.

Before you speak think about what you're trying to say.
Who else is there to blame for miscommunication?
You're getting caught up in the excitement.
You making promises you can’t keep.
You need to leave all your options open.

Too much momentum.
This room feels like it's going to explode.
Too many angles.
Too many factors to cover.
Waiting for signal.
You're searching for network.
You have to fight to stay in control of the situation.

Anxiety, Anxiety you give me no mercy.
Grind my teeth smooth and flat in my sleep.
We took some pills to calm us down.
Then we needed help to come back up.
Just trying to stay in control of the situation.

Too much momentum.
This room feels like it's going to explode.
Too many angles.
Too many factors to cover.
Waiting for signal.
You're searching for network.
You have to fight to stay in control of the situation.
They fall apart so easily.

Too much momentum.
This room feels like it's going to explode.
Too many angles.
Too many factors to cover.
Waiting for signal.
You're searching for network.
You have to fight to stay in control.
You have to fight to stay in control.
No, you don’t have to fight to stay in control of the situation.

My heart is yours to fill or burst...

2008-09-11T09:08:00.000-07:00

QUESTION OF THE DAY:

WHAT IS THE RATIO OF SKATER/EMO/BREAKDANCING BOYS TO WOMEN IN SLC, UT?

Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth,
as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,
we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.

Living with our heads underground

2008-08-29T13:04:00.000-07:00

Im in the sky tonight
There I can keep by your side
Watching the wide world riot
And hiding out
Ill be coming home next year

Into the sun we climb
Climbing our wings will burn white
Everyone strapped in tight
Well ride it out
Ill be coming home next year

Come on, get on, get on
Take it till life runs out
No-one can find us now
Living with our heads underground

Into the night we shine
Lighting the way we glide by
Catch me if I get too high
When I come down
Ill be coming home next year

Im in the sky tonight
There I can keep by your side
Watching the whole world wind
Around and round
Ill be coming home next year

Come on, get on, get on
Take it till I fall down
No one can find us now
Living with our heads underground

Ill be coming home next year
Ill be coming home next year
Everythings all right up here
When I come down
Ill be coming home next year

Say goodbye
Say goodbye
Say goodbye
Say goodbye

Grow further from me with every fallen tear

2008-08-27T15:43:00.000-07:00

um, this is just hilarious. trying trying trying to write more.ah well, grant and spam are BOTH coming for edgefest, josh is not. i think i would be ok with this whole situation if i just knew what he was thinking....

Yes indeed, I'm alone again.
And here comes emptiness crashing in.
It's either love or hate,
I can't find in between,
'cause I've been with witches and I've been with a queen.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now it's just another lonely day.

Wish there was something now I could say or do.
I can resist anything but the temptation from you.
But I'd rather walk alone than chase you around.
I'd rather fall myself than let you drag me on down.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
And now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now, it's just another lonely day.

Yesterday seems like a life ago,
'cause the one I love today, I hardly know,
You I held so close in my heart, Oh dear,
Grow further from me with every fallen tear.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now it's just another lonely day.
For now it's just another lonely day.
For now it's just another lonely day.

I'm sitting here thinking of you, won't you give a few thoughts to me?

2008-08-19T16:03:00.000-07:00

36 days and g will be in phx.....edgefest stylie!!! rumor is that spam booked his ticket today as well, i see good, ne, great things happening at this fest.........thats it, thats all i got today, im feeling a bit under the weather and the josh thing is making me batty so i got nothin....new rise against is metal as fuck. little ray's sister called me yesterday. havent talked to her since the funeral, ive not talked to her on PURPOSE since the funeral. still dont know what to say to her.......heres the new rise song, not vid, just song

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=rise+against+re+education

my fave song today is graveyard shift, uncle tupelo

Hometown, same town blues
Same old walls closing in
Oh what a life a mess can be
I'm sitting here thinking of you, won't you give
A few thoughts to me

Well, time won't wait, better open the gate
Get up and start what needs to be done
It's winding down, there's much you missed
Working on that graveyard shift

Well, I'm not saying there's nothing wrong as the day comes along
If what I see is true I could learn to believe
Can't look away
The powers that be might take it all away
Together we burn, together we burn away

Some say a land of paradise
Some say a land of pain
Well, which side are you looking from
Some people have it all
Some all to gain

Well a man in a tie gonna break his twenty dollar bill
There's plenty of reasons in this world
To sit around or stand there still

But I'm not saying there's nothing wrong as the day comes along
If what I see is true I could learn to believe
Can't look away
The powers that be might take it all away
Together we burn, together we burn away

There's too much time spent looking for a reason
It's the simple ones that beat the most truth
Oh, what a life a mess can be
I'm sitting here thinking of you, won't you give
A few thoughts to me

Well, time won't wait, better open the gate
Get up and start what needs to be done
It's running down, there's much you missed
Working on that graveyard shift

But I'm not saying there's nothing wrong as the day comes along
If what I see is true I could learn to believe
Can't look away
The powers that be might take it all away
Together we burn, together we burn away

Go analog baby, youre so post-modern

2008-08-14T15:29:00.000-07:00

man, another day in the neighborhood with just about nothing to write about..............the worm started FIFTH grade today!!! oh my god. its crazy......5th grade was like yesterday for me....its when i moved to az for the 2nd time, wouldnt be the last, but whatev..........i met friends of mine that i still have today. sam cassell, ziede, bone daddy (rip), james j, jilly, cam of course, and whoooooooooooo little ray..........man, man, man.......i cant think about my little worm falling in love with the boy that will change her life this year. it happened to me when i was her age, and its still fucking with me today.....mostly because he's dead but also because he is HER daddy!! weird.....more on this subject later,im sure....josh got back from the grand canyon like yesterday and i still havent heard from him...i cant figure out if its a good or bad thing, i miss him so badly already, even though he's not entirely gone yet, but maybe its good to put some distance between us so i dont totally lose it when he DOES leave? maybe? i dont fucking know. im starting to feel like this thing is going to be pushed so far into the 'friend zone' that i'll never get out of it....weird weird feeling......i figured out the other night though that he is the combination of important people in my life which is why im so ga ga for him...he is little ray in his genuineness(a word?) and his honesty, he is grant in that he is respectful and intelligent and fun, he is my friend scooter in his emo-ness(hahahaha) he is the only part of mike lander that i dont hate in his artistic ability, he is cameron in the way he fathers his child, and he is hot like no boy ive ever known........but those big, sad, sad eyes are all his own..grrrr, it pains me to think about him ALLLLLL the time, i want it to go away............and it will, soon, cause he's so leaving.....the strangest thing about this whole situation though, is the fact that i have been drinking MUCH less than normal, mostly because he's a light weight and not the drunk that im used to 'dating?' or hanging out with. which is good, believe me, its good. i dont smoke nearly as much because he HATES it, so i curb it when he's around, that and the worm being around means like a pack a week nowadays,which is also good...., and ive been sleeping. like a normal, everyday sleep pattern that i was convinced only happened on sitcoms or in books......when i get to sleep(which has been every night lately) i stay asleep....like all night.....whether he's around or not.....im thinking it has something to do with him though, cause i sleep much better w/ him next to me, but i sleep either way....its an odd odd thing for me, ive been an insomniac my entire life....comes from a lot of things---when i was a kid, i was afraid to go to sleep cause the boogy man would get me ( my dad, actually) when i was an older kid, i was doing too many drugs to LET myself sleep, then i had a baby and that screws w/ your sleeping no matter who you are, then i was married to mikey who was NEVER home at night, so i was up worrying and getting myself worked up over his not being there, then i moved to a strange place and have been stressing on everything, then ray was around and his nigh terrors were enough to keep ppl in china awake if they were aware of them(it was scary, saw him jump out of a 3rd story window, saw him freak out so bad he thought ppl were after him so he got his son out of bed and ran down the street in his drawers, seen him yell and scream and just about lose his mind....)then ray died and that kept me up for months, then suddenly, i can sleep.....ive slept a total of about 10 hours in my lifetime, 6 of which have come in the month or so that ive known josh.....explain that one....a couple of blogs ago though, i talked about how bad it was going to be when he went back to his ex or stopped calling me....well he's not going back to his ex, but he's not calling either....so maybe this whole sleep thing was just a tease....did you watch the say anything vid yesterday? i love that little jew bastard max bemis.....on the 'new' record there is even a song called 'died a jew' its about jesus....and racism, and ham and milk, and jesus.....max is really like,what, 4.5feet tall? but genius....just plain genius...here's my SAY ANYTHING song of the day...its called 'admit it' and its super dope.......

Admit it!
Despite your pseudo-bohemian appearance
And vaguely leftist doctrine of beliefs
You know nothing about art or sex
That you couldnt read in any trendy New York underground fashion magazine
Prototypical non-conformist
You are a vacuous soldier of the thrift store Gestapo
You adhere to a set of standards and tastes
That appear to be determined by an unseen panel of hipster judges (bullshit)
Giving a thumbs up or thumbs down to incoming and outgoing trends and styles of music and art
Go analog baby, youre so post-modern
youre diving face forward into a antiquated path
its disgusting, its offensive, dont stick your nose up at me

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah

You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends
Pontificating to each other
Forever competing for that one moment of self-aggrandizing glory
In which you hog the intellectual spotlight
Holding dominion over the entire shallow pointless conversation
Oh, we're not worthy
When you walk by a group of quote-unquote normal people
You chuckle to yourself patting yourself on the back as you scoff
It's the same superiority complex
Shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell
And makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma
You spend every moment of your waking life bitching about

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
And I say yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah

Cause I'm proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I've become
Youre free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my guitar

Well let me tell you this, I am shamelessly self-involved
I spend hours in front of the mirror, making my hair elegantly disheveled
I worry about how this album will sell
Because I believe it will determine the amount of sex I will have in the future
I self medicate with drugs and alcohol to treat my extreme social anxiety

You are a faker (admit it)
You are a fraud (admit it)
Yeah, youre living a lie
(hey)
living a lie
(hey)
your life is living a lie
You dont impress me (admit it)
Why dont you bow down, get on the ground, walk this fucking plank (yeah!)

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
And I say yeah (what do you..)

And I am done with this
I wanna taste the breeze of every great city
My car and my guitar
My car and my guitar
So you'll come to be, made of these, urgent unfulfilled
Oh no no no no no
When I'm dead I'll rest
When I'm dead I'll rest way still
When I'm dead I'll rest, I'll rest

he lives with WOE

2008-08-13T16:46:00.000-07:00

i got nothin today, to be perfectly honest. im tired of being the number one rated jock in my market and not having any money, thats for sure.......but such is life in my line of work, i suppose.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQClGsN68Zk

watch this video, k?

♥

I'm born to lose and destined to fail

2008-08-11T15:04:00.000-07:00

still trying to keep writing everyday.....and failing, surprise surprise.....i have been writing to josh lately though, knowing full well that i will never actually hand him any of these thoughts...he's gone until tuesday night, he's exploring the north rim of the grand canyon one last time before he leaves for 3 months..........dyed my hair blue...its super duper rock and roll...i guess. been drawing a lot which is good, i go in spurts for sure, and lately been doing a pretty good job....super happy the worm is home, i missed her sooooo bad.....mikey meanwhile says he cant afford to help me with school clothes etc because he's broke, but ran to be w/ the lesbian 3 seconds after i picked up the baby....ran to nebraska....that means a flight, and other expenses....now they are 'on tour' in the midwest....hahaha, i hope they die. interesting though how his priorities play out....wait, no its not, its typical mike lander.....its exactly why we are not together, well that and the fact that i hate him....oh man...gross....i really really really really need to get more iron....not new info, ive known it forever...you may remember when the shamrock on my arm turned black along with the rest of the appendage, bryan sandell told me that night, 'oh my god, eat meat' hahaha....ive always been super duper anemic, when i go to donate blood, they pretty much laugh at me.....anyway i was SWINGING with the worm and the josh and his baby.....and now my entire left bicep is a nice greenish purple colour....i wish i could make up a better story, like i was fighting, or having crazy sex with a crazy hot emo boy, but alas....swinging, like a normal eight year old....pat and bunny's wedding was this weekend...it rained so hard the creek we were next to threatened to flood the whole place!! but the wedding itself went of without any major issues and now they are all sorts of married...its great, they are great ppl and belong together more than any couple ive ever seen...its kinda gross actually......ziede went w/ me as my date, it was fun, the place was absolutely gorgeous, one of those places on the planet that inspires.....gross. not too much else is new, i think sam casell is coming to visit next weekend, that will be awesome, we always have entirely too much fun....and she admitted the other night that she does not, in fact, hate grant...that its more of a love/hate thing....unfortunately, i think he REALLY does hate her.....she brought her new boyfriend around while i was in phx a week or so ago...he's pretty cool, g would even like him...he's a big irish kid named pat that forced me to drink ONE TOO MANY car bombs and puke on my shoes....but apparently i called her sam casell while he was standing right there and he laughed his ass off....she didnt think it was funny for more than one reason...mostly because he was laughing so hard, but also because she has absolutely no idea why i called her that...none. not even a clue.....jill had her baby, a little girl....cute, but gross. all babies look like chimps when they are born, and well im disgusted by the fact that she and tom are sooooo happy.... their family is so cute and close and well, gross....i got a new bed like 6 months ago, and i finally put it together this weekend...hahahaha, its just been on the floor for this whole time, super ghetto but whatev...and actually i didnt put it together at all, ziede did....my sister and i tried and cody and i tried and stephen and i tried before i quit talking to him(goodbye forever) and josh and i TALKED about trying, but it never happened, we couldnt figure it out....ziede took like 5 minutes and did it himself. hahahahah.......rachel is knocked up......hmmmm, im happy for her, because she is happy. she's been trying to have a baby for a while now so she was ready....im worried about her relationship w/ ziede though. he just quit talking to her all together....he says its because he doesnt want to be blamed when she and bill break up or whatev...i think its because he's sad that its not his baby....she's stoked though and even got a promotion at work which is going to mean way less physical labor for her, good cause she's knocked up....i get to be an auntie!! i cant wait to tell you the truth...as daddy says, 'yeah, another little white baby' hahahahaha.....wow, i really had absolutely nothing to write about today but i rambled long enough to be satisfied. check out my hair, yo.....pay no attention to the fact that my camera on my phone sucks ass...perhaps its from being thrown so many times, or maybe because its a ghetto ass LG that became obsolete in like 1997? whatev.........new fave song is 'walk through hell' by say anything...ive listened to it about 600 times in the last 3 days, driving everyone around me bonkers...but fuck them.ha.....but for this blog, going with an old stand by...........a favorite for sure........

♥

Well it's been ten years and a thousand tears
And look at the mess I'm in-
A broken nose and a broken heart,
An empty bottle of gin
Well I sit and I pray
In my broken down Chevrolet-
While I'm singin' to myself
There's got to be another way

Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain
I'm lonely and I'm tired
And I can't take any more pain
Take away, take away
Never to return again
Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain

Well I've searched and I've searched
To find the perfect life-
A brand new car and a brand new suit
I even got me a little wife-
But wherever I have gone
I was sure to find myself there-
You can run all your life
But not go anywhere

Well I'll pass the bar on the way
To my dingy hotel room-
I spent all my money
Been drinkin' since half past noon-
I'll wake there in the mornin'
Or maybe in the county jail-
Times are hard getting harder
I'm born to lose and destined to fail-

And if I could swim, I'd swim out to you in the ocean,

2008-08-07T16:08:00.000-07:00

hey,

just wanted to write to let you know how amazing you are. i am thankful in so many ways that you came into my life, especially now. the first night i met you, i knew you were something special...thats why i asked if that girl was your girlfriend, remember? im pretty sure i fell for you the second you started breakdancing at ladies 80s! hahaha, then, when you reached down to pin roll your jeans to fit the part, i fell harder.....when we danced our asses off at the dub show at the v and you reached back and took my hand subconsciously, i felt electricity race through me like ive never felt before....especially because i didnt even know your name. when you called my job and gave me your number, my heart jumped into my throat....that night when we hung out and burned those first records, you found your way into my soul. and that first kiss was fucking amazing.....The little things you do show me that you are a real, caring, wonderful person who doesnt want to get hurt either...and i respect that. When you handed me all of those pins, i wanted to hold onto you forever....it was nothing, but it was something. I almost cried when you handed me that flower and then pinned it into my hair. When you whisper my name or ask if im going to stay the night with you in the sweetest, most innocent, non pressuring sort of way, i just want to fall into your arms and stay there. Im a mess when im around you, im all girly and goofy and thats hard to make me do. i have such strong walls built up around me that it took the man i married 7 years to realize he couldnt break them down. You make me want to take them down myself. Your big sad eyes pull me in so far that i just want to put my hands in your hair and tell you that everything is going to be alright. that you are going to make it through this phase, that you are going to get your life back to being YOUR life, that you will find love again and go for it,that your daughter is going to grow up to be a strong confidant, beautiful woman and youre going to be the reason....but i dont have magic powers, (or a utility belt for that matter) and i cant convince you. I know you feel the same way about me, and thats what is killing me. you want to know the future so that you dont fall for me and then it ends in tragedy like the last one did. and honestly, i cant tell you that it wont. all i can tell you is that i want to try.....i want to love you, josh. . if i just knew what your plan was for coming back, or not coming back, or whatever, i would know what im going to do from here. all of me wants to take care of you, and that is gross in my world, just so you know---its odd that i even want to be around someone, much less invest anything in them-----all of me wants to show you what the world can be like if you just let yourself fall. i have creds in this area, believe me. i have been kicked around and jaded and hurt so badly that it shouldve taken me out.....but it didnt. and a year ago, i let it all go.....of course it took a very very very long time to get there, and i understand thats where you are now.....but it feels really great to look in your eyes and watch you smile with your cartoon eyebrows and the honesty and innocence of the most emo of boys.....and let myself feel. i realize everyday that im probably scaring you away, by telling you how i feel about things, but then i figure out that if im going to really live MY life, and if im really going to look out for myself(the way youre trying to do now) and if im really going to LET myself feel real things....all things, not just sparks, not just desire, not just compassion, but ALL things, then i have to let you know...i cant watch you walk away without you knowing....i wont wonder 'what if' for the rest of my life.......so there it is. its up to you to decide where we go from here.......

And if I could swim, I'd swim out to you in the ocean,
Swim out to where you were floating in the dark.
And if I was blessed, I'd walk on the water you're breathing,
To lend you some air for that heaving sunken chest.

'Cause they chose you as the model for their empty little dreams,
With your new head and your legs spread like a filthy magazine.
And they hunt you, and they gut you, and you give in..

And if I was brave, I'd climb up to you on the mountain,
They led you to drink from their fountain, spouting lies.
And I'd slay the horrible beast they commissioned
To steer me away from my mission to your eyes.
And I'd stand there, like a soldier, with my foot upon his chest,
With my grin spread, and my arms out, in my bloodstained Sunday's best,
And you'd hold me, and remind you who you are.. under their shell...

I'd walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes
These soles are useless without you
Through hell for you, let the torturing ensue;
My soul is useless without you...

And if they send a whirlwind, I'd hug it like a harmless little tree
Or an earthquake, I'd calm it, and I'd bring you back to me,
And I'd hold you in my weak arms like a first born

I'd walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes,
these soles are useless without you
Through hell for you, let the torturing ensue
My soul is usless without you..

its something.........

2008-08-07T15:09:00.000-07:00

how i wish you could see the potential...........

2008-08-06T15:11:00.000-07:00

if i force myself to write something everyday, i'll get into the habit, and it will just be something i do, subconsciously.....like smoking! hahaahaha, gross.....

this boy is still amazing, i still want him. the bad part of that though is that he wants me too....i know i know it doesnt make any sense at all, but whatev. heres the deal, he's leaving sooner than later and he's been on a mission lately to push me away as far as possible.....or so he says....he says he doesnt want to be 'attached' to anyone when he leaves because it will make it that much harder. he says he likes me a lot and that i am "fucking amazing" but then still tries sooo hard to give up on it.....and then comes to see me. confusion confusion......but i still understand it. he's right, this is going to be a tough adventure for him...being away from his daughter, being away from his friends and his passion for cooking........being away from me. he told me the other day that he doesnt want to be responsible for my hurting when he leaves....he doesnt get it that its hurting me more to know that we are on the verge of something amazing and he's not going to dive into it....he leaned in for a hug the other night and i just shrugged my shoulders....if he would just give into this, if he would just let himself feel and not worry about 'hurting' me, if he would just stop being so afraid of life, i could let him leave....i could just watch him walk away for the next few months and be totally ok with it....of course id miss him. fuck i already do and he's not even gone, but i would know that he was coming back and that he'd be willing to try. genie told me the other day that i cant miss him because he's not dead....in so many ways, she's right. ray isnt coming back.........probably why i think that if i somehow knew that while he was gone, his heart would be in the right place, that he had intentions of returning and giving it a real shot, i would be ok.....im going to be ok either way, i always am, but it hurts so much more to think about having this right in the palm of my hand and then letting it go........again....when i was 17 and got knocked up, ray was the first person i told...he was in such a bad place that he ran away, not wanting to be a part of his kids life.....and i understood it. i met mikey and things happened the way they happened....for my entire marriage, i wondered what things wouldve been like if i hadnt let ray run away.....if my life, our lives, would be different.......if i wouldve felt actual love......when mikey and i split, the first thing i did was run right to ray....and give it a shot.....and it WAS everything it was supposed to be....then he died. i cant go through that again....not that i think josh is going to die, jesus, even im not that morbid....but i dont want to move forward and go about things, and date and have a good time, and wonder.......its the hardest thing in the world to deal with. the 'what ifs.' harder than a cut and dry end, like death....harder than a cut and dry beginning with the potential for absolute failure....because at least if it fails, we tried. nothing ventured, nothing gained....right? everything in me wants him to stay, and to do this the right way........but i have resolved myself to his leaving......im just not ready to say goodbye.

How I wish you could see the potential,
the potential of you and me
It's like a book elegantly bound,
but in a language that you can't read just yet
You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart
You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

There are days when outside your window,
I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective,
when we'll be lovers, lovers at last
You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart
You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart

You reject my advances and desperate pleas
I won't let you, let me down so easily, so easily

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

2008-08-05T15:36:00.000-07:00

your heart is an empty room

2008-08-05T12:36:00.000-07:00

dear lauralee,

please stop listening to death cab. its not helping. that is all.

sincerely,

lauralee

Burn it down till the embers smoke on the ground
And start new when your heart is an empty room
With walls of the deepest blue

Home's face: how it ages when you're away
Spring blooms and you find the love that's true
But you don't know what now to do
Cause the chase is all you know
And she stopped running months ago

And all you see is where else you could be When you're at home
And out on the street Are so many possibilities to not be alone

The flames and smoke climbed out of every window
And disappeared with everything that you held dear
But you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need
Cause you knew you were finally free

Lord knows Ive paid some dues gettin through

2008-07-31T14:44:00.000-07:00

i dont understand anything anymore. just when i get a grip on things, and start figuring out that maybe i do in fact need someone in my life, or at the very least would LIKE someone in my life, something goes terribly wrong...he tried to push me away by being a total jerk the other night, and i just let him....it didnt push me away because i understand where his head is, he just needs to understand it too. then he breaks the news to me last night that he's leaving, and thats WHY he tried to make me not like him, or whatever the fuck he was trying to do......leaving, gone. outta here.....his reasoning is legit. he's going to work to make/save some money....i get that. doesnt make it easier....he'll be gone by the end of the month. more than that, his crazy ex girlfriend is 'checking up' on me. apparently she called saddy and asked him if he knew me, etc....why the fuck would this girl need to know anything about me? of course saddy said yes but that is beside the point, she has gotten into his head making him think he cant trust me, or whatever the fuck. i dont want him to leave.

Early one mornin the sun was shinin,
I was layin in bed
Wondrin if shed changed at all
If her hair was still red.
Her folks they said our lives together
Sure was gonna be rough
They never did like mamas homemade dress
Papas bankbook wasnt big enough.
And I was standin on the side of the road
Rain fallin on my shoes
Heading out for the east coast
Lord knows Ive paid some dues gettin through,
Tangled up in blue.

She was married when we first met
Soon to be divorced
I helped her out of a jam, I guess,
But I used a little too much force.
We drove that car as far as we could
Abandoned it out west
Split up on a dark sad night
Both agreeing it was best.
She turned around to look at me
As I was walkin away
I heard her say over my shoulder,
Well meet again someday on the avenue,
Tangled up in blue.

I had a job in the great north woods
Working as a cook for a spell
But I never did like it all that much
And one day the ax just fell.
So I drifted down to new orleans
Where I happened to be employed
Workin for a while on a fishin boat
Right outside of delacroix.
But all the while I was alone
The past was close behind,
I seen a lot of women
But she never escaped my mind, and I just grew
Tangled up in blue.

She was workin in a topless place
And I stopped in for a beer,
I just kept lookin at the side of her face
In the spotlight so clear.
And later on as the crowd thinned out
Is just about to do the same,
She was standing there in back of my chair
Said to me, dont I know your name?
I muttered somethin underneath my breath,
She studied the lines on my face.
I must admit I felt a little uneasy
When she bent down to tie the laces of my shoe,
Tangled up in blue.

She lit a burner on the stove and offered me a pipe
I thought youd never say hello, she said
You look like the silent type.
Then she opened up a book of poems
And handed it to me
Written by an italian poet
From the thirteenth century.
And every one of them words rang true
And glowed like burnin coal
Pourin off of every page
Like it was written in my soul from me to you,
Tangled up in blue.

I lived with them on montague street
In a basement down the stairs,
There was music in the cafes at night
And revolution in the air.
Then he started into dealing with slaves
And something inside of him died.
She had to sell everything she owned
And froze up inside.
And when finally the bottom fell out
I became withdrawn,
The only thing I knew how to do
Was to keep on keepin on like a bird that flew,
Tangled up in blue.

So now Im goin back again,
I got to get to her somehow.
All the people we used to know
Theyre an illusion to me now.
Some are mathematicians
Some are carpenters wives.
Dont know how it all got started,
I dont know what theyre doin with their lives.
But me, Im still on the road
Headin for another joint
We always did feel the same,
We just saw it from a different point of view,
Tangled up in blue.

I'm a void with empty promises that backs out late

2008-07-28T16:09:00.000-07:00

my heart beats too fast, i lose my breath,i get shaky and dizzy ......i dont know if this is the way things go when you find someone who isnt after only one thing....and i dont know if this is the way it feels when you want to be next to someone so badly that your whole body goes quivery at the mention, or thought of his name, or voice, or eyes, or smell. i most certainly dont know if this is the normal way to feel when your phone rings and you wish with everything in you that its him, and when it is, you go numb and forget how to speak and even debate answering for fear that you will say something wrong, or you will be so giddy that you sound over eager, or desperate....i dont know if this is how it goes when he calls you in the middle of the night because he misses your face and you just curl up next to him and sleep better than you have in years, is this the way it is when he leaves and you search for any scent or remider of him because you miss him as soon as he's left the pillow next to you. i just dont understand it. therefore, im afraid of it. scared to death. i have not felt anything this overwhelmingly strong and pure since i fell in love with little ray when i was 14 years old. even with mikey, it was always kind of understood that we were together because of the baby....not that i didnt love him, but i was never overtaken by it, i never got sick to my stomach with nerves when he called, or touched my hair, or looked at me with big sad eyes. but i also know how dangerous it is to rush into anything, ESPECIALLY in a situation like this. i feel like im setting myself up for not only failure but a heartache im not sure i can handle again. not that i think im going to sabotage it, not that i think he will, but he is so amazing and beautiful that his ex is going to fight nail and tooth to get him back....he's worth it. they have a gorgeous child together, and well, that counts for something.....he loves her, or at the least HAS love for her....and i respect that, i almost wish mikey and i could get to a place like that, but it will never happen because he broke my heart into so many pieces that its been so so hard trying to glue them back together enough to be able to feel anything again....i think its the same with josh and his ex....she calls 300 times a day, and, because he's a nice guy, and because he loves his daughter, he answers, and she always trys to drag him into a long conversation about how they should be together and how sorry she is, etc....ive BEEN there, i know exactly what she's going through, and i feel for her....badly.....she fucked things up with a man who is probably her best shot at love for the rest of her life and she has finally realized it and wants him to come home. and im scared to death she's going to succeed.....dont get me wrong, i trust him. and he's told me how done with her he is, so have all of his friends etc....and he's made it clear in his actions by showing everyone in his life that he and i are...well, whatever he and i are....its not a secret that he likes me. they have all of the same friends and if he were trying to keep it from her, he would do things differently....its just that i went through this situation not more than one year ago.....here i was trying with everything in me(like his ex is) to do what i was supposed to do to get my family back together, to fix myself so that i could love him the right way.......and he was off fucking my friends and falling in love with lesbians, all the while telling me that he wanted things to be better between us........so i will give josh credit in that he does not pretend that things will get better for the two of them....but i do soooooo understand her plight....slight difference here is that mikey is a horrible person who has no one but himself in mind and i was fortunate and excited to learn this before i got back together with him...he is NOT worth it. if i had lost someone like josh....who is caring and gentle and respectful and ambitious and hot and brilliant and talented and literate.....i would be pulling my hair out trying to figure out how to make it work....id do anything in my power....and well, you know, baby mama always has some pull over daddy.....if she is as manipulative and spiteful as she seems, she will soon start to use his baby as leverage in the 'please come home campaign' and it will hurt him so badly that he will have to give in...his daughter is his life. why does all of this bother me so much? because im falling so hard for this man that i am already imagining the horrible breakup or whatever it will be called then, when he calls and says he has to go back to her, or worse, when he just quits calling at all....i cant do it again, my heart cant take it.

Unlucky seventeen, already handed plans for the future

Glamour obsessed, shown how to dress, and told how to think

And I don't have a job, but I can show you how to be a slob

So many days, wasted and glazed

Sometimes I laugh aloud as I think about,You asking me "Please can you help?"

Can't help my self

I'm not your savior, I'm not who you want me to be

A cowardly mistake I've made so many times before, refusing to break

Cut my losses ties them with you, like a good boy I'll pretend

And promise not to do it again

Do you remember when, life was so simple and permanent?

Everyone's changed, "Everyone's cool", Everyone sucks

But I can't seem to complain, Exciting and new is just not there

You're getting scared

I'm not your savior, never thought I was anyway

I'm a void with empty promises that backs out late

Never said I'd change, taking back the words that we spoke

Like a fuel tank running dry, you'll believe it when I choke

You do something to me that I can't explain.

2008-07-24T10:07:00.000-07:00

is this possible? is it something that i am going all 'lu' on and overthinking? am i reading into it more than i should? is this actually what its supposed to feel like? the answer to all of these questions is of course...yes. new tat yesterday, then the dark knight...it was, fucking amazing....i went into it wanting to hate it because of all of the hype but man, it was great.then the boy and i went home, smoked a bowl and passed out. and it was great. no expectations, no inhibitions, no nothing, just two damaged ppl being....

To see you when I wake up

Is a gift I didn't think could be real.

To know that you feel the same as I do

Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

I ain’t afraid to let it out I’m unafraid to take that fall

2008-07-23T12:21:00.000-07:00

i want to go back to sleep next to the boy and wear his batman shirt............

In my fantasy

I’m a pantomime

I’ll just move my hands and everyone sees what I mean

Words are too messy

And it’s way past time

To hand in my mouth

Paint my face white and try to

Reinvent the sea

One wave at a time

Speak without my voice and see the world by candlelight

I ain’t afraid to let it out I’m unafraid to take that fall

But I have found beyond all doubt

We say more by saying nothing at all

In my fantasy no such thing as time

Minutes bleed into days

Avant garde art

Show me your heresy

And I’ll show you mine

We only speak in pantomimes on this carpet ride

I ain’t afraid to let it out I’m unafraid to take that fall

But I have found beyond all doubt

We say more by saying nothing at all

In my fantasy you look good entwined

In my hair and skin and spit and sweat and spilled red wine

You’re my deep secret

I’m your pantomime

I’ll just move my hands

I promise you’ll see what I mean

that is all.

Making sure to laugh; while we experience anti-gravity

2008-07-21T07:58:00.000-07:00

its been a minute since i blogged. dont really know why, just have had other things on my mind i suppose. man, working at 5am is for the fucking birds, literally. a couple of weeks ago, i went out w/ some friends to what is called 'ladies 80s.' its exactly what it sounds like, chicks in side pony tails. day glo stretch pants and plastic jewelry, and the douche bag boys that go along w/ this retardation. you know the ones, they just stand around afraid to dance, and watch the girls dance like they are molly ringwold in the breakfast club, or better yet, pretty in pink...they just stand there until one of the girls (or more, whatev) get hammered on $.25 well vodka or fruity rum drinks and are dumb enough to stumble back to the dorms with them.......by now you can tell why i was there, and why my stupid friends were there as well-----the dumb girls, wait, no, the 25cent drinks.....as im standing at the bar for my bazillionth time waiting for the well whiskey and flat soda, i see a boy.....he's wicked cute so i ask a friend of mine if he knows him....he does....he introduces us....i PROMPTLY forget his name before he's even done saying it....we go out onto the dance floor to stand around and watch the girls dance like aly sheedy and co and suddenly he breaks into dance.....literally, he was breakin like it was his job to run dmc(its 80s night, remember?) it was fucking great... i mean, heres a guy who looks like a total dweeb for doing this and it matters none to him, he's out to have a good time......didnt last too long, we all got too warm in the douche bag packed place and went outside for smokes.....at this point cute boy who's name i dont remember says 'lets go across the street, get out of this weird place' or some shit like that...im in. he's cute and i hate side pony tails...not to mention he and i are like the only ones not dressed like its 1985 (sidenote, an 80s night and not ONE cure song, or even tears for fears, man, this is shittastic) in fact, he and i are dressed nearly identically, baggy shorts, vans, black tshirt, wide rimmed black specs and a whiskey buzz.....so we bail, go across the street and lo and behold there is a band playing, a GOOD band, they are playing a sublime song, the bar is not too packed but not at all uncomfortably empty....the rest of the crew follows in a bit, but for a while its just me and the boy who's name i cant remember......we get closer to the stage and realize that it is not just a band it is the long beach dub allstars...featuring the bass player (cue ball) from sublime, and just playing sublime allllll night long....boy whos name escapes me and myself are dancing our fool heads off and drinking tall pbrs....he reaches back and grabs my hand out of no where, i dont protest, i may not remember his name but he is cute in a very NON tragic way.......smoke break time, i go out on my own, he doesnt smoke, which is good.....and wouldnt you know, big mike is standing outside, fucking wasted...i dont mean he had a buzz on and was slurring, i mean, wasted like his eyes were closed and if he didnt lay down soon he was going to fall...he came over and put his arm around me 'whats up girl?' he smelled bad, he looked worse, he was a mess...'whos that dude you been dancing with all night?' i just looked at him, and got over him right then and there, i mean over over....he's a drunk and a complete joke, what did i see in him at all? gross.as im staring at him thinking this, boy whos name is lost in my head comes outside and introduces himself to big mike...i hear 'hey man, im jaosdighoodhgo' seriously, my brain just will not allow me to commit this kids name to memory.....this gives mike some sort of reason to get pissy and walk away...good riddance. i go back inside w/ skater boy....suddenly a girl appears from no where and runs up to him....she is beautiful and seems to be very sweet and down to earth....sara is her name....i tell her she has beautiful eyes and walk away.....boy stays with her. no big deal, i mean i dont even know his name.....ten minutes later, he's gone and the prof and i walk to mias.......a week or so later, i go to see billy bob thorton at the orpheum w/ some friends, we get hammered.....they want to go back to someones place to drink more etc....but im over it, i just want to go home....so i drop off cody and bail.....driving home, i start thinking, you know what, maybe i'll stop in at mias for some whiskey before i hit the sack.....and i do. i drink my drink on the patio by myself cause there is NO ONE at the bar that night, its kinda nice cause its a bit rainy and cool, perfect end to a weird night......i go inside to cash out my tab and who should be standing there but boy who's name doesnt exist......looking super cute in his redfield tshirt, yeah you heard right, his REDFIELD tshirt....if you dont know the significance of that, well then never you mind.... he calls me over, says hi and reintroduces me to sara...the girl w/ the pretty eyeballs....i say hi and tell him that i was just leaving and he offers to buy me a drink because its our mutual friend jimmy's bday and well, he wanted to talk about authority zero w/ me...um, ok. so i hang out, he pays almost no attention to sara...talking to me the whole time, when its time to leave, she walks off w/ jimmy and he asks if id like to go hang out w/ him at the 'after party' i say no, cause its tuesday night and go home.......the next day i answer my request line '939 the mountain' voice on the other end says'lauralee i have a bone to pick with you....it seems that you dont remember my name' im like huh? cause i deal w/ whackos all day on this station so i have NO clue who it would be....i tell him this....he says 'its josh, we hung out last night at mias...etc...' my heart does a flip....he asks me to dinner, but i have to work, then he gives me his number and says to call him if i change my mind...he doesnt ask for mine, ball is in my court so to speak.....i go to bunny's for a beer and dinner that evening and dont call him.....i ask everyone i know if i should call him, and its mixed...some say that i HAVE to, some say no....i wait, he calls me. how did he get my number????!? he called about 10 ppl to track it down....that is persistant. he says 'lets go see guttermouth' um, ok......he calls back in 10 minutes, saying he was at the venue and there were only about 10 14yr olds there, and it wasnt worth the 20bucks to see guttermouth in a shit venue so why dont we meet at mias instead? i say no, bunny yells at me, i call back with an ok....im nervous like a 12 year old when i walk in there, its chilly but im sweating, i spot him on the patio....he looks just as nervous...we sit in one spot all night talking and hardly drinking at all, beers are getting warm because we wont shut up and drink....i see that he has amazing eyeballs, we talk about our kids, our jobs, music, movies....i tell him that my asshole sister is getting ready to go to the midnight opening of dark knight, he almost cries....opening his hoodie i see that he is wearing a brinniwear tshirt...again, if you dont understand this, dont worry...it means more to me than to you.....he notices the rise against lyrics written on my shoes.......he almost cries......we leave the bar, i give him a hug and he says 'why dont you come by my house?' i give in.....its somewhat early and ive had a really good time w/him so far....its close, why not? we get to his amazing house and i am pissy because he has 6 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms an amazing kitchen(which is key, he's a chef) and a huge backyard...the front yard consists of nothing but wildflowers in every color and shape....he pays 300 dollars a month. i hate him for this and i tell him so.....i rifle through his record collection----actual vinyl, im falling in love....bowie, zep, RANCID, op ivy, misfits, beastie boys....wait what the fuck? limp bizkit????? im leaving. he says its one of those things he just acquired, i understand, i have things like ann murray on vinyl...he is forgiven when he says 'want to light them on fire?' thats it, its official, he's amazing....we go out into his yard, throw some zippo fluid all over fred durst's masterpiece and whooooooosh!blue flames, lets play frisbee w/ this....this guy is awesome.....we sit on a batman blanket and look at the stars and talk some more, its now a million oclock...he asks if he can kiss me....i dont say no.......i get dizzy when this happens so i tell him its time for me to leave.....not dizzy cause i dont feel well, but dizzy cause i am so engrossed in this kiss that i forget to breathe.....i leave.....im home in 2 seconds and my phone is ringing, 'you should come back and watch the goonies w/ me' i say ok.....i put my pjs on and go back....we watch the goonies and fall asleep......a couple of days later, he has his daughter....its the weekend and i admire the fact that he gives a shit about his little girl, he LOVES this kid, and it shows, that is endearing.... so he cant attend the day drinking mission that cody and i are on....oh well, hes ditching me for a legit reason, and he called me to tell me this, and he's texting me all day, im ok w/ not seeing him....but i text him and tell him that the selfish part of me wishes he would sneak out while his ma has his baby so i can see him...not expecting such....im standing at the bar ordering a pitcher when he walks in......i blush badly.......he has a beer then goes back to being daddy...this makes me like him more....day drinking continues into the evening....i see some ppl from phx that i hadnt in a while, chill w/ gabe and cody, life is good.......decide to go back to mias cause the patio is awesome and its raining, i love rain....and the pogues....but mostly the rain.....i text him, tell him that i hope hes having a good night, he asks where i am, i say on the way to mias.....i walk in, and he's there, he snuck out again........i like him more.......we have a great time, talking shit, drinking whiskey....its time to go.....we stand outside and talk....he tells me that when he kissed me at his house a couple days ago, he thought his heart was going to explode. i agree.....he goes home i go home........he calls asking to see me the next day........i dont say no...............

josh, his name is josh....

I'm home alone tonight.
Full moon illuminates my room, and sends my mind aflight.
I think I was dreaming up some thoughts that were seemingly
possible...with you.
So I call you on the tin can phone.
We rendezvous at a quarter-two, and make sure we're alone.
I think I've found a way for you and I to finally fly free.
When we get there, we're gonna fly so far away.
Making sure to laugh; while we experience anti-gravity.
For years, I kept it to myself.
Now potentialities are bound, and living under my shelf.
Simply choose your destination from the diamond canopy,and we'll be there.

slc is fuckin weird

2008-07-08T12:55:00.000-07:00

the dude abides

tommy used to work on the docks..........

2008-07-01T14:04:00.000-07:00

4 days sef

Tommy used to work on the docks

Unions been on strike

Hes down on his luck...its tough, so tough

Gina works the diner all day

Working for her man, she brings home her pay

For love - for love

She says weve got to hold on to what weve got

cause it doesnt make a difference

If we make it or not

Weve got each other and thats a lot

For love - well give it a shot

Whooah, were half way there

Livin on a prayer

Take my hand and well make it - I swear

Livin on a prayer

Tommys got his six string in hock

Now hes holding in what he used

To make it talk - so tough, its tough

Gina dreams of running away

When she cries in the night

Tommy whispers baby its okay, someday

Weve got to hold on to what weve got

cause it doesnt make a difference

If we make it or not

Weve got each other and thats a lot

For love - well give it a shot

Weve got to hold on ready or not

You live for the fight when its all that youve got

I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes

2008-06-24T13:19:00.000-07:00

people tell me all the time to get over myself....no, i mean ALL the time.and i never understand what it means....im not even trying to be sarcastic or anything, i just dont understand what the literal meaning of that saying is. i also dont understand what the obsession is with everyone i know freaking out on me at some point.....perhaps(according to friends) its one of those things where since ive decided im not attracted to or want to be with a certain person, they dont even want to be my friend and will find ways to alienate me immediately...i dont really agree with that, but at the same time, it has happened before......now, dont get me wrong, i understand that i have a tendency to lose it, and sometimes(ok, often) take out my frustrations on ppl close to me, and that is probably not fair....however, i dont think anything ive ever talked shit about (be it your skills on the ball field, or your cripling obsession with the foo fighters, or even the way you talk) to my 'friends' -warrants the latest anti-lu campaign. lets check this out for a minute. say you have autism and it makes you socially awkward---i would never give you shit about it, because you cant help it, its a sickness, a disease...not exactly like but sort of like insomnia...its a valid, diagnosed issue=leave it alone. if you had, lets say, been in a motorcycle accident and nearly died and now have screws in your foot that make it a little harder to do what you once did i would never give you shit about it...id be glad you werent crippled. now, if you slip and fall trying to skate a sled down a mountain and break your ankle, im giving you plenty of shit, glad youre ok, but im gonna tease the hell out of you. but back to the screwed foot thing, or maybe a pin in a knee that not only ruined your ball career but set you off on a painkiller addiction that nearly killed you=leave it alone. now for the most most most important one. if you smoke crack cocaine while youre pregnant and you have some more little people running around your house all with different daddys and you cant get off of welfare because of your crack addiction, youre getting shit from me. and all of society....if you have a child who is more amazing than most adults i know, if your child is the entire reason for your survival and the only connection you have left to someone you loved and had to bury, if your child is beautiful and well taken care of AND you do it with no help whatsoever, im not only not talking shit about your parenting but im giving you a fucking medal for not killilng yourself 5 years ago. and yet, THESE are the subjects that my 'friend' decided to go off on...the ones he knew would hurt me the most....it never goes away, it never changes, and of course i have to look at it and realize that i am the common denominator in all of it, so therefore if i choose to better my attitude, these things wouldnt happen...fuck that. sorry, but im one of those love me or hate me kinda chicks, i really dont care.....robotics prevent it, actually. when you are friends w/ me, you know that i am crass, that i am honest to a fault, and that i dont need you.....most of you, i want...but fuck i got friends, i dont need anymore...least of all ones who are too fragile to survive in the acid tongued, whiskey fueled world that i am (according to weaker beings) the ruler of. heres an excerpt from the latest......keep in mind that up until, lets say a week ago, this person and myself were 'friends' enjoy:

"......of course you want to compare childhoods, its a safety issue for you. you know that no matter what i say, you can top it. you have the luxury of launching into that tired old 'im a single mother, ive lived more lifetimes and seen more and done more and...blah blah blah' i cant compete with that and you know it. you love it, you need that. its your fucking get out of jail free card....."

excuse me? ?the LUXURY????
now let me just say, and i refuse to defend myself to any of this, but let me just say that i was comparing his childhood to my kid's not mine.....that being said, he's right about the fact that his spoiled little ass hasnt learned any of the lessons i have so its ridiculous for him to attack that aspect of my personality....here's another good part:

"...you dont act like youre the center of the universe?-laughable. two words: whiskey weekend. the whole time its all about how you hate your birthday and you might freak out at any minute...."

whiskey weekend was my birthday.....sorry, brosef but the world does in fact revolve around me during my birthday....he left out the part where i thanked everyone repeatedly for being there for me because it is a hell day for me....thanks, friend.before i get to my favorite part, let me say this...he lives with his mother and has NO IDEA what real life is like:

"...youre the child. you think youre the only one with problems. you think that getting along means that everyone around you deals with your issues for you. im sick of it, grow the fuck up and dont drag me down with your bullshit..."

remember, ive left out a giant part of this whole thing...like when he told me that my 9 year old is more responsible than i will ever be...now THAT is laughable. i really wish he could spend one day being me.

all i can say is FUCKING BRILLIANT. i have been berated and held down by people better than this.

You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down
You just stood there grinning
You got a lotta nerve
To say you got a helping hand to lend
You just want to be on
The side that's winning
You say I let you down
You know it's not like that
If you're so hurt
Why then don't you show it
You say you lost your faith
But that's not where it's at
You had no faith to lose
And you know it
I know the reason
That you talk behind my back
I used to be among the crowd
You're in with
Do you take me for such a fool
To think I'd make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don't know to begin with
You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, "How are you?"
"Good luck"
But you don't mean it
When you know as well as me
You'd rather see me paralyzed
Why don't you just come out once
And scream it
No, I do not feel that good
When I see the heartbreaks you embrace
If I was a master thief
Perhaps I'd rob them
And now I know you're dissatisfied
With your position and your place
Don't you understand
It's not my problem
I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you
Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You'd know what a drag it is
To see you

when the bible is a bottle

2008-06-17T13:12:00.001-07:00

I don't see you through the windshield
I don't see you in faces looking back at me
alcohol doesn't have much that matters to say
can't imagine where you and time to kill will stay
when the bible is a bottle
and the hardwood floor is home
when morning comes twice a day or not at all
if I break in two will you put me back together
when this puzzle's figured out will you still be around
to say you've just been there
walking the line upside down
walked and breathed many a cancerous mile
where the bat of an eye is too slow to beat the coffin
they won't tell it on the TV
they can't say it on the radio
they pay to move it off the shelf and into our minds
until you can't tell the truth
when it's right in front of your eyes
when the bible is a bottle
and the hardwood floor is home
when morning comes twice a day or not at all
if I break in two will you put me back together
when this puzzle's figured out will you still be around
to say you've just been there
walking the line upside down

uncle tupelo, still be around.....its a good song, thats all.

You're so cute when you're slurring your speech,But they're closing the bar and they want us to leave

2008-06-10T12:44:00.000-07:00

the whiskey weekend.....ah how glorious it was....friday night was the blow out, really...visited every acceptable drinking establishment in down town mayberry......early on, i could feel the vibes in the air, i mean, i did drink a LOT of makers mark even before like 9pm.....i decided that even though my best friends were not there, i have made some damn good ones right here in this town. of course i missed grant and ziede and daddy etc....but it was so good to be surrounded by positive, loving ppl on a weekend where i knew i was going to break down. early on in the night, i saw mike...i knew it was going to happen...he's a drunk and its a small town on a friday night... of course he burned holes in the back of my head staring for a while until i decided to be the bigger person and go have a conversation with him. it was nice....he is tragically cute, after all...i basically told him AGAIN that he shouldnt be weird around me, and that i was doing well, hoped he was too...all the while, there is a chick yelling at him, and me 'where do you guys know each other from??!?!' two problems with this..1)the obvious disregard for grammar and 2) who the FUCK is this girl...however, i enjoyed the fact that he just ignored her as he continued to talk to me....he said he missed me, he said he'd been doing a lot of thinking about what he wants out of life...i said, dont be so serious, lets just have a beer.....then i walked away thinking i had gotten him out of my system(at least for the night) many makers and gingerales later, we walked down the street to the loser strip club...and of course, he was there...and of course, like me, he opted to not go into the club, just stayed out in the front bar, drinking whiskey...he approached me this time, and we had a drink...and a very lacking conversation, in fact we had a bit of an argument at that point...his ride (the obnoxious chick from before) was leaving and basically dragging him out of the bar.....i said 'you dont have to leave, you can chill with us' and he said 'why do you act like you need me to have a good time for your birthday?' of course this pissed me off, because who the FUCK is he to think i need him?? i havent needed anyone in my entire life much less someone who is emotionally fiffuckingteen....so then it was HIS turn to walk away from me. we left that bar and went to the next one, and around bar close, my friends decided to stand around and discuss the fact that we had to get beer soon or miss out. i wasnt going to wait, so i walked down the street toward the store and my house..i did not have my phone because it was in safe hands so i couldnt make whiskey fueled phone calls to big mike, no one knew where i was for a good solid hour..it was kinda nice, except i was wearing my docs that weigh about 9 lbs a piece instead of my chucks like usual..and lets be honest, my house isnt really all that close to where we were...and its up hill the whole way but fuck it, i stopped to get beer and shared one with a homeless guy on a bus bench thinking my friends had to be right behind me, they know me well enough to know that i most likely had to get liquor into my system and get home..i have a habit of doing exactly that. well, they werent behind me, ever.i got home alone and sat on my doorstep drinking miller lite(gross)until my sis rolled up.we started drinking more, then steve got there and i remembered that he was the one who had my phone...4am rolls around and who do you think is blowing my phone up??? yep...none other than....so i,because i think i have a slight case of retardation, get in my car and drive to get him and bring him home...like the time before, i just left my house full of ppl and disappeared only to return with mike...on the way back he said 'your friends are going to trip out on me, right?' i told him no, but that i thought my sister would probably have a word or two for him...we get to my place and she wont even look at him just stares straight ahead and says 'fuck you mike' burn. 3rd degree burn. we hang out and drink some beers and smoke a bit before he says to me, 'i really would like to just sit and talk to you, can we go upstairs?' we go, im standing there brushing my teeth when he starts in again...'you need me' then it was my turn to say 'fuck you, mike' i told him i did NOT need him...i said that i liked him, and that i wanted him, but fuck if i NEEDED him...he walked away, and layed in my bed..where he proceeds to tell me that he wants to be with me but he's scared etc etc....i see through his bullshit like it was a fucking window, he really shouldve just said straight up 'hey, lets bang and then i'll go back to ignoring you' woulda had the same outcome, cause i was down...this boy is good at things and fuck it, its my birthday weekend, a girl had needs.......as you can figure out, he got up in the morning and left...after holding me all night and being the sweetheart that i fell for the first time....the last thing he said to me, as he was kissing me goodbye 'i wont be weird anymore, well not AS weird...'

It was one hundred degrees, as we sat beneath a willow tree,
Who's tears didn't care, they just hung in the air, and refused to fall, to fall.

And I knew I'd made horrible call,
And now the state line felt like the Berlin wall,
And there was no doubt about which side I was on.

Cause I built you a home in my heart,
With rotten wood, it decayed from the start.

Cause you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.
No you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.

I braved treacherous streets,
And kids strung out on homemade speed.
And we shared a bed in which I could not sleep,
At all, woo, hoo, woo, hooOoOo.

Cause at night the sun in retreat,
Made the skyline look like crooked teeth,
In the mouth of a man who was devouring, us both.

You're so cute when you're slurring your speech,
But they're closing the bar and they want us to leave.

And you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.
No you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.

I'm a war, of head versus heart,
And it's always this way.
My head is weak, my heart always speaks,
Before I know what it will say.

And you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.
There were churches, theme parks and malls,
But there was nothing there all along.

Cryin' won't help you, prayin' won't do you no good,

2008-06-09T13:35:00.001-07:00

i have always hated this day....and nearly every year it ends (or begins) with some sort of horrible break down...every year i cut off all of my hair or dye it some insane colour...every year i get wayyyyy too drunk for wayyyyy too many days and i fall in love 10 times a night...and every year since 2001, i have missed my brother....todd was one of those ppl who could make you laugh even when you didnt want to. i was at a funeral for an 11 year old boy who was shot and killed by his older brother, a good friend of mine, and it was so so sad...well there was todd, acting like a retard and making me laugh my ass off. you have all heard me, especially during ball, talk like im handicapped...i learned from the freakin master...we got kicked out of an airport once because i was pushing him around in a wheelchair and he was literally drooling on himself, putting on the best show id ever seen---he took a break from his performance and security noticed that he was not, in fact, handicapable....so they threw us out...nevermind that we were waiting for a flight across the country!!!! they let us back in eventually and we(obviously) got home but moms knew the whole story by the time we got home....narcs....thats all i have to say about that...the last conversation i had with him before he died was one of the most hilarious ever....and for that im slightly thankful...because i talked to him the day of his death and i made sure(as i do with everyone important to me) to hang up the phone with an ilove you....he knew and that is comforting, i just wish he was able to know my daughter...they wouldve gotten along so great....the day before my birthday 2001, he called and said he was going to be on my side of town to pick up his paycheck before going to colorado to see his cunt, i mean girlfriend....more on that later....maybe....anyway, i told him id meet him downtown for lunch or something cause i probably wouldnt see him until the fourth of july.....he said 'nah, i gotta go down by the fairgrounds, i'll just come by your place later' i said, 'oh its no big deal, mikey works down there' 'WAIT!! YOUR HUSBAND WORKS AT THE FAIRGROUNDS???!!! IS HE A CARNY!??!?! YOU MARRIED A CARNY?!?!?! OH MY GOD, I HAVE TO GO!!!' needless to say, i laughed so hard i couldnt breathe as he hung up on me due to my being 'married to a carny' he knew better, he'd known mikey as long as i had and i just meant that his shop was in the same general area as the fairgrounds....so i called him back and he was still laughing accusing me of loving and being married to a circus freak, tweeker carny.....then he dropped the bomb---said, 'i cant believe you married someone who works with midgets....does he ever get any midget on you?' what the fuck does that mean??? get some midget on me? like its mustard??? he was a funny dude, thats for sure.....we talked for about an hour, the entire time it took him to drive to the fairgrounds, then i told him i loved him and i would set a place for him at dinner that night....he never showed.

If it keeps on rainin', levee's goin' to break,
When The Levee Breaks I'll have no place to stay.

Mean old levee taught me to weep and moan,
Got what it takes to make a mountain man leave his home,
Oh, well, oh, well, oh, well.

Don't it make you feel bad
When you're tryin' to find your way home,
You don't know which way to go?
If you're goin' down South
They go no work to do,
If you don't know about Chicago.

Cryin' won't help you, prayin' won't do you no good,
Now, cryin' won't help you, prayin' won't do you no good,
When the levee breaks, mama, you got to move.

All last night sat on the levee and moaned,
Thinkin' about me baby and my happy home.
Going, going to Chicago... Going to Chicago... Sorry but I can't take you...
Going down... going down now... going down....

Empty from the start

2008-06-04T11:46:00.000-07:00

january 3 1996 was one of those days...ray's 18th birthday.......we had been fighting a lot over xmas vacation, mostly because he found ways every day to be somewhere else besides with me.....i didnt know at the time, but it was because he was tweeking constantly and always had a hard time being around me on drugs...not because he was that different a person, but because he didnt want me wrapped up in them along with him....needless to say, this mentality didnt work because since i was about 14 i had my own addictions....beside the point......when i wised up and well actually, when ian and genie let me in on what was really going on, i did some soul searching, i cried my eyes out, i drank jim beam, and i decided i had to break up with him...for his own good, thats what i thought, anyway...........so january 3 was the first day back to school from the break....i loaded up all of his shit---his doors tapestry, his waiting for the sun cd, his no one here gets out alive book, his necklace, his ring, everything.....put it in a nice birthday bag and walked to school....he drove by as i was walking and stopped, of course, and gave me a ride....we didnt go to school, we drove out to the creek and i handed him a letter...parts 1 and 2...the first part was all about how much i loved him, and it replayed the memories of the last year.....i remember this so well because his ma just mailed me the letter like a couple weeks ago, he had kept it all of these years....part one was awesome.....so much had happened since january 3 1995 and i did a pretty good job of remembering things...it was the year of firsts for me, and they all included this 6'3" 150lb green eyed black haired amazing boy....i loved him so much...even as a 14 year old kid. i remember telling my mom that i loved him and she told me that it was just a crush...anyway im off track again...he read part one, then we made out, and he told me he loved me for the first time...he'd always said little things that let me know he did...his big thing was 'tallyallyvoo' i know, i know, it makes no sense, but in some weird ray way it did...and it does..i find myself saying it to the worm.....i of course start bawling at this point and tell him i love him too, then hand him part two of the letter...i say, dont read it until you drop me off at school....he took me to town, i still didnt give him the birthday bag of stuff......and he dropped me off...a few hours later was time for band, we had it together...i was waiting at the top of the stairs for him to come in...when he rounded the corner to the stairwell, i saw him crying.....he made it to the top and hugged me tighter than he ever had...apparently he'd read part 2. as you can imagine, it was the part where i broke it off...i told him that i needed him to be there for me in full, not when it was easy for him...i told him that i wished we could get off drugs together so we could be a real couple...i told him that i wasnt sure if our relationship was real or if it was based on drugs and close proximity...(is that how you spell that?) he didnt say anything, just hugged me...it was the best hug i have ever had from a boy, or will ever.....at that point i thought about just retracting and saying i was sorry that i was high or something and didnt realize what i was talking about, and maybe we should just stay together....but then i thought some more...i was 16, i knew i was headed down a destructive path w him because he was danger, excitement, sex, drugs, rock and roll and drugs.......everything i wanted but knew i didnt need....so as he let me go, i stepped back and gave him the bag of his stuff....then walked away........he didnt go into band that day, or the next, or the next....i didnt see him or hear from him for 3 days...i got so scared that he'd done something stupid, or was avoiding me which was somehow worse......no one else had seen him or heard from him either....i tried calling, nothing, i asked his sister, nothing.....the 3rd night, i went to his house...his ma answered the door, then shut it, didnt ask me in, which was weird because she loved me, and i was welcome there even if he wasnt there, you know? i didnt go away, i stood outside and waited...ray came to the door, he looked like death, had lost even more weight and was pale pale pale.....i remember that he was wearing his glasses instead of his contacts and it made me laugh a little, because the first time i met him (i was 11) he was wearing those awful things.......soon as he opened the door i grabbed him and told him how wrong i was, how sorry i was, how i didnt know how bad i needed him, in any form even if it was on drugs......we both started crying and he asked me in...we went in his room and layed down on his bed and watched the doors movie...no one said a word....i fell asleep in his arms and then woke up suddenly, realizing that it was late and i shouldve been home, like hours ago........finally i woke him up and i asked why he looked so sick....he'd spent the last 3 days at home...........kicking

Too late it's my birthday

You're not here; you're not there

I called you to tell you

How much I care

Don't you hear me?

I need you near me

I've set a place for two

Your seat and my heart

Empty from the start

And all alone

Did you just forget me?

Not recall I breathe at all

I wrap my arms around me

Hold back the tears

what's one more year

I drink you as I swim

2008-05-23T14:09:00.000-07:00

please look at your calendars....please tell me that it is, in fact May 23, and i have not gone off the deep end, or somehow time traveled unwittingly....

big mike finally said words to me last night.....he said that i was the one who freaked out and went'crazy' so thats why he choses to ignore me.....wow, i thought I was the delusional one..whatev...

i really dont have a lot to bitch about or write about today....just the weather. my knee is killing me because of the cold and wet, but i straightened my hair last night so the irish fro isnt too out of control...i did however say to weather jesus this morning, and i quote, " weather jesus, why doth thou hate me??" to which, he said nothing. g says jesus hates me because i think there are more than one of him....bah is how i respond to that....radio jesus was on his game today though, great show, fun show, lots of calls.....code thinks joni followed him home not long ago....hahahahaha. wow, insanity is rampant in this mountain town, eh? next weekend going to the mogollon music fest.....bittersweet....ray had been talking about putting together a fest in the pines for a while, then he decided to die....so sally jo put it together and its going to be huge....3days, like 40 bands or some ridiculous shit like that...brews, crews and all, cant wait...im takin the sister, we're camping, its going to be fuckin great...hahaha.....i guess im emceeing it, but according to my orange haired 'sef sally, i am not required to stay sober...which is good, cause, well, i cant really see that happening, lets be completely honest...im supposed to be in SLC right now, w/ g and the redhead, going to see one of my favorite bands of all time.....like top 3 seriously....but im a fucking broke dick mother fucker so im taking a remote tomorrow instead...its like, spend a shit ton on a flight etc....or make a few hundred xtra playing radio----yeah, unfortunately its the latter...soon though, very very soon, i will be trecking to the land of mormons and 3.2 beer....sad day....what jesus thought up putting the cure and dcfc back to back in a month that i cant afford it??? i'll tell ya what jesus...the sucky one...grrr. anger wheel...i ordered all those sean carswell books a while back....ive read most of them already....he's fucking brilliant. still cant wait to get train wreck girl, though...maybe this weekend. new cans this weekend too....im gonna find me some fuckin pink ones....yeah thats right, pink. how punk is that?

High up on this mountain

The whole world looks so small

And all the rivers

Run away

Slipping in your deep green heart

I drink you as I swim

And I'm sliding

And I'm sliding with you

Slide beneath my skin

Sleek and deep

And salty sweet

You open up in me

Just like the snow in summer

High up on this mountain

The whole world looks so small

And all the rivers

Run away

Slipping in your soft white heart

I drink you as I swim

And I'm falling

And I'm falling with you

Fall beneath my skin

Sleek and deep

And salty sweet

You come

And close in me

Just like the snow in summer

As it melts

Into the sea

snow in summer -the cure

Lost in a Roman wilderness of pain And all the children are insane All the children are insane Waiting for the summer rain

2008-05-19T12:24:00.001-07:00

why wont my phone get texts? and if my phone doesnt get text, how do i communicate with the outside world? lost in a roman, wilderness of pain........

i went to visit rays gravesite on sunday. it was depressing and weird....not only because thats how i have to 'visit' him now, but because the grass still hasnt grown in, and there was just a lonely prayer candle and a dead flower at the site, still no headstone.....it was just sad to see. his parents and sister are far away, they cant take care of it, and his family that IS left in the slow are just too old and/or detached to do anything about it....so, i went by on my way to get the worm from my sister, left a note. had a smoke and left. a couple of hours later, i thought 'fuck it, im going back' went to the store to get some flowers to leave....but as i had the flowers in my hand i decided that soon they would be dead and just as depressing as what was currently there....so i looked around the store and found some tea light holders that were shaped like mushrooms! i know, how perfect, right? so i bought a few of them and some candles, and went back out this time, the worm decided to come with me....i pull up and see a familiar truck---the only other vehicle in the cemetary....it just so happens to be neil....rays best friend from elementary school. the other guy in the picture of ray and i at homecoming when i was 15...the guy who called me and told me ray was dead on march 12. hadnt seen him in years, and there he was, at the same time i was...neither of us live in that town, neither of us had any reason(really) to stop there that day, and i certainly had no reason to go back as i had been there just a few hours before....neil talked to my kid and it choked him up...to see her and to know him, well, its kind of hard not to draw conclusions.....i stopped talking to neil around 1996...after ray left for nau and his many adventures abroad, i tried to keep close with neil, it was rays bff after all...right? but one night, i know it was winter, it was cold as fuck and i was wearing overalls and my docs w/ ray's rasta hat, i remember the weirdest details-----i went out w/ neil and his then girlfriend, tara...she ended up ruining my boy jeremy's life, but thats a story for another time...anyway, i was sitting shotgun in neils truck(the same one that was in the cemetary yesterday) and tara was upset about something, she was ALWAYS upset about something, and wanted to go home. i was out of it, probably coke being that i was w/ neil, maybe hallucinagens....(yet i remember what shoes i was wearing?) either way, i had had it w/ her bitching and said to neil that i thought he should just take her home, we could go smoke a joint w/ barney with out her...its not like she was going to partake anyway....i stared out the window and played with my bracelet as they fought.it was a heavy bracelet, or at least it was that night, which is why i thought it coulda been acid, or mushrooms....it was a chain of pure silver with a really cool clasp on it, it was a skull head that went into a helmet of some sort so when it was closed it just looked like the skull was wearing the helmet...it was dope. ray had gotten it for me for HIS graduation a couple of months before.....they yelled at each other for what seems like 16 hours, but since we were in the slow, and its only 6 miles from end to end, im sure it was only a few minutes. we stopped at a stop light and he yelled at her to get out of the truck...which meant i had to get out too...we were right near ians place so i figured id jump out, let her out and then just walk to ians. fuck neil and his stupid girlfriend, they were killing my buzz....i get out, standing in the middle of the street, she gets out...HE gets out...he's supposed to be driving, remember? light turns green,there we all are, standing in traffic....i walk out into the other lane, i was done with this night, i was determined to get hit by a car,mostly so i could go home or at least go chill out w/ ian and jay and smoke....no cars come, its winslow after all, and at like 3am on a tuesday or whatever the fuck day it was, not even the cops are out.....they stand in the middle of the street and yell and scream...yeah!! i decide im going to start walking to ians...i KNOW he has dope....just then, i turn around and see neil SLAP THE FUCKING SHIT out of this little 90 lb junkie girl who had been crying all night.......i took off, thats the last time i spoke a word to neil. until march 12.

Yeah, c'mon

When the music's over When the music's over, yeah

When the music's over

Turn out the lights

Turn out the lights, yeah

When the music's over

Turn out the lights

For the music is your special friend

Dance on fire as it intends

Music is your only friend Until the end

Until the end

Cancel my subscription to the Resurrection

Send my credentials to the House of Detention

I got some friends inside

The face in the mirror won't stop

The girl in the window won't drop

A feast of friends "Alive!" she cried

Waitin' for me Outside!

Before I sink

Into the big sleep

I want to hear

I want to hear The scream of the butterfly

Come back, baby Back into my arms

We're gettin' tired of hangin' around

Waitin' around with our heads to the ground

I hear a very gentle sound

Very near yet

very far

Very soft, yeah,

very clear

Come today, come today

What have they done to the earth?

What have they done to our fair sister?

Ravaged and plundered and ripped her and bit her

Stuck her with knives in the side of the dawn And

tied her with fences and

dragged her down

I hear a very gentle sound

With your ear down to the ground

We want the world and we want it...

Now Now? Now!

Persian night, babe

See the light, babe

Save us! Jesus! Save us!

So when the music's over

When the music's over, yeah

When the music's over

Turn out the lights

Well the music is your special friend

Dance on fire as it intends

Music is your only friend

Until the end

Until the end!

i can't eat , I can't sleep,I can't sleep, I can't dream.An aversion to light.Got a fear of the ocean

2008-05-14T11:54:00.000-07:00

"With insomnia nothing is real. Everything is far away. Everything is like a copy of a copy of a copy. When you have insomnia you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake. Nothing is real. "

-i am jacks movie quote

is there a point where sleep becomes pointLESS? i mean, youve found this out after drinking till 6am having to get up and go to work at some point the next day....do you just stay awake? or do you force yourself to close your eyes and replay the days events, over and over and over again? sometimes in vivid colours, sometimes black and cold.....imagine your ENTIRE life was like this...i mean, imagine you havent been drinking with your brosefs all night, youve just been doing regular everyday things....working, taking care of the little people, catching a pick up game, doing some running, then painting, a bit of tele perhaps.....regular stuff....and sleep is still so fleeting...then you get up the next day, drink entirely too much caffeine just to get you through your air shift/life.....and the cycle begins again. my insomnia is going to cost me my job if i cant get it under control...in what NORMAL universe is 9am too early to be at work? apparently zombielu land.....im not zombielu cause im the undead....well....im a zombie because thats how i feel all day, every day....functioning instead of living....cant finish sentences, forget what i went down the cereal aisle for(there are 300 kinds of cereal in the cabinet, why another?), rewrite rewrite things ive already written, say things ive already said.....if i take 'sleep aids' i will sleep but i will not wake up....on occassion, i have taken either my anti nausea stuff (knocks me out) or tylenol 3 to try to speed up the falling asleep part....these are not heavy narcotics so i DO wake up.....at about 430am....mind awake, body feeling like a sack of leaden marshmallows.....if i take the prescribed shittttte my dr gave me, i will sleep for 48 hours straight...not condusive to having a job and/or a child....i need to investigate the exact cause of this....i have been finding little things every now and then that could be the culprit.....maybe a combonation....is that how you spell that? oh yeah, spelling and grammar skills go right out the window along with hand eye coordination and appetite......mmmmm, insomnia....anyway, im not stressing to terribly lately, i eat well, excersise, do all the fucking shit they say to do, drink disgusting tea, take long hot, lavendar baths like im 65 years old.....and nothing works....i can fall asleep....not too difficult to GET to sleep eventually, but i can never stay asleep....once i get up the first time (usually around 330), i cant get back into real sleep and im up again in an hour.....which is why i ask, at what point do i just get up and tweeker clean my house or read war and peace? kinda tired of being tired.....my body is breaking down because of it, my ears hurt, my back hurts, my head hurts...because i cant sleep, when i do catch a couple of hours (or one,whatev) my dreams are so intense that its almost taking away from the quality of zzzz im getting....the other night i had a dream that my mother was a serial killer and my little brother and i had to shoot her to get her to stop killing...it was nutty. i dream about little ray a lot....usually it starts out with a memory, then progresses to a wild ass dream which will never come true...i dont know, mybea his parents being in contact is lending to my not sleeping? nah, i dont think so, they are really good people who just need to reach out to someone who is hurting too, i think? fuck i really dont know....

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground

Try this trick and spin it, yeah

Your head will collapse

But there's nothing in it

And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind?

Way out in the water

See it swimmin'

I was swimmin' in the Caribbean

Animals were hiding behind the rocks

Except the little fish

But they told me, he swears

Tryin' to talk to me, coy koi.

And she was lying in the grass

2008-05-12T10:55:00.000-07:00

weekends are made for shlitz....i dont know what that means. friday night, i saw big mike out....for the first time since he started ignoring me....and it was strange. i was surprisingly calm about it, though...at first, i just saw him standing there with his boys, then he disappeared for a bit....we went inside to grab a pint and he was back...this time with a pocket sized blonde in his clutches...he had to have known i was standing right there....leads to the question----why do i keep meeting children? by that i mean, the guys im meeting and have always met, have a mental/emotional/social age of about 16. how do i get away from this? what do i need to do to meet someone NORMAL????? now, dont get me wrong, i love my life....im enjoying living by myself for the first time ever, and i love that i dont have to pick up after or cook for a demanding, suffocating boy anymore.....but come on, im human too and i wouldnt mind making out with a hot guy every once in a while....hahaha. anyway, ray always said 'you bring about what you think about' so maybe im just putting it out into the universe the wrong way....fuck i dont know. i miss him....he was perpetually 16 too, but he at the very least knew that and was trying to remedy it..........grrrrrrrrrr.

lando:ARE YOU AWARE THAT AT FRAT PARTIES, 1 OUT OF EVERY 4 BROS IS A VICTIM OF BRO RAPE AND OF THOSE, ONLY 1 OUT OF 7 WILL TELL THEIR BOYS ABOUT IT THE NEXT DAY?

i love my life.

hey! and she was lying in the grass
And she could hear the highway breathing
And she could see a nearby factory
Shes making sure she is not dreaming
See the lights of a neighbors house
Now shes starting to rise
Take a minute to concentrate
And she opens up her eyes
The world was moving and she was right there with it (and she was)
The world was moving she was floating above it (and she was) and she was
And she was drifting through the backyard
And she was taking off her dress
And she was moving very slowly
Rising up above the earth
Moving into the universe
Drifting this way and that
Not touching ground at all
Up above the yard
She was glad about it... no doubt about it
She isnt sure where shes gone
No time to think about what to tell them
No time to think about what shes done
And she was
And she was looking at herself
And things were looking like a movie
She had a pleasant elevation
Shes moving out in all directions
Joining the world of missing persons (and she was)
Missing enough to feel alright (and she was)

I'm not a real doctor,

2008-05-09T13:19:00.000-07:00

AGHHHHHHHHH!!

My name is Dr. Worm.
Good morning. How are you?
I'm Dr. Worm.
I'm interested in things.
I'm not a real doctor,But I am a real worm;I am an actual worm.
I live like a worm.
I like to play the drums.
I think I'm getting good,But I can handle criticism.
I'll show you what I know,
And you can tell me if you think I'm getting better on the drums.
I'll leave the front un-locked 'cause I can't
Hear the doorbell
When I get into it I can't tell if you are
Watching me twirling the stick.
When I give the signal,
my friend Rabbi Vole will pay the solo
Some day somebody else besides me will
Call me by my stage name, they will
Call me Dr Worm.
Good Morning how are you, I'm Dr Worm
I'm interested in things.
I'm not a real doctor,But I am a real worm;I am an actual worm.
I live like a worm.
I like to play the drums.
I think I'm getting good,But I can handle criticism.
I'll show you what I know,And you can tell me if you think I'm getting better on the drums.
I'm not a real doctor,But they call me Dr. Worm.

I've always been different with one foot over the line

2008-05-08T10:50:00.000-07:00

lando: CRAZY CRAZY

lu:yes, you are. youve always been crazy but you know, its kept you from going insane?

lando:TECHNICALLY SPEAKING YOU ARE CORRECT. BUT LET ME ASK YOU THIS; HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A DRUNK BABY?

lu: only in my dreams. have you? dude, you know what? i fucking miss you like crazy

lando:I HAVENT EITHER, BUT IT'D BE TOTALLY HILARIOUS, ITS ALL LIKE OH SHIT THAT BABY'S TOO DRUNK TO TALK...OH WAIT. I MISS YOU TOO, MOST PEOPLE DONT GET ME

lu: hahahahahahahaha that baby's too drunk to talk! hahahahahahahahaaaahhhhahahaha

lando:STUPID BABIES, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

lu: i...cant...breathe...hahaha, next thing you know the drunk little thing will try to walk

lando: YEAH TOTALLY THEN IT'LL BE SO WASTED IT'LL PISS ITSELF!

lu: just got out of the shower, had a ball game tonight and beers after, getting into sleep zone and thinking about drunk babies. you?

lando:WELL AT LEAST IT ISNT RANDOMLY THROWING UP ON ITSELF...SNAP

lu: oh the humanity, almost feel sorry for it.

lando: BALL GAME? SHOWER? BEERS? WHO IS THIS, JOSE CONSECO?

lu: how did you guess??you know, i was thinking, how would you know if youve ever seen a drunk baby?

lando:USUALLY THEY TRY TO PUNCH YOU, OR BREAKDANCE

lu: is this a scientific fact, or just based on your observations of nic?

lando:CALL AL GORE, BABY, THIS SHITS AIRTIGHT!

lando: OR AT LEAST TRY TO PAGE HIM

lu:im on it. i have access to the very secret scientific fact phone. shhhh no one can know. what are you up to tonight anyway? soccer and whiskey or beers and waylon?

lando:IT'LL BE OUR SECRET, JUST LIKE THE JFK THING AND CELLPHONE SHADOW PUPPET THEATRE

lu:.hey now, you never know who is listening in. i thought we decided we wouldnt talk about cell phone shadow puppet theatre in such an open forum such as text messaging

lando: DONT WORRY, IM WEARING A TIN FOIL BERET, THEY'LL NEVER KNOW.

real conversation, with a real lando.

Possessions never meant anything to me I'm not crazy

2008-05-07T16:20:00.000-07:00

please feel free to argue via comments on this entry...i enjoy it, it gives me something to look forward to each day...its highly entertaining and i cant wait to see who 'wins.' Brooke, i feel that you and i are probably a lot alike and you are afraid to admit it, and well, thats cool. maybe in an alternate, bizaro universe such as the right hand of the apocalyptic elvis, we will be best friends. grant, i love you more than i love my little toes....and i love how you school my bff brooke. keep it up, i beg of you...steven, my love,the spaghetti eating love of my life, you are amazing and you know it. thank you for standing up for me in this thing, whatever it is....i never felt that i needed to be stood up for, because i dont understand why ive been targeted or whatever is going on, but i do appreciate you nonetheless....keep it up, because i DO think you are clever.......

k, talk amongst yourselves. just please do me a favor and let me post/rant/complain/vent/cry about things that actually matter in my own way, without your name calling and arguing about nothing poisoning it...........get it?

♥dont know why i picked linoleum for this one, but fuck, its a good song, eh?
Possessions never meant anything to me
I'm not crazy
Well that's not true, I've got a bed, and a guitar
And a dog named Bob who pisses on my floor
That's right, I've got a floor
So what, so what, so what?
I've got pockets full of kleenex and lint and holes
Where everything important to me
Just seems to fall right down my leg
And on to the floorMy closest friend linoleum
LinoleumSupports my head, gives me something to believe
That's me on the beachside combing the sand
Metal meter in my handSporting a pocket full of change
That's me on the street with a violin under my chin
Playing with a grin, singing gibberish
That's me on the back of the bus
That's me in the cel
lThat's me inside your head
That's me inside your head
That's me inside your head

There will never be another one like you

2008-05-07T14:31:00.000-07:00

the latest email from rays ma....dylan is rays son, he's six.

I swear, for the last month every time I turn on the radio the doors are playing - constantly. I'm sure he is sending a message that he is OK -
perfect - I just wish I could see him in the paradise where he is.
Yesterday Dylan said "If we google -what does heaven look like? - what
do think it would show" Everyone wonders and noone can know. What
is your address? I'll send the letter. Gotta go, Shawn

what do i do with this information? how do i comfort her when im a wreck myself? how do i express my condolences to a woman who has lost her son without telling her how bad im hurting as well? cant figure out the words, i just cant.

i want to be over this, im trying i will promise you that...but just when it starts to hurt a little less, i remember what i felt like the day i forgot the sound of todds voice.....it was horrible. because he was gone from my memories...i dont want that to happen with ray. did i already say how i called and called his phone right after he died just to hear his voicemail? and then one night, it was just gone.....that one hurt. i can still feel him near me, i still find little things of his all over my house....but at some point, they are just going to be things.....not HIS things....rambling, i know

there will never be, another one like you
There will never be, another one who can
Do the things you do, oh
Will you give another chance? , will you try, little try?
Please stop and you remember,We were together, anyway,
all right
And if you have a certain evenin, you could lend to me
Id give it all right back to you, a how it has to be with you
I know your moves and your mindAnd your mind
Will you stop and think and wonder?
Just what youll see
Out on the train yard
Nursin penitentiary
Its gone, I cry out long
Go head, brother
Did you stop it to consider? , how it will feel
Cold, grinded grizzly bear jaws, hot on your heels
Do you often stop and whisper?
Its saturdays shore
The whole worlds a savior
Who could ever, ever, everEver, ever, ever, ask for more?
Do you remember? Will you stop? , will you stop?
the pain
And there will never be
Another one like you
There will never beAnother one who can
Do the things you do, oh
Will you give another chance? Will you try, little try?
Please stop and you remember
We were together, anyway, all right
How you must of think and wondered
How I must feel
Out on the meadows
While you run the field
Im alone for you
And I cry
The sweat, look at it, optical promise
Heh, heh, heh, youll be dead and in hell
Before Im born, sure thing
Brides maid, the only solution
Isnt it amazing?

Just close your eyes and ignore the dark that troubles you most

2008-04-30T16:28:00.000-07:00

how do i put a link in here? http://www.gorsky.razorcake.org/ yeah!!! im smarterest now!!! that link is there for you to follow, jerks. look up Sean Carswell....first and foremost, i havent been into an american author since my obsession w/ kerouac took hold......lately been reading a lot of limeys and micks....and well, by heritage, carswell is a mick, but he is american. lived in flagstaff for a lot of years, as a matter of fact. in the winter, i went to a bukowski fest w/ some friends of mine at one of our favorite bars. some guy did a reading from a book called "Barney's Crew" and it was friggin awesome, dude...hilarious and thought provoking and well, just plain cool. but i just went about gettin' drunk and didnt remember the author....ah well...last weekend, the news girl here(who is awesome btw) kicked me down a ticket to the book festival...since i was already half in the can and just right across the street from the theatre, i went....besides i was talked into it by cody who reassured me that there would, in fact, be PBR and vodka at the theatre, so its not like we had to sit through poetry readings sober......anyway--------took our seats and there was a lady reading from her book of mommy poetry..and she was good, for sure...but not really my speed...again, not really into american authors OR poets...especially when its all crying, sentimental, mommy shit...i just dont have that gene, or chromosome, or give a fuck, or something....she wasnt terrible though, thats not what im saying, just not my taste....ok, ok...so the MC gets up and intros the next dude and says 'the author of "Barney's Crew"....just put out a new book called "Train Wreck Girl"(which i had JUST read about like the day before, and put on my list of summer reads)...Sean Carswell' well hell, looks like we're stayin now, eh???? the dude was bad ass...funny funny funny but also made me cry(i know, right???!) and think. he was reading from the new book...and its all about him breaking up w/ his girlfriend and then she dies....and then about how life just keeps going whether you want it to or not...close to home......but funny as shit! i just ordered ALL of his books from gorsky(thats the link), which is his pub house, for 4 bucks a piece. unfortunately his debut "Drinks for the Little Guy" was sold out and "Train Wreck Girl" wasnt available....but im ok with that. i'll get them eventually...i mean, my birthday IS coming up, and i DID give you the link and tell you that the books are only 4 bucks! hahahahha...hahahh.

oh, and i suppose it wouldnt be zombie times at lulu high if i didnt throw in some sadness/madness, right?

thanks so much for the email - everything that happened just seems so
wrong. I start crying just trying to write to you.It actually gets
kind of harder as the shock wears offI. In his stuff was a letter from you to him, written way back in high school or Jr. High. If you want it I
can mail it to you. Funny how he had saved it so long. You were alway
so special to him - he just wasn't well. I gotta go, can't be crying at
work. I'll be away from my computer till next Tuesday. Hugs, Shawn

an email i got from Ray's ma today in regards to one i wrote to her. mine just said that i wanted her to call me if she needed anything, etc....and that if she wants to see the worm to let me know...so many letters from/to him that i could compile them and write a book....maybe....

So try to sleep with a smile
I promise ill wait a while
To make sure that you moved on
You won’t be lost
I will always hold your hand
Ill never let you fall

Cause nothing Nothing else matters at all
If you’re scared just think of me
‘Cause you know ill never let you be
Anywhere but with me

My fiction beats the hell out of my truth

2008-04-29T17:21:00.000-07:00

FINALLY-----mitch came in today and signed his contracts which means we go live on monday....its only been since freakin NOVEMBER we started talking about this....better late than never i suppose. ooooh, syncronicity is on this song is awesome...you should check out OYSTER HEAD they dont make music any more but they were a one off, a colab between trey,les, and copeland from the police---how bad ass is that? yeah, pretty good, pretty good. bummed i missed prince, that is for sheeze. but, and i have to agree w/ g here, he will tour this summer/ fall and i will see him...damn it, i WILL see prince. though my love for him is by some considered posing(because he came out before i was born), i still loves me the purple one. coachella sort of came and went, didnt it? since the lineup announcement i had the poster as my wallpaper at work...then as time went on, and the lineup changed to include his purpleness, i realized that i wasnt going to be able to attend....and my heart broke....i think i figured it out when i found out i was going to have to have my insides scraped out...couldnt afford the surgery AND the trek to the desert...and to top it off, everyone sort of stopped talking about it. i was sort of waiting for grant and the redhead to hype it up and get me all pumped and saying 'fuck it' to my car payment so i could afford it...but alas, that never happened. however, the lollapalooza lineup came out a couple weeks ago---and well, fuck....id much rather attend that. especially if i were able to wrangle media creds for it...hahahaha. yeah good luck w/ that...never know, stranger things have happened, eh? the idea of wilco on stage makes my loins tingle...hahahah but the lineup, seriously is ridiculous. radiohead, ratm, wilco(as mentioned) NIN, kayne, raconteurs, holy shit fuck...did that say dirks bentley? hahahah odd....and yet....not. cure in slc soon, dcfc not long after my bday in phx....wanted to see joe cocker this year(how cool would that be?) but its the same day as pat and bunny's wedding..so no go..speaking of which, i need a date to that, know anyone? heres my criteria(clearly based on my 'record') 1)must NOT have a job 2)must either sell drugs or have an addiction that will eventually kill you 3)must be the cheating type, esp with my friends 4)must not only be afraid of commitment but also afraid to TELL me youre afraid of commitment......k, that should do...maybe one of you could hook me up w/ your felon brother? or shit, your addict father? hahahahahaha...oh lord...here comes that black cloud of gloom again...better kiss the bottle....
It gets lonliest at night Down at the liquor store
Beneath the neon sky Our moonlight Six a.m. the floor comes alive with lice
The pan's dried up so tight
With hardened beans We're hungry
So I lean on you sometimes Just to see you're still there
Your feet can't take the weight of one Much less two
We hit concrete How were we born into this mess?
I know I painted you a prettier picture, baby
But we were run out on a rail Fell from the wagon to the night train
I kissed the bottle I should've been kissing you
You wake up to an empty night
With tears for two
Cigarettes they fill the gaps In our empty days
In our broken teeth We're jonesing
Say mister, can you spare a dime? Some change could make a change
Could buy some time Some freedom
Or an ear to hear my story
It's all I've got
My fiction beats the hell out of my truth
A palm upturned burnt blue
Don't call it sunburn
You've been shaking on the job
Just one drink ahead of your past
There's a white light coming up
You draw the blinds hoping it'll pass
I kissed the bottle I should've been kissin you
You wake up to an empty night With tears for two

smells like teen spirit

2008-04-29T17:01:00.000-07:00

thought i would let you know why i am REMOVING my blogs that are offensive to ppl---------because my PD has been alerted to my dislike toward one of my co workers, and well, according to those involved, that is not conducive to a healthy work environment. this saddens me as i have never or plan in the future to back down from a statement that ihave made. i stick to my guns is what im saying, and i do not back track and pretend that i didnt say what was said....however, im taking it down. i dont want any more tears from people who are supposed to be a)adult and b)oh wait, still ADULT. oh well, if you want to play jr high and tattle, then so be it. i hope you are preying for my return to 'pleasantville' and you sleep well. ♥

I'm banned in D.C.

2008-04-28T13:40:00.000-07:00

and so it continues....my blog has become the most popular site on the web!! hahahaha, apparently there are ppl in the slows selling me out to my co workers.....this my friends, is awesome. for a couple of reasons---how did this 'listener' find my page? why was he interested in reading it? why did he think it needed to alert mike to it? hahahahaha oh man oh man. gotta say, i feel flattered that so many people are so up my ass that they pass the blog between them...it was/ is inteded for myself to keep my thoughts straight, to vent, to deal. it is actually, my right. michael knight and i have established our relationship...he knows and has always known how i feel about being talked down to, belittled because im a female, a YOUNG female at that. he knows that i do not deal well with being told how to live my life...especially by someone who has repeatedly and admittedly made more horrible mistakes than i. i welcome advice, mostly if it is solicited but this guy likes to let me know just how to go about things...because i am young and female. since that last blog was written, he did apologize for his behaviour....and i accepted, because (unlike brookey likes to believe) i do not harbor anger toward those who dont deserve it.i honestly think that he is trying to re evaluate how he treats ppl around here and that is good. do i have to like everyone? nope. do i have to try and pretend? nope. thats just not who i am...gotta say again though, just how AMAZING this whole thing is. suppose im more popular than i thought i was. hahahhahaaahahhahah. so for those of you lurking my blog....judas, michael knight(no its not his real name, grant) and brookey----keep at it...you'll learn things about me that maybe you didnt want to know before...maybe you will figure out that i am a real person with real feelings and emotions and a pretty skewed view on things. doesnt mean im not great at my job, and it doesnt mean i am bitter, or walking around in a cloud of doom...it simply means i am realer than a tater peeler...deal with it, or shove off, eh? happy reading, and please, continue to comment and to send links to others...all it does for me is get me more readers!! hahaha, its brilliant, when you think about it...when i was blogging on myspiz....well everyone read it, didnt they??! it was a very popular place to be....then the comment wars started, i stayed away from it because, well, it was silly...all i did was write about what was going on, and you all just followed suit and went off on each other...i really think i should write a book---thats what jenny says, cause just THINK of the sales!! if you fuckers are bored enough to search the net for MY useless, addict fueled, heartless, insane ramblings, then you would surely buy the book!!! hhahhhhahaha, i love it....really i really do...in fact, check out my other blog(with friends) called WHEN MIDGETS ATTACK. its a music blog about shows and albums and bands and what not...its not, i'll admit, as entertaining as you seem to think my stuff is...but its up there...these guys definately know music and im sure you can find things to comment about...maybe you dont like LUCERO,and you need to make sure everyone knows it---well we'd love to hear all about it...and again, link it to all your world of war craft buddies. it will help to enrich the lives of all those you love and care about....oh man.....fuck off. and buy a bad brains record...before they went all sissy political that is...

Banned in D.C. with a thousand more places to go.
Gonna swim across the Atlantic, cause that's the only place I can go.
You, you can't hurt me, me I'm banned in D.C. D.C.
We, we got ourselves, gonna sing it, gonna love it, gonna work it out to any length.
Don't worry, no worry, about what people say.
We got ourselves, we gonna make it anyway.You, you can't hurt me, why I'm banned in D.C. D.C. D.C.
And if you ban us from your clubs, it's the right time, with the right mind.
And if you think we really care, then you won't find in my mind.Noooo!
You can't afford, to close your doors, so soon no more.My oh my i lay you down upon the ground so soon no more.
Nooo you can't afford to close your doors so soon no more.My oh my i let you down upon the grounddddddd

awake, shake dreams from your hair my pretty child, my sweet one...

2008-04-28T12:09:00.000-07:00

Raymond "Ramon" Richard Ramirez, age 30, was born on 01/03/1978 in Phoenix AZ. He was called by God on 03/12/2008. To his relatives he was "Ramoncito"; to his friends he was "Little Ray". To us he was special and he was loved so much. Ray grew up in Winslow, AZ; he graduated high school in 1996. He was known for his curious mind, his computer/business skills, and for his love of the outdoors. Ray was a shining star and touched many hearts and souls because of a caring and compassionate personality and was a loyal friend to those closest to him. A huge gap is left in our lives without our loving son, brother, and father. He is survived by the love, joy, and pride of his life, Dylan Ray Ramirez, his mother, Shawn; father Raymond "Ramon" Ramirez of Peoria. His sister, Rebecca Kirker and brother-in-law, Naro Kirker, and niece, Julianna "Jules" of Peoria, AZ. He is also survived by many uncles, aunts, nephews, nieces and many many close friends. Funeral Mass and services were held at St. Joseph's Church in Winslow, AZ followed by burial services at the Winslow Desert View Cemetery on March 17, 2008.

rays ma just put this on azcentral.com. thought i would share it........

binge drinking and cathartic punk rock

2008-04-28T10:11:00.001-07:00

hahahhahah oh man, this is so hilarious. i havent had a good anonymous internet argument in a long time...its hilarious.... what makes it more so is the fact that she has come BACK to my ramblings...clearly they are more interesting than she first thought! hahahahahhaaaaa.....just so you know, brooke, i do, in fact think every boy in the world was or is in love with me...i mean, that is clear in my writing. how did you not pick up on that? hahahahaaaaa...you need a lesson in comprehension. perhaps when you get into high school they will offer a course on it.

my kid could have easily been in that car. now, i understand that that is a selfish thing to say, but then again---its not. its me counting my 'blessings'(?). i am so unbelievably thankful that they are all alright. its scary to think about little people being that hurt. those poor babies...they will be freaked out for a while over this but they are, after all, OK. everyone is going to make a full recovery and evan will have a couple of scars that will definately get him some chicks later in life. hahaha. seriously, i dont believe in god, i dont believe in a 'higher power' or anything like that, but right now, i am grateful(as ray would say) to the universe for letting them live.

But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all

2008-04-25T15:52:00.000-07:00

i do it, for sure. always cruising other blogs... i mean, thats kinda what we do, right? what i dont understand is leaving comments on them. no, no i get that leaving comments and visiting blogs is part of this whole thing, but im getting at the leaving of negative, not at all helpful comments on blogs that you have no vested interest in. case in point---read my last blog...then read the comments. brooke, who ever you are...please continue to read my ramblings, its just a waste of your own time, dont bother me none....course, i dont understand why you would being that you dont know me or have any idea what im talking about...but thats fine, whatever....if youre going to leave comments though, why not enable your profile to be read? its only fair right? that i would be able to read and make snide remarks on your stuff too? turn about is fair play or so ive heard. maybe you stumbled upon my crap, or maybe you are someone i know and hate(there are plenty)and youre too cowardly to let yourself be known due to the fact that i have a habit of being pretty mean to ppl....whatever. i dont care....i think youll get plenty bored soon enough.

ah ok, my moment of confusion, zen is over.....moving on.............

i figured out the other night, that i do in fact, miss ray. of course you are thinking how could i not miss him? but its not like that, i miss him in like a bunch of ways. yeah, he's dead. im still not ok with that....im still not really accepting it as reality, sadly enough...and that is most definately not lending itself to my healing...ah well(lame, right brooke?) but more than that, i miss him being in my life. he was always good to me, he never flaked on me, he never raised a hand to me, he wanted to love me and do right by me. he fucking went to rehab for me....come on...mostly for his son, and his daughter but for me too, he told me he wanted to be someone in my life that i was number one to. because ive never had that. im trying to be that for myself but fuck, that gets old. hahaha, in more ways than one...but ray definately loved me...i was looking through a bunch of letters/memories from the entire time i knew him and man...we did this thing for 16 years. thats a long damned time, eh? i never loved mikey. no, thats not true. i loved him, but i was never in love with him...and when we split....i realized that being 'in love' with the dude youre with is HUGE. you can care about someone and have love for them, and respect etc...but if youre not in love w/ them, it is sort of hampering to the relationship. the more i ramble, and the more i think about this, the more i realize that he never was in love with me either....random fact for ya---mikey was always talking about the movie PCU...i had seen it a couple of times before, but it didnt make a huge impression...i digress....and now i understand why---the womynist chick with the ugly hair and bad piercings looks JUST LIKE MERIDITH. years before he even met her he was obsessed with girls that look like her...gross is all i can say to that...but then, he went on to be into chicks that definately were not ME....and i dont even care anymore. im getting it everyday...understanding that we were sooooooooo not meant to be together....oh my god.how the fuck do i always end up on this subject when i start out somewhere else? i was talking about ray....and how much i loved him from the moment i saw him. but now im done w/that. moving on.

THIS SECTION HAS BEEN REMOVED DUE TO WHINING AND TATTLE-TELLING. THANK YOU, DRIVE THROUGH

i love cameron though...i miss him so much that it hurts me to think about. did i talk yesterday about how i think it may have been bambino this entire time? weird how things just creep into your skull...anyway, back to cam..it goes hand in hand with how much i miss grant and kerri too. i was surrounded so much by ppl i loved that got me through the day, that this last year in the forest of hell has been really hard....oh well, again-im getting there. cameron will be here june 13-23. im not even sure how much i'll see him while he's here, cause of the kid situation but we'll find a way to get things done...we always do. i was supposed to be in new orleans w/ ziede and co that week but i havent seen cameron in 2 years, so im putting off the N.O. trip. maybe indefinately because i dont see the arab rescheduling for my punk ass.

hmmm,what else? suppose thats it for the day...guess it wouldnt be complete unless i threw in a little ben gibbardness though, eh?

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?..

My memory cannot recall... a wave of alcohol we shared a cigarette and shaved the hours off.

2008-04-24T15:40:00.000-07:00

yeah, dude its totally over. havent said a word to or seen hide nor hair of big mike for a week. and part of me is completely and totally ok with it. course the other part is breaking down into bits again.....but i think the the ok with it part is winning. it was fun while it lasted. we had a whirlwind of insanity thats for sure and i was so thankful for it when it came into my life. i needed it more than i needed anything else right now. and now its over. i moved, left the man that was dragging me down into the depths, got a great new job and met amazing friends, left my friends and miss them awfully, bought a car, lost a bunch of weight, started feeling like my life is in fact that MY life, had a restraining order slapped on me, buried the only man i have ever been in love with, spent too much time drinking that memory away, lost my license due to unpaid court costs(yeah, i STILL dont understand that one, but im working on it)had surgery to remove parts of me that dont work right, thought i was knocked up, wished my ex husband dead, and now its thursday.....amidst all of that, mike came into my life. so you can see that it was exactly what i needed....he was wonderful. so fun, so free, sex was great,he was actually proud to have me around his friends and family, said all of the right things, did all of the right things when it was important.....and now its gone. the reason i think im ok with it all though is because FUCK after all of the bullshit that ive been through with guys, with my health, with everyone i know dropping dead, this is nothing...in fact, its probably helped me because now i know that it is possible for me to move forward in my 'love life(whatever that means)' and that maybe, just maybe im not completely unloveable.
I cannot pretend that I felt any regret

Cause each broken heart will eventually mend

As the blood runs red down the needle and thread

Someday you will be loved

what is and what should never be

2008-04-07T17:02:00.001-07:00

hmmm, well not that any of you fags really read this, and not that it matters...but its venting time once again....

sometimes in life, adult issues arise. you know, like divorce, taxes, death, pregnancy, car payments...etc....and in these times, most ppl revert back to being 13. not because they are un intelligent, or immature, really...but because they are frightened and it is a defense mechanism. and believe me I know defense mechanics....mine are usually 1.puke 2.worry till i cant sleep more than 10 minutes at a time 3.break stuff 4.drunk 5. fucking DEAL WITH IT!!! most times in that order, but you know, things happen..cogs are thrown in wheels etc...but the bottom line, it always ends in me dealing with whatever is at hand. the new boy told me today that he worries about me being ok....are you kidding me? it was a reminder that he does not yet know the lu within and may never...things have been going so great...ive been falling head over heels crazy backward goofy for this boy and then---------scccccccccreeeeeeeech......like bad breaks on a 'runaway truck ramp' on i-40. leads me to believe that its me, not him...blah blah blah same as i always do...but then i realize that nah, fuck that...its him. i have been very adult and chill with this entire situation (obviously leaving out a HUGE part of this story if you couldnt tell, grant) and he has dropped the ball repeatedly...is it his age? he is a bit younger...but age is nothing but a number when you have life experiences that make you older than your years....he's been married, he has a kid, he knows what i deal with on a daily basis as far as baby mama(daddy)drama..so thats not it...he's been in and out of various drug related situations like i have so its not like he can pull the 'youre an addict' card on me....he grew up with crazy tweeker alcoholics like i did so its not that he doesnt understand my family issues.....so what the fuck is it? takes me back to the defense mechanism theory...he wants to pretend that he is 13 so that none of this is real and or actually happening. he told me the other night that he doesnt want to get attached to me, then he rode his bicycle over and passed out in my bed just so he could 'be near me.' contradicting? yes. so sweet it makes me want to puke? yes. so amazingly wonderful? yes....accepted by MY defense mechanics? nope. so now what? we're at a definate turning point in our 'relationship(whatever that means).' and it can go either way from here. we could stop seeing each other and just go back to running around in circles looking for someone to pass the time with...or we could realize that everything happens for a reason and move on together for an extended amount of time(?). im so confused like usual and rambling MORE than usual...but this has been helpful...just being able to put it out somewhere instead of just in my head is good...i think....fuck maybe not....i think im tripping on this so much because i could see myself loving this boy and that scares the shit out of me. every man ive ever loved is dead now...whether physically or emotionally...they are all dead. not to say there has been a LOT...but of the 3 men i have said 'i love you' to, 2 are in their graves and one is burning in his own private hell of lesbians and chlamydia. now ive got the new one....and i dont want to kill him, so i will never tell him that i love him...no matter what happens....even if i do get LULU drunk...fuck...im out.

my anger wheel

2008-04-02T13:54:00.000-07:00

is spinning out of control this week....not going to cry about it, im going to get drunk about it...course thats not at all the answer either, ive just completely had it. my ex husband is a fucking cock sucking piece of shit...i told him the other day that i wished it was him that died and not ray...i also told him that i never loved him, i just loved the idea of him. meaning the idea that i deserved to be loved and i thought he was my only chance at it. im not so convinced of that any more which is good...i def needed a kick in the ass on that subject...and ive gotten it, so we're good there....

You'll be loved you'll be loved Like you never have known
The memories of me Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved*

work is great, couldnt have hand picked a better group of folks to grind with...except maybe the amazing people i left at the edge. im not sure you all really understand how important each and everyone of you has been to me throughout the years. i was a radio rookie with no sense of self and absolutely no want to leave the market and grow wings due to my suffocating relationship, so it was nice to know that i had an escape from my home in the edge.

I just heard the world, is breaking down into bits again.Tell me what am i to do?
And you just want me to stay, here.So i'm just gonna stay, here.
Home, the last resort.Build a castle with an iron door
Lock the window, pull the shades, the hazed out sun won't help anyway.**

yeah so not really knowing why im going off like this...perhaps its the copious amounts of caffeine ive ingested today or is it the fact that even though im so very mad and so very stressin.....i can(for once) look around and see the GOOD things that i do have and it puts a,albeit small, smile on my face. dont worry, ive had my oil can handy so i wont rust.....

*someday you will be loved DCFC Plans
**i just heard the world OAR Stories of a Stranger

bike gang

2008-03-27T10:30:00.000-07:00

i live in a place that is very very bike friendly. in fact, so bike friendly that my drunken music junkie friends and i have started a bike gang. no, totally dude, its all hard core. last year when i wrecked my vw, i bought a bike, a bad ass schwinn cruiser...is that how you spell schwinn? whatev...and this year because its so fucking beautiful out here, the rest of the kids are on board too... we've decided that all those fags in spandex w/ water bottles and helmets are going DOWN! im gettin a basket, that we can fill w/ water balloons...expect full on boyz in da hood drive bys...shit part of it is, we dont know what to name it...'i think you should name it sean'

im so good at this, like totally dude

2008-03-26T15:33:00.000-07:00

doing this mostly because i really do want to get the music blog started w/ g and the boys...i miss shugg's amazing reviews of indie rock. hahahah. also, i suppose it wouldnt be a bad thing to get some of my insanity out of my head and onto the screen. for all of you to read and disect. good luck with the disection part...its nearly impossible. for those of you who give a shit, i met someone! hahaha, yeah, i know. its insane. his name is mike and he's pretty friggin great. you will be happy to know that he took me on a real big kid date---though it DID include a ska show, some heavy duty skanking and a whole lot of harp on tap.....come on, you didnt think id lose myself completely did you? nah, seriously, hes cool shit...remember my last relationship and how i was totally in zombie mode due to the fact that my ex husband had me living HIS life and not mine? yeah, you may have read about it on myspizzle....whatever...im not even sure why im writing about this when i should be writing about other, more important things...like the wonderful plethora of natural herbage in the mountains. have you ever had any that tasted like mango? how about blueberry? its pretty great. and even though id much rather drink my meals and my sorrows away, having good smoke is quite helpful for my severe insomnia caused undoubtedly by drinking my meals and sorrows away. speaking of sorrows, for all of you reading this, i really hope you dont die. i know that sounds odd, i know that makes you cringe for sure, but just know that in my little lulu land, i need to put that out there...not because i'll miss you fags, but because im shit fucking full of getting memorial tattoos.

that is all.