Through those dusty clouds

oh goody goody gumdrops.........Morrison? ah come on, anyone could do better coming up with a clever internet identity that would grab my attention and actually hold it.....

lets explore a couple of things----his comment said 'is anyone still reading this?'

well, um, i am still reading it. and afterall, that is what it is intended for.

next-------why, if it bothers you so much what i do and do not write about, or that you are not entertained by it, why do YOU read it? and more so, why are you compelled to comment?

im just completely and totally amused by it, to tell you the truth. i get a good laugh each and every time i see a new comment from someone i dont know........so rock out, morrison! loves it!!


meanwhile, its super cold here, but not snowing yet......and im super ok with that, i hate snow, as i have written about before....though part of me would like to just get it over with so that come summer its not still on the ground, know what i mean?

i am still looking for a real job....its not easy at all, and i feel a bit defeated, as rob would say, due to the fact that i know i am talented and marketable yet i have been asking questions like 'red or green sauce?' as of late...its not easy to take orders from a 20year old tweeker who has no concept of what a career is, she works a job...and thats fine, for HER. not so much for me....rob reminds me often that my pride gets in the way, and he's totally right...it does, but fuck man, yours would too...the other day a couple came in and i waited on them and introduced myself and they KNEW who i was, and so began the diatribe on why im not being heard in their offices anymore.......then, they tipped me 2 bucks. ha! little ray wouldve said something like 'aint life grand' to a situation like this, because he understood and practiced the art of gratitude and knew things happen for a reason....i know i know, hippie fucking bullshit, but when youre in the weeds, its a helpful mantra that can/has/will keep one going...anyway its better than rocking the whole 'god doesnt give us anything we cant handle' angle........cause, well, im still not there, but i do have faith that i will be alright, mostly because for the first time in my life, i have a true support system in rob AND because im always ok, im a fucking fighter, dude.......ha

joy world entertainment company at flag brew tonight........dude, morrison, you should come check it out, yo......



Watching people roll by
Wonder where they're going
Hey, what's your job?
What're you knowing?


Driving to the grocery store
Pull my money out
Passing by the liquor store
Throw my money down


Ain't life grand
Ain't life grand


My wife's got the blues
Now I've got them
Gonna bring her a kiss
Make those blues run


Ain't life grand
Ain't life grand


The sun came out the other day
Through those dusty clouds
And in my mind I was a child
And it felt good!


Ain't life grand
Ain't life grand
Ain't life grand
Ain't life grand

Yea the futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.

Shit!
Nothing makes sense, so I won't think about it.
I'll go with the ignorance.
Eat, sleep, fuck and flee; in four words, that's me.
I am full of indifference.

What do the old people teach us but how to die (die) die (die) and what do those hissy fits teach you except how to cry, pussy, cry?
Yea the futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.
Futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.
Futile, the futile, the futile so (the futile, the futile)

Taste. I have no taste.
I don't like these tiny portions or your artful abortions of sound,
sealed with a kiss, slathered in the sauce sarcastic.
So go choke on your irony.

What do the old people teach us but how to die (die) die (die)
and what do your hissy fits teach you except how to cry, pussy, cry?
Yea the futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.
Futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.
Futile, the futile, the futile so

I'm eating rat poison for dinner.
Pull the cord from the phone.
I am dining alone, Tonight, rat poison for dinner.
pull the cord from the phone.
I am dining alone. So goodnight.
Love!
I shall not love, yet I'll still sing about it.
I hope it covers the ocean in slime, the drama and drool.
I'm leaking the blood of a fool. (I'm full of it, I'm full of it, I'm full.)
Rat poison for dinner, pull the cord from the phone.
I am dining alone.
Tonight.
Rat poison for dinner, pull the cord from the phone.
I am dining alone. Tonight.
Oh I am dining alone. Tonight. Tonight. Tonight.


♥ i got nothing but say anything song lyrics today. i may not make it through.............

There is an Ocean in my soul where the waters do not curve.

i dont even really know where to begin..........monday they laid me off of my job. everything has been going so well, my ratings are through the roof, vibe in the office was good, rob and the worm have been getting along, my mom has been off my back, im in a real grown up relationship....in fact the EXACT one i asked for not long ago..........and then BAM! im jobless.....i havent been jobless since i was 15 yrs old!!! the search is not going entirely well, either....ive had to resort to checking out jobs that are not in my field, that are not mentally, spiritually, or creatively challenging...and that scares me. im so fucking manic depressive (it IS impressive) that its not hard for me to slip right back into angry lu, or worse, into i dont give a fuck lu....im so so so very thankful for that which i DO have....and i guess part of me knows im going to be ok...i mean, the world, the universe, the lord, whatever you want to call it, has thrown shit at me since birth, and fuck if i havent made it through....but, and im sure im just not asking the right way, but i would like to have a run of good....without the fuck you at the end...know what i mean? by the way, i efron hate snow and i woke up to a shit ton of it this morning....i gotta get to the beach man...and i mean that very literally, and i mean it metaphorically as well....when i get to the beach in my head, i will be a happy, happy girl.......


namaste ♥


If I could have chosen where God would hide his heaven,
I would wish for it to be in the salt and swell of the ocean.
Carried by the currents to all continents' shores.
Reaching into depths where the sun’s light has never shown.
Mixed with algae and coral.
Breathed in by sharks and dolphins.
Sailed by tanker ships, private yachts, swam in by tourists.
Working its way up through inlets, lakes, and rivers, swamps, and estuaries.
Down through limestone into the aquifer.
Purified by the county, pumped through pipes and out faucets.
Filled into a glass to meet the thirst of our children.
If I could have chosen, I would have been born a woman.
My mother once told me she would have named me Laura.
I would grow up to be strong and beautiful like her.
One day I’d find an honest man to make my husband.
We would have two children, build our home on the Gulf of Mexico.
Our family would spend hot summer days at the beach together.
The sun would kiss our skin as we played in the sand and water.
We would know we loved each other without having to say it.
At night we would sleep with the windows of our house left open.
Letting the cool ocean air soothe the sunburned shoulders of our children.
There is an Ocean in my soul where the waters do not curve.

Act your age, mama (Not your shoe size)

yes, i know, two posts in one day is a little nerdy, but fuck it.....

1. i am thankful that i am alive
2.i am thankful that my baby is alive
3. i am thankful that she is strong
4. i am thankful that she is so smart
5.i am thankful that we have a home
6. i am thankful that we have food to eat
7. i am thankful for my family
8. i am thankful for my friends
9. i am thankful for the opportunity to feel
10. i am thankful to wake up in a good mood
11. i am thankful for sleep
12. i am thankful for amazing sex
13. i am thankful that i have decided to trust
14. i am thankful that even with out the blessings of our friends, it would still happen
15. i am thankful for the blessings of our friends
16. i am thankful for my sore shoulder
17. i am thankful for the use of my hands
18. i am thankful for the lessons i learned today
19. i am thankful for warm showers
20. i am thankful for the ability to think
21. i am thankful that the cold has subsided, albeit briefly
22. i am thankful for a man who reads the newspaper at breakfast
23. i am thankful that he respects me enough to discuss it with me
24. i am thankful for my child more than i am thankful for air and water
25. i am thankful for air
26. i am thankful for water
27. i am thankful for the feeling of safety
28. i am thankful that my friends dont give up on me
29. i am thankful for men who cook
30. i am thankful for laughter
31. i am thankful for caffeine
32. i am thankful that i can feel his heatbeating too fast when he's next to me
33. i am thankful for bad movies
34. i am thankful for my childs want to succeed
35. i am thankful for her desire to be amazing
36. i am thankful SO thankful to her for saving my life
37. i am thankful to johnny hulsey, for being someone to me
38.i am thankful for new phones
39. i am thankful for muppety pink boots
40.i am thankful that my legs work
41. i am thankful that i was taught to be grateful
42. i am thankful for punk rock
43. i am thankful for straight up emo, and im not even afraid to say it :)
44.i am thankful for baby sitters
45. i am thankful for allergy medication
46. i am thankful that my knee hurts
47. i am thankful that my knee reminds me that i am alive
48. i am thankful for good books
49. i am thankful for the ability to read
50. i am thankful for perspective
51. i am thankful that he loves me for me
52. i am thankful for men who do laundry
53. i am thankful for old friends
54. i am thankful for new friends
55. i am thankful for tim
56. i am thankful that my child is seen as polite by other mothers
57. i am thankful that she has the ability to be thankful, sincerely
58. i am thankful for the look on her face when she is given even the smallest of gifts
59. i am thankful for being comfortable
60. i am thankful for whispering
61. i am thankful for the opportunity to breathe easily
62. i am thankful for being able to heal
63. i am thankful that prince can make my day better automatically...
64. i am thankful for being here now
65. i am thankful that bunny loves halloween like i do
66. i am thankful for corrective lenses
67. i am thankful for half cabs
68. i am thankful for warmth
69. i am thankful that i can feel my heart beat
70. i am thankful for little things
71. i am thankful for chapstick
72. i am thankful for my little sister
73. i am thankful for rain kissed leaves perfume
74. i am thankful for cigarettes
75. i am thankful for his hands
76. i am thankful that i do not have a headache
77. i am thankful that i DO have muppet hair
78. i am thankful for psychic connection
79. i am thankful for the past
80. i am thankful for the future
81. i am most thankful for the present
82. i am thankful that when i call, he answers
83. i am thankful that when he says he'll call, he does
84. i am thankful for freedom of choice
85. i am thankful for making the decision NOT to go to SLC
86. i am thankful for being given the opportunity TO go to slc
87. i am thankful for grant ruby
88. i am thankful for the talent i possess in my career
89. i am thankful that that talent will take me where i am supposed to be
90. i am thankful for the ability to see what slc would be for me, and for my baby
91. i am thankful for fate
92. i am thankful that fate has smiled upon me recently
93. i am thankful for being able to make a grocery list on line
94. i am thankful for things that save me time
95. i am thankful that i gave up baseball for linedancing
96. i am thankful for having good judgement
97. i am thankful for the people i have surrounded myself with at this point in my life
98. i am thankful for oversized hoodies
99. i am thankful for the knowledge and wisdom i have gained over the course of my life.
100. i am thankful, so thankful for robert aaron czaplicki....he makes my heart smile.


because prince owns......................
You don't have to be beautiful
to turn me on
I just need your body baby
From dusk till dawn
You don't need experience
To turn me out
You just leave it all up to me
I'm gonna show you what it's all about

You don't have to be rich
To be my girl
You don't have to be cool
To rule my world
Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your

Kiss

You got to not talk dirty, baby
If you wanna impress me
You can't be to flirty, mama
I know how to undress me (Yeah)
I want to be your fantasy
Maybe you could be mine
You just leave it all up to me
We could have a good time

You don't have to be rich
To be my girl
You don't have to be cool
To rule my world
Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your

Kiss

Yes
I think I wanna dance
Gotta, Gotta
Little girl Wendy's parade
Gotta, gotta, gotta

Women not girls rule my world
I said they rule my world
Act your age, mama (Not your shoe size)
Not your shoe size
Maybe we could do the twirl
You don't have to watch Dynasty
To have an attitude
You just leave it all up to me
My love will be your food
Yeah

You don't have to be rich
To be my girl
You don't have to be cool
To rule my world
Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your
Kiss

We could spend a lifetime waiting here

im scared to fucking death right now......its been entirely too long since my heart even existed, much less was put up for execution....i have these necklaces, you know---hearts, one that my gma gave me and one that i got from my sis...hearts....i wear them both ALL the time, they dont come off....because i was so convinced that i didnt have one, i thought if i wore it around my neck, that was good enough....robotics.....i talk about being a robot, a lot......because honestly, in order to keep myself sane through my marriage and through all of the hell that ive put myself through, and in order to be a mother to my child, i shut off. completely. completely. it took me 3 days to shed even one tear when ray died, and even then i couldnt muster tears, i felt numb more than anything....it wasnt until we buried him and i had to finally say goodbye that i was able to cry...it lasted about 5 minutes and it was over. this is the man that fathered my child and that i loved my ENTIRE lifetime. and i couldnt feel feelings for his loss....when my marriage ended, i felt nothing....but not even just the sad things have been foreign to me...its been very hard for me since i can remember to process and accept good things as well. i have spent a great deal of my lifetime pushing things out of my head, not feeling anything...for my own good....ive tried so hard to 'be here now' for so many years and truthfully, it has only begun working in the last year or so.....its been super hard, dont get me wrong, but its been worth it...to constantly remind myself to just BE. HERE. NOW. most times i have to breathe and say it out loud, sometimes its automatic ..being with robert is the most automatic ive ever experienced....because i dont want to be anywhere else. my mind does not wander to things i could or should be doing instead of just being with him.....i know how weird this is going to sound, but i have to put it out there, its so easy with him that its almost like we've been doing this thing for years.....its comfortable, its warm, and its real... and it scares me to death.now that im feeling feelings....any feelings, but especially these sort.....there is no turning back....if my heart breaks again, it will be the last time, i will not be able to find enough strength to ever want to care again. i know myself well enough for that...and while i feel like its putting a lot of pressure on roberts shoulders, my heart in his hands, i think he can handle it, and im pretty sure he's willing to accept the challenge.......


'...i dont like that car full of people just sitting there with their lights off like that, if this were the city, man or if it was 10 years ago, id fuckin roll up on those fools yo....wow, is that orion?'


Wake up it's time
We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind
I need to know I need to know tonight

Sweet and divine
Razor of mine
Sweet and divine
Razorblade shine

Patience my dear
We could spend a lifetime waiting here
Maybe this time
I hope I get the chance to say goodbye

Sweet and divine
Razor of mine
Sweet and divine
Razorblade shine

Day after day
Cutting away
Day after day
But anyway

Wake up it's time
We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind
I need to know I need to know tonight

Sweet and divine

But I waited my whole life for just one.....

Chaos is the complexity of causality or the relationship between events. This means that any 'seemingly' insignificant event in the universe has the potential to trigger a chain reaction that will change the whole system. A well known saying in connection with this issue is "A butterfly flapping its wings in one part of the world can cause a hurricane on the other side of the earth." This is also known as the "butterfly effect"





maybe SLC for thanksgiving? i dont know, i really dont do holidays,and given the choice between sitting between my bros fighting and listening to me ma list all of the ways ive disappointed her over the years, and inflating my little brothers ego even more, and then getting too drunk and fighting w/ chris and wanting to leave ASAP, and missing ray because of memories of thxgivings past--and going to hang out w/ g and watch football and eat pie...this chick's choosing the latter...si? si. i dont know, i may not be able to afford it, and therefore be stuck doing the stupid dance w/ my mother...devin's not even coming!!! nah, forget it, if im not going to SLC, im going to cook at home...rumor has it, a man i know has some ninja skills in the kitchen...NINJA. super ninja if you were to ask him...speaking of ninja skills, this man has my senses on alert...ALL of my senses....its pretty much one of the scariest feelings ive ever had, and pretty much one of the best...i have worked very very hard this last year on getting my head together, and for the most part, ive done well...ppl around me notice.....whatever....ive learned lessons, ive satisfied parts of myself that honestly, i didnt know existed (read: big mike, washo) and i have been completely and utterly content with my life...its a struggle, dont get me wrong...raising a kid in this hella expensive city by myself----its rough. but spiritually, and mentally, and for that matter, physically i have felt better this year than ever....my ulcer hasnt flared in like 7 months....for me thats fuckin huge....havent had a migraine in over a year......i still dont sleep well, but im waiting on the cure for insomnia(robert, buy his hype, its good) to be bottled...and sleep HAS gotten better....anyway im rambling, i was trying to make the point that with a lot of work sometimes comes great reward....most of the time, it comes with just harder work and you have to search in the pile of service and meditation to find the reward but this time, i think it just fell right into my lap...i have to believe that i deserve this....i know how selfish that sounds, believe me....but im ok with it....i AM worth someones respect. i AM worth not being kept in a box (man, i think id marry mikey all over again.....puke.) i AM worth being happy....sincerely, contently, happy...robert is doing that for me. i dont need him in my life...i dont NEED anything, or anyone...but i can fully say (and mean it with all of me) that i WANT him in my life and i have the power to make that decision...do you know how enormous that is in lu land??? he makes me feel safe and honored and EQUAL. ive never ever ever had that. looking back at my gushings over washo, im a bit embarrassed...i took whatever it was that we had and blew it so far out of proportion that it never even had the opportunity to BE anything...does that make sense? i like josh, dont get me wrong, i think he's a really good kid...he has a good heart and will one day be a very decent man. and i think the old lu, the one who still comes out of the shadows every once in a while;like a fucking relapse, really just needed something from him...validation? probably. a cute boy to make out with while delphi was gone for the summer and i had too much time on my hands? definately. i have been locked into relationships my entire life...i needed to go forth and conquer....besides that, i have a soft spot for the innocent ones in my heart....maybe i thought i could corrupt him, or maybe i thought he could clean me up a bit...either way, i shouldve been completely aware of the ridiculosity of it....i am now.....hindsight is 20/20. and as ive said before, im thankful GRATEFUL for the lessons i learned in that time....besides, how could i recognize what i have with robert as being so good, without having seen so much of the bad? see what i mean? perspective changes everything....anyway, he's good.smiling for me is not the usual....well, at least it wasnt before i bailed on phx....but its at an all time extreme right now...my cheeks hurt from smiling...and i think thats good....no? yeah. totally. there is something just very very different about this man........i guess that in itself is one major difference, he is a grown ass man..not a boy who is emotionally fif-fucking-teen, or an adult who has the capacity of a 19 year old....nope, he's fully grown....and i LOVE that about him...its really good for me, remember a couple of blogs ago?? when i wrote about mike carroll? its called 'punk rock girl lets go slamdance.' um, i put it out there, and now here he is...not mike carroll exactly, but better....better because he is reality....i mentioned in that blog that im tired of 'dating' boys and that i really just want a real grown man who is super punk rock but very zen at the same time....well motherfuck.....maybe next i'll write about how i could use 3 million bucks.......

Day after day
I will walk and I will play
But the day after today
I will stop
And I will start my way
Why cant I get just one kiss
Why cant I get just one kiss
Believe me thered be somethings that I wouldnt miss
But I look at your pants and I need I need a kiss
Why cant I get just one screw
Why cant I get just one screw
Believe me I know what to do
But something wont let me make love to you
Why cant I get just one fuck
Why cant I get just one fuck
I guess its something to do with luck
But I waited my whole life for just one
Day after ay
I get angry
And I will say
That the day
Is in my sight
When Ill take a bow
And say goodnight

Sometimes the songs that we hear are just songs of our own

dang, im on a roll! hahaha, ive actually put SOMETHING down, be it odd or disjointed or completely lame, much more often lately. thats good. 9 times out of 10 i really have nothing to write about, but i have this overwhelming desire to keep my carple tunnel(?) in action, so i continue typing...i still keep a notebook though. you know how funny it is to look back at some of my notebooks over the years? hi-larious! mostly because they are a bevy of unfinished thoughts, lists of nothing, doodles and scribbles, and a lot of letters. a LOT of letters. all of them unsent. i wonder what would happen if i went through say, the last 2 years ONLY the last 2 years of notebooks and sent out all the letters ive written? "Never reaching the end,letters I've written,Never meaning to send." i think it would be hysterical. some of you would get the strangest ramblings....for example, i know of AT LEAST 2 letters ive written to grant. one about me being sad that he was moving to slc but totally happy for him at the same time, and one that i apparently wrote while high on something addressed to jesus....its a long story but at one point i was determined to find the address to heaven and i asked grant, who didnt know either but made for some hilarious conversations..........there are letters upon letters upon letters to mike lander....some never finished...MOST never finished....some about the fact that if i didnt leave at that exact moment, i was going to become the person i tried to hard not to be in my youth...some about how that decision was the wrong one, some about forgiving him for all of his infidelities, and some about forgiving myself for putting up with said affairs......plenty and i do mean PLENTY of lists of gratitude....some stuff for the worm.....and this is just the passed 2 years....i cant imagine going back further....why do i keep this stuff? if im not going to send these letters, and im not going to publish any of the crackpot, bipolar craziness scribbled in the margins, why do i hang on to them? do i garner some odd pleasure from knowing they are there? do i attatch to things like one of those old ladies who has too many cats for the simple sake of proving my existence, or that i ONCE did exist? who knows??? i know that code keeps all of his video game football stats in notebooks...thats odd....but what makes it any more strange than my ridiculous ramblings shoved inside a giant tupperware box? to him im sure its the same thing...parts of himself, parts of his disorders that MUST be documented!!! for one reason or another though, i think we all have a bit of pack rat in us....the question remains however; why? id like to do some sort of psychological study on the nature of it all...i mean, why do some of us harbor EVERYTHING and some of us are able to get rid of things much much much more easily and quickly? this is from wikipedia----- It is not clear whether compulsive hoarding is a condition in itself, or simply a symptom of other related conditions. Several studies have reported a correlation between hoarding and the presence and/or severity of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Hoarding behaviour is also related to obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD). Hoarding rubbish may be referred to as syllogomania or disposophobia.-------is keeping notebooks of thoughts really compulsive hoarding though? i mean, i dont keep other things, really...well, not to the same extreme....i may have a touch of this though---Bibliomania is an obsessive-compulsive disorder involving the collecting or hoarding of books to the point where social relations or health are damaged. One of several psychological disorders associated with books, bibliomania is characterized by the collecting of books which have no use to the collector nor any great intrinsic value to a genuine book collector. The purchase of multiple copies of the same book and edition and the accumulation of books beyond possible capacity of use or enjoyment are frequent symptoms of bibliomania.--------hahaah, but that is a subject for another blog....im going to go right now and send some letters.....watch your mailbox.

♥

eyes of the world---the grateful dead (this song has been in my head all day)

Right outside this lazy summer home
You aint got time to call your soul a critic no.
Right outside the lazy gate of winters summer home,
Wondrin where the nut-thatch winters,
Wings a mile long just carried the bird away.

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world,
The heart has its beaches, its homeland and thoughts of its own.
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the mornin brings,
But the heart has its seasons, its evenins and songs of its own.

There comes a redeemer, and he slowly too fades away,
And there follows his wagon behind him thats loaded with clay.
And the seeds that were silent all burst into bloom, and decay,
And night comes so quiet, its close on the heels of the day.

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world,
The heart has its beaches, its homeland and thoughts of its own.
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the mornin brings,
But the heart has its seasons, its evenins and songs of its own.

Sometimes we live no particular way but our own,
And sometimes we visit your country and live in your home,
Sometimes we ride on your horses, sometimes we walk alone,
Sometimes the songs that we hear are just songs of our own.

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world,
The heart has its beaches, its homeland and thoughts of its own.
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the mornin brings,
But the heart has its seasons, its evenins and songs of its own.