Just close your eyes and ignore the dark that troubles you most

how do i put a link in here? http://www.gorsky.razorcake.org/ yeah!!! im smarterest now!!! that link is there for you to follow, jerks. look up Sean Carswell....first and foremost, i havent been into an american author since my obsession w/ kerouac took hold......lately been reading a lot of limeys and micks....and well, by heritage, carswell is a mick, but he is american. lived in flagstaff for a lot of years, as a matter of fact. in the winter, i went to a bukowski fest w/ some friends of mine at one of our favorite bars. some guy did a reading from a book called "Barney's Crew" and it was friggin awesome, dude...hilarious and thought provoking and well, just plain cool. but i just went about gettin' drunk and didnt remember the author....ah well...last weekend, the news girl here(who is awesome btw) kicked me down a ticket to the book festival...since i was already half in the can and just right across the street from the theatre, i went....besides i was talked into it by cody who reassured me that there would, in fact, be PBR and vodka at the theatre, so its not like we had to sit through poetry readings sober......anyway--------took our seats and there was a lady reading from her book of mommy poetry..and she was good, for sure...but not really my speed...again, not really into american authors OR poets...especially when its all crying, sentimental, mommy shit...i just dont have that gene, or chromosome, or give a fuck, or something....she wasnt terrible though, thats not what im saying, just not my taste....ok, ok...so the MC gets up and intros the next dude and says 'the author of "Barney's Crew"....just put out a new book called "Train Wreck Girl"(which i had JUST read about like the day before, and put on my list of summer reads)...Sean Carswell' well hell, looks like we're stayin now, eh???? the dude was bad ass...funny funny funny but also made me cry(i know, right???!) and think. he was reading from the new book...and its all about him breaking up w/ his girlfriend and then she dies....and then about how life just keeps going whether you want it to or not...close to home......but funny as shit! i just ordered ALL of his books from gorsky(thats the link), which is his pub house, for 4 bucks a piece. unfortunately his debut "Drinks for the Little Guy" was sold out and "Train Wreck Girl" wasnt available....but im ok with that. i'll get them eventually...i mean, my birthday IS coming up, and i DID give you the link and tell you that the books are only 4 bucks! hahahahha...hahahh.


oh, and i suppose it wouldnt be zombie times at lulu high if i didnt throw in some sadness/madness, right?

thanks so much for the email - everything that happened just seems so
wrong. I start crying just trying to write to you.It actually gets
kind of harder as the shock wears offI. In his stuff was a letter from you to him, written way back in high school or Jr. High. If you want it I
can mail it to you. Funny how he had saved it so long. You were alway
so special to him - he just wasn't well. I gotta go, can't be crying at
work. I'll be away from my computer till next Tuesday. Hugs, Shawn

an email i got from Ray's ma today in regards to one i wrote to her. mine just said that i wanted her to call me if she needed anything, etc....and that if she wants to see the worm to let me know...so many letters from/to him that i could compile them and write a book....maybe....

So try to sleep with a smile
I promise ill wait a while
To make sure that you moved on
You won’t be lost
I will always hold your hand
Ill never let you fall

Cause nothing Nothing else matters at all
If you’re scared just think of me
‘Cause you know ill never let you be
Anywhere but with me

My fiction beats the hell out of my truth

FINALLY-----mitch came in today and signed his contracts which means we go live on monday....its only been since freakin NOVEMBER we started talking about this....better late than never i suppose. ooooh, syncronicity is on this song is awesome...you should check out OYSTER HEAD they dont make music any more but they were a one off, a colab between trey,les, and copeland from the police---how bad ass is that? yeah, pretty good, pretty good. bummed i missed prince, that is for sheeze. but, and i have to agree w/ g here, he will tour this summer/ fall and i will see him...damn it, i WILL see prince. though my love for him is by some considered posing(because he came out before i was born), i still loves me the purple one. coachella sort of came and went, didnt it? since the lineup announcement i had the poster as my wallpaper at work...then as time went on, and the lineup changed to include his purpleness, i realized that i wasnt going to be able to attend....and my heart broke....i think i figured it out when i found out i was going to have to have my insides scraped out...couldnt afford the surgery AND the trek to the desert...and to top it off, everyone sort of stopped talking about it. i was sort of waiting for grant and the redhead to hype it up and get me all pumped and saying 'fuck it' to my car payment so i could afford it...but alas, that never happened. however, the lollapalooza lineup came out a couple weeks ago---and well, fuck....id much rather attend that. especially if i were able to wrangle media creds for it...hahahaha. yeah good luck w/ that...never know, stranger things have happened, eh? the idea of wilco on stage makes my loins tingle...hahahah but the lineup, seriously is ridiculous. radiohead, ratm, wilco(as mentioned) NIN, kayne, raconteurs, holy shit fuck...did that say dirks bentley? hahahah odd....and yet....not. cure in slc soon, dcfc not long after my bday in phx....wanted to see joe cocker this year(how cool would that be?) but its the same day as pat and bunny's wedding..so no go..speaking of which, i need a date to that, know anyone? heres my criteria(clearly based on my 'record') 1)must NOT have a job 2)must either sell drugs or have an addiction that will eventually kill you 3)must be the cheating type, esp with my friends 4)must not only be afraid of commitment but also afraid to TELL me youre afraid of commitment......k, that should do...maybe one of you could hook me up w/ your felon brother? or shit, your addict father? hahahahahaha...oh lord...here comes that black cloud of gloom again...better kiss the bottle....
It gets lonliest at night Down at the liquor store
Beneath the neon sky Our moonlight Six a.m. the floor comes alive with lice
The pan's dried up so tight
With hardened beans We're hungry
So I lean on you sometimes Just to see you're still there
Your feet can't take the weight of one Much less two
We hit concrete How were we born into this mess?
I know I painted you a prettier picture, baby
But we were run out on a rail Fell from the wagon to the night train
I kissed the bottle I should've been kissing you
You wake up to an empty night
With tears for two
Cigarettes they fill the gaps In our empty days
In our broken teeth We're jonesing
Say mister, can you spare a dime? Some change could make a change
Could buy some time Some freedom
Or an ear to hear my story
It's all I've got
My fiction beats the hell out of my truth
A palm upturned burnt blue
Don't call it sunburn
You've been shaking on the job
Just one drink ahead of your past
There's a white light coming up
You draw the blinds hoping it'll pass
I kissed the bottle I should've been kissin you
You wake up to an empty night With tears for two

smells like teen spirit

thought i would let you know why i am REMOVING my blogs that are offensive to ppl---------because my PD has been alerted to my dislike toward one of my co workers, and well, according to those involved, that is not conducive to a healthy work environment. this saddens me as i have never or plan in the future to back down from a statement that ihave made. i stick to my guns is what im saying, and i do not back track and pretend that i didnt say what was said....however, im taking it down. i dont want any more tears from people who are supposed to be a)adult and b)oh wait, still ADULT. oh well, if you want to play jr high and tattle, then so be it. i hope you are preying for my return to 'pleasantville' and you sleep well. ♥

I'm banned in D.C.

and so it continues....my blog has become the most popular site on the web!! hahahaha, apparently there are ppl in the slows selling me out to my co workers.....this my friends, is awesome. for a couple of reasons---how did this 'listener' find my page? why was he interested in reading it? why did he think it needed to alert mike to it? hahahahaha oh man oh man. gotta say, i feel flattered that so many people are so up my ass that they pass the blog between them...it was/ is inteded for myself to keep my thoughts straight, to vent, to deal. it is actually, my right. michael knight and i have established our relationship...he knows and has always known how i feel about being talked down to, belittled because im a female, a YOUNG female at that. he knows that i do not deal well with being told how to live my life...especially by someone who has repeatedly and admittedly made more horrible mistakes than i. i welcome advice, mostly if it is solicited but this guy likes to let me know just how to go about things...because i am young and female. since that last blog was written, he did apologize for his behaviour....and i accepted, because (unlike brookey likes to believe) i do not harbor anger toward those who dont deserve it.i honestly think that he is trying to re evaluate how he treats ppl around here and that is good. do i have to like everyone? nope. do i have to try and pretend? nope. thats just not who i am...gotta say again though, just how AMAZING this whole thing is. suppose im more popular than i thought i was. hahahhahaaahahhahah. so for those of you lurking my blog....judas, michael knight(no its not his real name, grant) and brookey----keep at it...you'll learn things about me that maybe you didnt want to know before...maybe you will figure out that i am a real person with real feelings and emotions and a pretty skewed view on things. doesnt mean im not great at my job, and it doesnt mean i am bitter, or walking around in a cloud of doom...it simply means i am realer than a tater peeler...deal with it, or shove off, eh? happy reading, and please, continue to comment and to send links to others...all it does for me is get me more readers!! hahaha, its brilliant, when you think about it...when i was blogging on myspiz....well everyone read it, didnt they??! it was a very popular place to be....then the comment wars started, i stayed away from it because, well, it was silly...all i did was write about what was going on, and you all just followed suit and went off on each other...i really think i should write a book---thats what jenny says, cause just THINK of the sales!! if you fuckers are bored enough to search the net for MY useless, addict fueled, heartless, insane ramblings, then you would surely buy the book!!! hhahhhhahaha, i love it....really i really do...in fact, check out my other blog(with friends) called WHEN MIDGETS ATTACK. its a music blog about shows and albums and bands and what not...its not, i'll admit, as entertaining as you seem to think my stuff is...but its up there...these guys definately know music and im sure you can find things to comment about...maybe you dont like LUCERO,and you need to make sure everyone knows it---well we'd love to hear all about it...and again, link it to all your world of war craft buddies. it will help to enrich the lives of all those you love and care about....oh man.....fuck off. and buy a bad brains record...before they went all sissy political that is...

Banned in D.C. with a thousand more places to go.
Gonna swim across the Atlantic, cause that's the only place I can go.
You, you can't hurt me, me I'm banned in D.C. D.C.
We, we got ourselves, gonna sing it, gonna love it, gonna work it out to any length.
Don't worry, no worry, about what people say.
We got ourselves, we gonna make it anyway.You, you can't hurt me, why I'm banned in D.C. D.C. D.C.
And if you ban us from your clubs, it's the right time, with the right mind.
And if you think we really care, then you won't find in my mind.Noooo!
You can't afford, to close your doors, so soon no more.My oh my i lay you down upon the ground so soon no more.
Nooo you can't afford to close your doors so soon no more.My oh my i let you down upon the grounddddddd

awake, shake dreams from your hair my pretty child, my sweet one...

Raymond "Ramon" Richard Ramirez, age 30, was born on 01/03/1978 in Phoenix AZ. He was called by God on 03/12/2008. To his relatives he was "Ramoncito"; to his friends he was "Little Ray". To us he was special and he was loved so much. Ray grew up in Winslow, AZ; he graduated high school in 1996. He was known for his curious mind, his computer/business skills, and for his love of the outdoors. Ray was a shining star and touched many hearts and souls because of a caring and compassionate personality and was a loyal friend to those closest to him. A huge gap is left in our lives without our loving son, brother, and father. He is survived by the love, joy, and pride of his life, Dylan Ray Ramirez, his mother, Shawn; father Raymond "Ramon" Ramirez of Peoria. His sister, Rebecca Kirker and brother-in-law, Naro Kirker, and niece, Julianna "Jules" of Peoria, AZ. He is also survived by many uncles, aunts, nephews, nieces and many many close friends. Funeral Mass and services were held at St. Joseph's Church in Winslow, AZ followed by burial services at the Winslow Desert View Cemetery on March 17, 2008.





rays ma just put this on azcentral.com. thought i would share it........

binge drinking and cathartic punk rock

hahahhahah oh man, this is so hilarious. i havent had a good anonymous internet argument in a long time...its hilarious.... what makes it more so is the fact that she has come BACK to my ramblings...clearly they are more interesting than she first thought! hahahahahhaaaaa.....just so you know, brooke, i do, in fact think every boy in the world was or is in love with me...i mean, that is clear in my writing. how did you not pick up on that? hahahahaaaaa...you need a lesson in comprehension. perhaps when you get into high school they will offer a course on it.


my kid could have easily been in that car. now, i understand that that is a selfish thing to say, but then again---its not. its me counting my 'blessings'(?). i am so unbelievably thankful that they are all alright. its scary to think about little people being that hurt. those poor babies...they will be freaked out for a while over this but they are, after all, OK. everyone is going to make a full recovery and evan will have a couple of scars that will definately get him some chicks later in life. hahaha. seriously, i dont believe in god, i dont believe in a 'higher power' or anything like that, but right now, i am grateful(as ray would say) to the universe for letting them live.

But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all

i do it, for sure. always cruising other blogs... i mean, thats kinda what we do, right? what i dont understand is leaving comments on them. no, no i get that leaving comments and visiting blogs is part of this whole thing, but im getting at the leaving of negative, not at all helpful comments on blogs that you have no vested interest in. case in point---read my last blog...then read the comments. brooke, who ever you are...please continue to read my ramblings, its just a waste of your own time, dont bother me none....course, i dont understand why you would being that you dont know me or have any idea what im talking about...but thats fine, whatever....if youre going to leave comments though, why not enable your profile to be read? its only fair right? that i would be able to read and make snide remarks on your stuff too? turn about is fair play or so ive heard. maybe you stumbled upon my crap, or maybe you are someone i know and hate(there are plenty)and youre too cowardly to let yourself be known due to the fact that i have a habit of being pretty mean to ppl....whatever. i dont care....i think youll get plenty bored soon enough.

ah ok, my moment of confusion, zen is over.....moving on.............

i figured out the other night, that i do in fact, miss ray. of course you are thinking how could i not miss him? but its not like that, i miss him in like a bunch of ways. yeah, he's dead. im still not ok with that....im still not really accepting it as reality, sadly enough...and that is most definately not lending itself to my healing...ah well(lame, right brooke?) but more than that, i miss him being in my life. he was always good to me, he never flaked on me, he never raised a hand to me, he wanted to love me and do right by me. he fucking went to rehab for me....come on...mostly for his son, and his daughter but for me too, he told me he wanted to be someone in my life that i was number one to. because ive never had that. im trying to be that for myself but fuck, that gets old. hahaha, in more ways than one...but ray definately loved me...i was looking through a bunch of letters/memories from the entire time i knew him and man...we did this thing for 16 years. thats a long damned time, eh? i never loved mikey. no, thats not true. i loved him, but i was never in love with him...and when we split....i realized that being 'in love' with the dude youre with is HUGE. you can care about someone and have love for them, and respect etc...but if youre not in love w/ them, it is sort of hampering to the relationship. the more i ramble, and the more i think about this, the more i realize that he never was in love with me either....random fact for ya---mikey was always talking about the movie PCU...i had seen it a couple of times before, but it didnt make a huge impression...i digress....and now i understand why---the womynist chick with the ugly hair and bad piercings looks JUST LIKE MERIDITH. years before he even met her he was obsessed with girls that look like her...gross is all i can say to that...but then, he went on to be into chicks that definately were not ME....and i dont even care anymore. im getting it everyday...understanding that we were sooooooooo not meant to be together....oh my god.how the fuck do i always end up on this subject when i start out somewhere else? i was talking about ray....and how much i loved him from the moment i saw him. but now im done w/that. moving on.

THIS SECTION HAS BEEN REMOVED DUE TO WHINING AND TATTLE-TELLING. THANK YOU, DRIVE THROUGH

i love cameron though...i miss him so much that it hurts me to think about. did i talk yesterday about how i think it may have been bambino this entire time? weird how things just creep into your skull...anyway, back to cam..it goes hand in hand with how much i miss grant and kerri too. i was surrounded so much by ppl i loved that got me through the day, that this last year in the forest of hell has been really hard....oh well, again-im getting there. cameron will be here june 13-23. im not even sure how much i'll see him while he's here, cause of the kid situation but we'll find a way to get things done...we always do. i was supposed to be in new orleans w/ ziede and co that week but i havent seen cameron in 2 years, so im putting off the N.O. trip. maybe indefinately because i dont see the arab rescheduling for my punk ass.

hmmm,what else? suppose thats it for the day...guess it wouldnt be complete unless i threw in a little ben gibbardness though, eh?

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?..

My memory cannot recall... a wave of alcohol we shared a cigarette and shaved the hours off.

yeah, dude its totally over. havent said a word to or seen hide nor hair of big mike for a week. and part of me is completely and totally ok with it. course the other part is breaking down into bits again.....but i think the the ok with it part is winning. it was fun while it lasted. we had a whirlwind of insanity thats for sure and i was so thankful for it when it came into my life. i needed it more than i needed anything else right now. and now its over. i moved, left the man that was dragging me down into the depths, got a great new job and met amazing friends, left my friends and miss them awfully, bought a car, lost a bunch of weight, started feeling like my life is in fact that MY life, had a restraining order slapped on me, buried the only man i have ever been in love with, spent too much time drinking that memory away, lost my license due to unpaid court costs(yeah, i STILL dont understand that one, but im working on it)had surgery to remove parts of me that dont work right, thought i was knocked up, wished my ex husband dead, and now its thursday.....amidst all of that, mike came into my life. so you can see that it was exactly what i needed....he was wonderful. so fun, so free, sex was great,he was actually proud to have me around his friends and family, said all of the right things, did all of the right things when it was important.....and now its gone. the reason i think im ok with it all though is because FUCK after all of the bullshit that ive been through with guys, with my health, with everyone i know dropping dead, this is nothing...in fact, its probably helped me because now i know that it is possible for me to move forward in my 'love life(whatever that means)' and that maybe, just maybe im not completely unloveable.
I cannot pretend that I felt any regret

Cause each broken heart will eventually mend

As the blood runs red down the needle and thread

Someday you will be loved

what is and what should never be

hmmm, well not that any of you fags really read this, and not that it matters...but its venting time once again....

sometimes in life, adult issues arise. you know, like divorce, taxes, death, pregnancy, car payments...etc....and in these times, most ppl revert back to being 13. not because they are un intelligent, or immature, really...but because they are frightened and it is a defense mechanism. and believe me I know defense mechanics....mine are usually 1.puke 2.worry till i cant sleep more than 10 minutes at a time 3.break stuff 4.drunk 5. fucking DEAL WITH IT!!! most times in that order, but you know, things happen..cogs are thrown in wheels etc...but the bottom line, it always ends in me dealing with whatever is at hand. the new boy told me today that he worries about me being ok....are you kidding me? it was a reminder that he does not yet know the lu within and may never...things have been going so great...ive been falling head over heels crazy backward goofy for this boy and then---------scccccccccreeeeeeeech......like bad breaks on a 'runaway truck ramp' on i-40. leads me to believe that its me, not him...blah blah blah same as i always do...but then i realize that nah, fuck that...its him. i have been very adult and chill with this entire situation (obviously leaving out a HUGE part of this story if you couldnt tell, grant) and he has dropped the ball repeatedly...is it his age? he is a bit younger...but age is nothing but a number when you have life experiences that make you older than your years....he's been married, he has a kid, he knows what i deal with on a daily basis as far as baby mama(daddy)drama..so thats not it...he's been in and out of various drug related situations like i have so its not like he can pull the 'youre an addict' card on me....he grew up with crazy tweeker alcoholics like i did so its not that he doesnt understand my family issues.....so what the fuck is it? takes me back to the defense mechanism theory...he wants to pretend that he is 13 so that none of this is real and or actually happening. he told me the other night that he doesnt want to get attached to me, then he rode his bicycle over and passed out in my bed just so he could 'be near me.' contradicting? yes. so sweet it makes me want to puke? yes. so amazingly wonderful? yes....accepted by MY defense mechanics? nope. so now what? we're at a definate turning point in our 'relationship(whatever that means).' and it can go either way from here. we could stop seeing each other and just go back to running around in circles looking for someone to pass the time with...or we could realize that everything happens for a reason and move on together for an extended amount of time(?). im so confused like usual and rambling MORE than usual...but this has been helpful...just being able to put it out somewhere instead of just in my head is good...i think....fuck maybe not....i think im tripping on this so much because i could see myself loving this boy and that scares the shit out of me. every man ive ever loved is dead now...whether physically or emotionally...they are all dead. not to say there has been a LOT...but of the 3 men i have said 'i love you' to, 2 are in their graves and one is burning in his own private hell of lesbians and chlamydia. now ive got the new one....and i dont want to kill him, so i will never tell him that i love him...no matter what happens....even if i do get LULU drunk...fuck...im out.

my anger wheel

is spinning out of control this week....not going to cry about it, im going to get drunk about it...course thats not at all the answer either, ive just completely had it. my ex husband is a fucking cock sucking piece of shit...i told him the other day that i wished it was him that died and not ray...i also told him that i never loved him, i just loved the idea of him. meaning the idea that i deserved to be loved and i thought he was my only chance at it. im not so convinced of that any more which is good...i def needed a kick in the ass on that subject...and ive gotten it, so we're good there....


You'll be loved you'll be loved Like you never have known
The memories of me Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved*

work is great, couldnt have hand picked a better group of folks to grind with...except maybe the amazing people i left at the edge. im not sure you all really understand how important each and everyone of you has been to me throughout the years. i was a radio rookie with no sense of self and absolutely no want to leave the market and grow wings due to my suffocating relationship, so it was nice to know that i had an escape from my home in the edge.

I just heard the world, is breaking down into bits again.Tell me what am i to do?
And you just want me to stay, here.So i'm just gonna stay, here.
Home, the last resort.Build a castle with an iron door
Lock the window, pull the shades, the hazed out sun won't help anyway.**

yeah so not really knowing why im going off like this...perhaps its the copious amounts of caffeine ive ingested today or is it the fact that even though im so very mad and so very stressin.....i can(for once) look around and see the GOOD things that i do have and it puts a,albeit small, smile on my face. dont worry, ive had my oil can handy so i wont rust.....


*someday you will be loved DCFC Plans
**i just heard the world OAR Stories of a Stranger