I drink you as I swim

please look at your calendars....please tell me that it is, in fact May 23, and i have not gone off the deep end, or somehow time traveled unwittingly....

big mike finally said words to me last night.....he said that i was the one who freaked out and went'crazy' so thats why he choses to ignore me.....wow, i thought I was the delusional one..whatev...

i really dont have a lot to bitch about or write about today....just the weather. my knee is killing me because of the cold and wet, but i straightened my hair last night so the irish fro isnt too out of control...i did however say to weather jesus this morning, and i quote, " weather jesus, why doth thou hate me??" to which, he said nothing. g says jesus hates me because i think there are more than one of him....bah is how i respond to that....radio jesus was on his game today though, great show, fun show, lots of calls.....code thinks joni followed him home not long ago....hahahahaha. wow, insanity is rampant in this mountain town, eh? next weekend going to the mogollon music fest.....bittersweet....ray had been talking about putting together a fest in the pines for a while, then he decided to die....so sally jo put it together and its going to be huge....3days, like 40 bands or some ridiculous shit like that...brews, crews and all, cant wait...im takin the sister, we're camping, its going to be fuckin great...hahaha.....i guess im emceeing it, but according to my orange haired 'sef sally, i am not required to stay sober...which is good, cause, well, i cant really see that happening, lets be completely honest...im supposed to be in SLC right now, w/ g and the redhead, going to see one of my favorite bands of all time.....like top 3 seriously....but im a fucking broke dick mother fucker so im taking a remote tomorrow instead...its like, spend a shit ton on a flight etc....or make a few hundred xtra playing radio----yeah, unfortunately its the latter...soon though, very very soon, i will be trecking to the land of mormons and 3.2 beer....sad day....what jesus thought up putting the cure and dcfc back to back in a month that i cant afford it??? i'll tell ya what jesus...the sucky one...grrr. anger wheel...i ordered all those sean carswell books a while back....ive read most of them already....he's fucking brilliant. still cant wait to get train wreck girl, though...maybe this weekend. new cans this weekend too....im gonna find me some fuckin pink ones....yeah thats right, pink. how punk is that?

High up on this mountain

The whole world looks so small

And all the rivers

Run away

Slipping in your deep green heart

I drink you as I swim

And I'm sliding

And I'm sliding with you

Slide beneath my skin

Sleek and deep

And salty sweet

You open up in me

Just like the snow in summer

High up on this mountain

The whole world looks so small

And all the rivers

Run away

Slipping in your soft white heart

I drink you as I swim

And I'm falling

And I'm falling with you

Fall beneath my skin

Sleek and deep

And salty sweet

You come

And close in me

Just like the snow in summer

Just like the snow in summer

As it melts

Into the sea

snow in summer -the cure

Lost in a Roman wilderness of pain And all the children are insane All the children are insane Waiting for the summer rain

why wont my phone get texts? and if my phone doesnt get text, how do i communicate with the outside world? lost in a roman, wilderness of pain........

i went to visit rays gravesite on sunday. it was depressing and weird....not only because thats how i have to 'visit' him now, but because the grass still hasnt grown in, and there was just a lonely prayer candle and a dead flower at the site, still no headstone.....it was just sad to see. his parents and sister are far away, they cant take care of it, and his family that IS left in the slow are just too old and/or detached to do anything about it....so, i went by on my way to get the worm from my sister, left a note. had a smoke and left. a couple of hours later, i thought 'fuck it, im going back' went to the store to get some flowers to leave....but as i had the flowers in my hand i decided that soon they would be dead and just as depressing as what was currently there....so i looked around the store and found some tea light holders that were shaped like mushrooms! i know, how perfect, right? so i bought a few of them and some candles, and went back out this time, the worm decided to come with me....i pull up and see a familiar truck---the only other vehicle in the cemetary....it just so happens to be neil....rays best friend from elementary school. the other guy in the picture of ray and i at homecoming when i was 15...the guy who called me and told me ray was dead on march 12. hadnt seen him in years, and there he was, at the same time i was...neither of us live in that town, neither of us had any reason(really) to stop there that day, and i certainly had no reason to go back as i had been there just a few hours before....neil talked to my kid and it choked him up...to see her and to know him, well, its kind of hard not to draw conclusions.....i stopped talking to neil around 1996...after ray left for nau and his many adventures abroad, i tried to keep close with neil, it was rays bff after all...right? but one night, i know it was winter, it was cold as fuck and i was wearing overalls and my docs w/ ray's rasta hat, i remember the weirdest details-----i went out w/ neil and his then girlfriend, tara...she ended up ruining my boy jeremy's life, but thats a story for another time...anyway, i was sitting shotgun in neils truck(the same one that was in the cemetary yesterday) and tara was upset about something, she was ALWAYS upset about something, and wanted to go home. i was out of it, probably coke being that i was w/ neil, maybe hallucinagens....(yet i remember what shoes i was wearing?) either way, i had had it w/ her bitching and said to neil that i thought he should just take her home, we could go smoke a joint w/ barney with out her...its not like she was going to partake anyway....i stared out the window and played with my bracelet as they fought.it was a heavy bracelet, or at least it was that night, which is why i thought it coulda been acid, or mushrooms....it was a chain of pure silver with a really cool clasp on it, it was a skull head that went into a helmet of some sort so when it was closed it just looked like the skull was wearing the helmet...it was dope. ray had gotten it for me for HIS graduation a couple of months before.....they yelled at each other for what seems like 16 hours, but since we were in the slow, and its only 6 miles from end to end, im sure it was only a few minutes. we stopped at a stop light and he yelled at her to get out of the truck...which meant i had to get out too...we were right near ians place so i figured id jump out, let her out and then just walk to ians. fuck neil and his stupid girlfriend, they were killing my buzz....i get out, standing in the middle of the street, she gets out...HE gets out...he's supposed to be driving, remember? light turns green,there we all are, standing in traffic....i walk out into the other lane, i was done with this night, i was determined to get hit by a car,mostly so i could go home or at least go chill out w/ ian and jay and smoke....no cars come, its winslow after all, and at like 3am on a tuesday or whatever the fuck day it was, not even the cops are out.....they stand in the middle of the street and yell and scream...yeah!! i decide im going to start walking to ians...i KNOW he has dope....just then, i turn around and see neil SLAP THE FUCKING SHIT out of this little 90 lb junkie girl who had been crying all night.......i took off, thats the last time i spoke a word to neil. until march 12.

Yeah, c'mon

When the music's over When the music's over, yeah

When the music's over

Turn out the lights

Turn out the lights

Turn out the lights, yeah

When the music's over

When the music's over

When the music's over

Turn out the lights

Turn out the lights

Turn out the lights

For the music is your special friend

Dance on fire as it intends

Music is your only friend Until the end

Until the end

Until the end

Cancel my subscription to the Resurrection

Send my credentials to the House of Detention

I got some friends inside

The face in the mirror won't stop

The girl in the window won't drop

A feast of friends "Alive!" she cried

Waitin' for me Outside!

Before I sink

Into the big sleep

I want to hear

I want to hear The scream of the butterfly

Come back, baby Back into my arms

We're gettin' tired of hangin' around

Waitin' around with our heads to the ground

I hear a very gentle sound

Very near yet

very far

Very soft, yeah,

very clear

Come today, come today

What have they done to the earth?

What have they done to our fair sister?

Ravaged and plundered and ripped her and bit her

Stuck her with knives in the side of the dawn And

tied her with fences and

dragged her down

I hear a very gentle sound

With your ear down to the ground

We want the world and we want it...

We want the world and we want it...

Now Now? Now!

Persian night, babe

See the light, babe

Save us! Jesus! Save us!

So when the music's over

When the music's over, yeah

When the music's over

Turn out the lights

Turn out the lights

Turn out the lights

Well the music is your special friend

Dance on fire as it intends

Music is your only friend

Until the end

Until the end

Until the end!

i can't eat , I can't sleep,I can't sleep, I can't dream.An aversion to light.Got a fear of the ocean

"With insomnia nothing is real. Everything is far away. Everything is like a copy of a copy of a copy. When you have insomnia you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake. Nothing is real. "

-i am jacks movie quote

is there a point where sleep becomes pointLESS? i mean, youve found this out after drinking till 6am having to get up and go to work at some point the next day....do you just stay awake? or do you force yourself to close your eyes and replay the days events, over and over and over again? sometimes in vivid colours, sometimes black and cold.....imagine your ENTIRE life was like this...i mean, imagine you havent been drinking with your brosefs all night, youve just been doing regular everyday things....working, taking care of the little people, catching a pick up game, doing some running, then painting, a bit of tele perhaps.....regular stuff....and sleep is still so fleeting...then you get up the next day, drink entirely too much caffeine just to get you through your air shift/life.....and the cycle begins again. my insomnia is going to cost me my job if i cant get it under control...in what NORMAL universe is 9am too early to be at work? apparently zombielu land.....im not zombielu cause im the undead....well....im a zombie because thats how i feel all day, every day....functioning instead of living....cant finish sentences, forget what i went down the cereal aisle for(there are 300 kinds of cereal in the cabinet, why another?), rewrite rewrite things ive already written, say things ive already said.....if i take 'sleep aids' i will sleep but i will not wake up....on occassion, i have taken either my anti nausea stuff (knocks me out) or tylenol 3 to try to speed up the falling asleep part....these are not heavy narcotics so i DO wake up.....at about 430am....mind awake, body feeling like a sack of leaden marshmallows.....if i take the prescribed shittttte my dr gave me, i will sleep for 48 hours straight...not condusive to having a job and/or a child....i need to investigate the exact cause of this....i have been finding little things every now and then that could be the culprit.....maybe a combonation....is that how you spell that? oh yeah, spelling and grammar skills go right out the window along with hand eye coordination and appetite......mmmmm, insomnia....anyway, im not stressing to terribly lately, i eat well, excersise, do all the fucking shit they say to do, drink disgusting tea, take long hot, lavendar baths like im 65 years old.....and nothing works....i can fall asleep....not too difficult to GET to sleep eventually, but i can never stay asleep....once i get up the first time (usually around 330), i cant get back into real sleep and im up again in an hour.....which is why i ask, at what point do i just get up and tweeker clean my house or read war and peace? kinda tired of being tired.....my body is breaking down because of it, my ears hurt, my back hurts, my head hurts...because i cant sleep, when i do catch a couple of hours (or one,whatev) my dreams are so intense that its almost taking away from the quality of zzzz im getting....the other night i had a dream that my mother was a serial killer and my little brother and i had to shoot her to get her to stop killing...it was nutty. i dream about little ray a lot....usually it starts out with a memory, then progresses to a wild ass dream which will never come true...i dont know, mybea his parents being in contact is lending to my not sleeping? nah, i dont think so, they are really good people who just need to reach out to someone who is hurting too, i think? fuck i really dont know....

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground

Try this trick and spin it, yeah

Your head will collapse

But there's nothing in it

And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind?

Way out in the water

See it swimmin'

I was swimmin' in the Caribbean

Animals were hiding behind the rocks

Except the little fish

But they told me, he swears

Tryin' to talk to me, coy koi.

And she was lying in the grass

weekends are made for shlitz....i dont know what that means. friday night, i saw big mike out....for the first time since he started ignoring me....and it was strange. i was surprisingly calm about it, though...at first, i just saw him standing there with his boys, then he disappeared for a bit....we went inside to grab a pint and he was back...this time with a pocket sized blonde in his clutches...he had to have known i was standing right there....leads to the question----why do i keep meeting children? by that i mean, the guys im meeting and have always met, have a mental/emotional/social age of about 16. how do i get away from this? what do i need to do to meet someone NORMAL????? now, dont get me wrong, i love my life....im enjoying living by myself for the first time ever, and i love that i dont have to pick up after or cook for a demanding, suffocating boy anymore.....but come on, im human too and i wouldnt mind making out with a hot guy every once in a while....hahaha. anyway, ray always said 'you bring about what you think about' so maybe im just putting it out into the universe the wrong way....fuck i dont know. i miss him....he was perpetually 16 too, but he at the very least knew that and was trying to remedy it..........grrrrrrrrrr.

lando:ARE YOU AWARE THAT AT FRAT PARTIES, 1 OUT OF EVERY 4 BROS IS A VICTIM OF BRO RAPE AND OF THOSE, ONLY 1 OUT OF 7 WILL TELL THEIR BOYS ABOUT IT THE NEXT DAY?


i love my life.

hey! and she was lying in the grass
And she could hear the highway breathing
And she could see a nearby factory
Shes making sure she is not dreaming
See the lights of a neighbors house
Now shes starting to rise
Take a minute to concentrate
And she opens up her eyes
The world was moving and she was right there with it (and she was)
The world was moving she was floating above it (and she was) and she was
And she was drifting through the backyard
And she was taking off her dress
And she was moving very slowly
Rising up above the earth
Moving into the universe
Drifting this way and that
Not touching ground at all
Up above the yard
She was glad about it... no doubt about it
She isnt sure where shes gone
No time to think about what to tell them
No time to think about what shes done
And she was
And she was looking at herself
And things were looking like a movie
She had a pleasant elevation
Shes moving out in all directions
Joining the world of missing persons (and she was)
Missing enough to feel alright (and she was)

I'm not a real doctor,

AGHHHHHHHHH!!

My name is Dr. Worm.
Good morning. How are you?
I'm Dr. Worm.
I'm interested in things.
I'm not a real doctor,But I am a real worm;I am an actual worm.
I live like a worm.
I like to play the drums.
I think I'm getting good,But I can handle criticism.
I'll show you what I know,
And you can tell me if you think I'm getting better on the drums.
I'll leave the front un-locked 'cause I can't
Hear the doorbell
When I get into it I can't tell if you are
Watching me twirling the stick.
When I give the signal,
my friend Rabbi Vole will pay the solo
Some day somebody else besides me will
Call me by my stage name, they will
Call me Dr Worm.
Good Morning how are you, I'm Dr Worm
I'm interested in things.
I'm not a real doctor,But I am a real worm;I am an actual worm.
I live like a worm.
I like to play the drums.
I think I'm getting good,But I can handle criticism.
I'll show you what I know,And you can tell me if you think I'm getting better on the drums.
I'm not a real doctor,But they call me Dr. Worm.

I've always been different with one foot over the line

lando: CRAZY CRAZY

lu:yes, you are. youve always been crazy but you know, its kept you from going insane?

lando:TECHNICALLY SPEAKING YOU ARE CORRECT. BUT LET ME ASK YOU THIS; HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A DRUNK BABY?

lu: only in my dreams. have you? dude, you know what? i fucking miss you like crazy

lando:I HAVENT EITHER, BUT IT'D BE TOTALLY HILARIOUS, ITS ALL LIKE OH SHIT THAT BABY'S TOO DRUNK TO TALK...OH WAIT. I MISS YOU TOO, MOST PEOPLE DONT GET ME

lu: hahahahahahahaha that baby's too drunk to talk! hahahahahahahahaaaahhhhahahaha

lando:STUPID BABIES, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

lu: i...cant...breathe...hahaha, next thing you know the drunk little thing will try to walk

lando: YEAH TOTALLY THEN IT'LL BE SO WASTED IT'LL PISS ITSELF!

lu: just got out of the shower, had a ball game tonight and beers after, getting into sleep zone and thinking about drunk babies. you?

lando:WELL AT LEAST IT ISNT RANDOMLY THROWING UP ON ITSELF...SNAP

lu: oh the humanity, almost feel sorry for it.

lando: BALL GAME? SHOWER? BEERS? WHO IS THIS, JOSE CONSECO?

lu: how did you guess??you know, i was thinking, how would you know if youve ever seen a drunk baby?

lando:USUALLY THEY TRY TO PUNCH YOU, OR BREAKDANCE

lu: is this a scientific fact, or just based on your observations of nic?

lando:CALL AL GORE, BABY, THIS SHITS AIRTIGHT!

lando: OR AT LEAST TRY TO PAGE HIM

lu:im on it. i have access to the very secret scientific fact phone. shhhh no one can know. what are you up to tonight anyway? soccer and whiskey or beers and waylon?

lando:IT'LL BE OUR SECRET, JUST LIKE THE JFK THING AND CELLPHONE SHADOW PUPPET THEATRE

lu:.hey now, you never know who is listening in. i thought we decided we wouldnt talk about cell phone shadow puppet theatre in such an open forum such as text messaging

lando: DONT WORRY, IM WEARING A TIN FOIL BERET, THEY'LL NEVER KNOW.

real conversation, with a real lando.

Possessions never meant anything to me I'm not crazy

please feel free to argue via comments on this entry...i enjoy it, it gives me something to look forward to each day...its highly entertaining and i cant wait to see who 'wins.' Brooke, i feel that you and i are probably a lot alike and you are afraid to admit it, and well, thats cool. maybe in an alternate, bizaro universe such as the right hand of the apocalyptic elvis, we will be best friends. grant, i love you more than i love my little toes....and i love how you school my bff brooke. keep it up, i beg of you...steven, my love,the spaghetti eating love of my life, you are amazing and you know it. thank you for standing up for me in this thing, whatever it is....i never felt that i needed to be stood up for, because i dont understand why ive been targeted or whatever is going on, but i do appreciate you nonetheless....keep it up, because i DO think you are clever.......


k, talk amongst yourselves. just please do me a favor and let me post/rant/complain/vent/cry about things that actually matter in my own way, without your name calling and arguing about nothing poisoning it...........get it?


♥dont know why i picked linoleum for this one, but fuck, its a good song, eh?
Possessions never meant anything to me
I'm not crazy
Well that's not true, I've got a bed, and a guitar
And a dog named Bob who pisses on my floor
That's right, I've got a floor
So what, so what, so what?
I've got pockets full of kleenex and lint and holes
Where everything important to me
Just seems to fall right down my leg
And on to the floorMy closest friend linoleum
LinoleumSupports my head, gives me something to believe
That's me on the beachside combing the sand
Metal meter in my handSporting a pocket full of change
That's me on the street with a violin under my chin
Playing with a grin, singing gibberish
That's me on the back of the bus
That's me in the cel
lThat's me inside your head
That's me inside your head
That's me inside your head

There will never be another one like you

the latest email from rays ma....dylan is rays son, he's six.


I swear, for the last month every time I turn on the radio the doors are playing - constantly. I'm sure he is sending a message that he is OK -
perfect - I just wish I could see him in the paradise where he is.
Yesterday Dylan said "If we google -what does heaven look like? - what
do think it would show" Everyone wonders and noone can know. What
is your address? I'll send the letter. Gotta go, Shawn

what do i do with this information? how do i comfort her when im a wreck myself? how do i express my condolences to a woman who has lost her son without telling her how bad im hurting as well? cant figure out the words, i just cant.

i want to be over this, im trying i will promise you that...but just when it starts to hurt a little less, i remember what i felt like the day i forgot the sound of todds voice.....it was horrible. because he was gone from my memories...i dont want that to happen with ray. did i already say how i called and called his phone right after he died just to hear his voicemail? and then one night, it was just gone.....that one hurt. i can still feel him near me, i still find little things of his all over my house....but at some point, they are just going to be things.....not HIS things....rambling, i know

there will never be, another one like you
There will never be, another one who can
Do the things you do, oh
Will you give another chance? , will you try, little try?
Please stop and you remember,We were together, anyway,
all right
And if you have a certain evenin, you could lend to me
Id give it all right back to you, a how it has to be with you
I know your moves and your mindAnd your mind
Will you stop and think and wonder?
Just what youll see
Out on the train yard
Nursin penitentiary
Its gone, I cry out long
Go head, brother
Did you stop it to consider? , how it will feel
Cold, grinded grizzly bear jaws, hot on your heels
Do you often stop and whisper?
Its saturdays shore
The whole worlds a savior
Who could ever, ever, everEver, ever, ever, ask for more?
Do you remember? Will you stop? , will you stop?
the pain
And there will never be
Another one like you
There will never beAnother one who can
Do the things you do, oh
Will you give another chance? Will you try, little try?
Please stop and you remember
We were together, anyway, all right
How you must of think and wondered
How I must feel
Out on the meadows
While you run the field
Im alone for you
And I cry
The sweat, look at it, optical promise
Heh, heh, heh, youll be dead and in hell
Before Im born, sure thing
Brides maid, the only solution
Isnt it amazing?