Lord knows Ive paid some dues gettin through

i dont understand anything anymore. just when i get a grip on things, and start figuring out that maybe i do in fact need someone in my life, or at the very least would LIKE someone in my life, something goes terribly wrong...he tried to push me away by being a total jerk the other night, and i just let him....it didnt push me away because i understand where his head is, he just needs to understand it too. then he breaks the news to me last night that he's leaving, and thats WHY he tried to make me not like him, or whatever the fuck he was trying to do......leaving, gone. outta here.....his reasoning is legit. he's going to work to make/save some money....i get that. doesnt make it easier....he'll be gone by the end of the month. more than that, his crazy ex girlfriend is 'checking up' on me. apparently she called saddy and asked him if he knew me, etc....why the fuck would this girl need to know anything about me? of course saddy said yes but that is beside the point, she has gotten into his head making him think he cant trust me, or whatever the fuck. i dont want him to leave.

Early one mornin the sun was shinin,
I was layin in bed
Wondrin if shed changed at all
If her hair was still red.
Her folks they said our lives together
Sure was gonna be rough
They never did like mamas homemade dress
Papas bankbook wasnt big enough.
And I was standin on the side of the road
Rain fallin on my shoes
Heading out for the east coast
Lord knows Ive paid some dues gettin through,
Tangled up in blue.

She was married when we first met
Soon to be divorced
I helped her out of a jam, I guess,
But I used a little too much force.
We drove that car as far as we could
Abandoned it out west
Split up on a dark sad night
Both agreeing it was best.
She turned around to look at me
As I was walkin away
I heard her say over my shoulder,
Well meet again someday on the avenue,
Tangled up in blue.

I had a job in the great north woods
Working as a cook for a spell
But I never did like it all that much
And one day the ax just fell.
So I drifted down to new orleans
Where I happened to be employed
Workin for a while on a fishin boat
Right outside of delacroix.
But all the while I was alone
The past was close behind,
I seen a lot of women
But she never escaped my mind, and I just grew
Tangled up in blue.

She was workin in a topless place
And I stopped in for a beer,
I just kept lookin at the side of her face
In the spotlight so clear.
And later on as the crowd thinned out
Is just about to do the same,
She was standing there in back of my chair
Said to me, dont I know your name?
I muttered somethin underneath my breath,
She studied the lines on my face.
I must admit I felt a little uneasy
When she bent down to tie the laces of my shoe,
Tangled up in blue.

She lit a burner on the stove and offered me a pipe
I thought youd never say hello, she said
You look like the silent type.
Then she opened up a book of poems
And handed it to me
Written by an italian poet
From the thirteenth century.
And every one of them words rang true
And glowed like burnin coal
Pourin off of every page
Like it was written in my soul from me to you,
Tangled up in blue.

I lived with them on montague street
In a basement down the stairs,
There was music in the cafes at night
And revolution in the air.
Then he started into dealing with slaves
And something inside of him died.
She had to sell everything she owned
And froze up inside.
And when finally the bottom fell out
I became withdrawn,
The only thing I knew how to do
Was to keep on keepin on like a bird that flew,
Tangled up in blue.

So now Im goin back again,
I got to get to her somehow.
All the people we used to know
Theyre an illusion to me now.
Some are mathematicians
Some are carpenters wives.
Dont know how it all got started,
I dont know what theyre doin with their lives.
But me, Im still on the road
Headin for another joint
We always did feel the same,
We just saw it from a different point of view,
Tangled up in blue.

I'm a void with empty promises that backs out late

my heart beats too fast, i lose my breath,i get shaky and dizzy ......i dont know if this is the way things go when you find someone who isnt after only one thing....and i dont know if this is the way it feels when you want to be next to someone so badly that your whole body goes quivery at the mention, or thought of his name, or voice, or eyes, or smell. i most certainly dont know if this is the normal way to feel when your phone rings and you wish with everything in you that its him, and when it is, you go numb and forget how to speak and even debate answering for fear that you will say something wrong, or you will be so giddy that you sound over eager, or desperate....i dont know if this is how it goes when he calls you in the middle of the night because he misses your face and you just curl up next to him and sleep better than you have in years, is this the way it is when he leaves and you search for any scent or remider of him because you miss him as soon as he's left the pillow next to you. i just dont understand it. therefore, im afraid of it. scared to death. i have not felt anything this overwhelmingly strong and pure since i fell in love with little ray when i was 14 years old. even with mikey, it was always kind of understood that we were together because of the baby....not that i didnt love him, but i was never overtaken by it, i never got sick to my stomach with nerves when he called, or touched my hair, or looked at me with big sad eyes. but i also know how dangerous it is to rush into anything, ESPECIALLY in a situation like this. i feel like im setting myself up for not only failure but a heartache im not sure i can handle again. not that i think im going to sabotage it, not that i think he will, but he is so amazing and beautiful that his ex is going to fight nail and tooth to get him back....he's worth it. they have a gorgeous child together, and well, that counts for something.....he loves her, or at the least HAS love for her....and i respect that, i almost wish mikey and i could get to a place like that, but it will never happen because he broke my heart into so many pieces that its been so so hard trying to glue them back together enough to be able to feel anything again....i think its the same with josh and his ex....she calls 300 times a day, and, because he's a nice guy, and because he loves his daughter, he answers, and she always trys to drag him into a long conversation about how they should be together and how sorry she is, etc....ive BEEN there, i know exactly what she's going through, and i feel for her....badly.....she fucked things up with a man who is probably her best shot at love for the rest of her life and she has finally realized it and wants him to come home. and im scared to death she's going to succeed.....dont get me wrong, i trust him. and he's told me how done with her he is, so have all of his friends etc....and he's made it clear in his actions by showing everyone in his life that he and i are...well, whatever he and i are....its not a secret that he likes me. they have all of the same friends and if he were trying to keep it from her, he would do things differently....its just that i went through this situation not more than one year ago.....here i was trying with everything in me(like his ex is) to do what i was supposed to do to get my family back together, to fix myself so that i could love him the right way.......and he was off fucking my friends and falling in love with lesbians, all the while telling me that he wanted things to be better between us........so i will give josh credit in that he does not pretend that things will get better for the two of them....but i do soooooo understand her plight....slight difference here is that mikey is a horrible person who has no one but himself in mind and i was fortunate and excited to learn this before i got back together with him...he is NOT worth it. if i had lost someone like josh....who is caring and gentle and respectful and ambitious and hot and brilliant and talented and literate.....i would be pulling my hair out trying to figure out how to make it work....id do anything in my power....and well, you know, baby mama always has some pull over daddy.....if she is as manipulative and spiteful as she seems, she will soon start to use his baby as leverage in the 'please come home campaign' and it will hurt him so badly that he will have to give in...his daughter is his life. why does all of this bother me so much? because im falling so hard for this man that i am already imagining the horrible breakup or whatever it will be called then, when he calls and says he has to go back to her, or worse, when he just quits calling at all....i cant do it again, my heart cant take it.

Unlucky seventeen, already handed plans for the future

Glamour obsessed, shown how to dress, and told how to think

And I don't have a job, but I can show you how to be a slob

So many days, wasted and glazed

Sometimes I laugh aloud as I think about,You asking me "Please can you help?"

Can't help my self

I'm not your savior, I'm not who you want me to be

A cowardly mistake I've made so many times before, refusing to break

Cut my losses ties them with you, like a good boy I'll pretend

And promise not to do it again

Do you remember when, life was so simple and permanent?

Everyone's changed, "Everyone's cool", Everyone sucks

But I can't seem to complain, Exciting and new is just not there

You're getting scared

I'm not your savior, never thought I was anyway

I'm a void with empty promises that backs out late

Never said I'd change, taking back the words that we spoke

Like a fuel tank running dry, you'll believe it when I choke

You do something to me that I can't explain.

is this possible? is it something that i am going all 'lu' on and overthinking? am i reading into it more than i should? is this actually what its supposed to feel like? the answer to all of these questions is of course...yes. new tat yesterday, then the dark knight...it was, fucking amazing....i went into it wanting to hate it because of all of the hype but man, it was great.then the boy and i went home, smoked a bowl and passed out. and it was great. no expectations, no inhibitions, no nothing, just two damaged ppl being....

To see you when I wake up

Is a gift I didn't think could be real.

To know that you feel the same as I do

Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

I ain’t afraid to let it out I’m unafraid to take that fall

i want to go back to sleep next to the boy and wear his batman shirt............

In my fantasy

I’m a pantomime

I’ll just move my hands and everyone sees what I mean

Words are too messy

And it’s way past time

To hand in my mouth

Paint my face white and try to

Reinvent the sea

One wave at a time

Speak without my voice and see the world by candlelight

I ain’t afraid to let it out I’m unafraid to take that fall

But I have found beyond all doubt

We say more by saying nothing at all

In my fantasy no such thing as time

Minutes bleed into days

Avant garde art

Show me your heresy

And I’ll show you mine

We only speak in pantomimes on this carpet ride

I ain’t afraid to let it out I’m unafraid to take that fall

But I have found beyond all doubt

We say more by saying nothing at all

In my fantasy you look good entwined

In my hair and skin and spit and sweat and spilled red wine

You’re my deep secret

I’m your pantomime

I’ll just move my hands

I promise you’ll see what I mean

that is all.

Making sure to laugh; while we experience anti-gravity

its been a minute since i blogged. dont really know why, just have had other things on my mind i suppose. man, working at 5am is for the fucking birds, literally. a couple of weeks ago, i went out w/ some friends to what is called 'ladies 80s.' its exactly what it sounds like, chicks in side pony tails. day glo stretch pants and plastic jewelry, and the douche bag boys that go along w/ this retardation. you know the ones, they just stand around afraid to dance, and watch the girls dance like they are molly ringwold in the breakfast club, or better yet, pretty in pink...they just stand there until one of the girls (or more, whatev) get hammered on $.25 well vodka or fruity rum drinks and are dumb enough to stumble back to the dorms with them.......by now you can tell why i was there, and why my stupid friends were there as well-----the dumb girls, wait, no, the 25cent drinks.....as im standing at the bar for my bazillionth time waiting for the well whiskey and flat soda, i see a boy.....he's wicked cute so i ask a friend of mine if he knows him....he does....he introduces us....i PROMPTLY forget his name before he's even done saying it....we go out onto the dance floor to stand around and watch the girls dance like aly sheedy and co and suddenly he breaks into dance.....literally, he was breakin like it was his job to run dmc(its 80s night, remember?) it was fucking great... i mean, heres a guy who looks like a total dweeb for doing this and it matters none to him, he's out to have a good time......didnt last too long, we all got too warm in the douche bag packed place and went outside for smokes.....at this point cute boy who's name i dont remember says 'lets go across the street, get out of this weird place' or some shit like that...im in. he's cute and i hate side pony tails...not to mention he and i are like the only ones not dressed like its 1985 (sidenote, an 80s night and not ONE cure song, or even tears for fears, man, this is shittastic) in fact, he and i are dressed nearly identically, baggy shorts, vans, black tshirt, wide rimmed black specs and a whiskey buzz.....so we bail, go across the street and lo and behold there is a band playing, a GOOD band, they are playing a sublime song, the bar is not too packed but not at all uncomfortably empty....the rest of the crew follows in a bit, but for a while its just me and the boy who's name i cant remember......we get closer to the stage and realize that it is not just a band it is the long beach dub allstars...featuring the bass player (cue ball) from sublime, and just playing sublime allllll night long....boy whos name escapes me and myself are dancing our fool heads off and drinking tall pbrs....he reaches back and grabs my hand out of no where, i dont protest, i may not remember his name but he is cute in a very NON tragic way.......smoke break time, i go out on my own, he doesnt smoke, which is good.....and wouldnt you know, big mike is standing outside, fucking wasted...i dont mean he had a buzz on and was slurring, i mean, wasted like his eyes were closed and if he didnt lay down soon he was going to fall...he came over and put his arm around me 'whats up girl?' he smelled bad, he looked worse, he was a mess...'whos that dude you been dancing with all night?' i just looked at him, and got over him right then and there, i mean over over....he's a drunk and a complete joke, what did i see in him at all? gross.as im staring at him thinking this, boy whos name is lost in my head comes outside and introduces himself to big mike...i hear 'hey man, im jaosdighoodhgo' seriously, my brain just will not allow me to commit this kids name to memory.....this gives mike some sort of reason to get pissy and walk away...good riddance. i go back inside w/ skater boy....suddenly a girl appears from no where and runs up to him....she is beautiful and seems to be very sweet and down to earth....sara is her name....i tell her she has beautiful eyes and walk away.....boy stays with her. no big deal, i mean i dont even know his name.....ten minutes later, he's gone and the prof and i walk to mias.......a week or so later, i go to see billy bob thorton at the orpheum w/ some friends, we get hammered.....they want to go back to someones place to drink more etc....but im over it, i just want to go home....so i drop off cody and bail.....driving home, i start thinking, you know what, maybe i'll stop in at mias for some whiskey before i hit the sack.....and i do. i drink my drink on the patio by myself cause there is NO ONE at the bar that night, its kinda nice cause its a bit rainy and cool, perfect end to a weird night......i go inside to cash out my tab and who should be standing there but boy who's name doesnt exist......looking super cute in his redfield tshirt, yeah you heard right, his REDFIELD tshirt....if you dont know the significance of that, well then never you mind.... he calls me over, says hi and reintroduces me to sara...the girl w/ the pretty eyeballs....i say hi and tell him that i was just leaving and he offers to buy me a drink because its our mutual friend jimmy's bday and well, he wanted to talk about authority zero w/ me...um, ok. so i hang out, he pays almost no attention to sara...talking to me the whole time, when its time to leave, she walks off w/ jimmy and he asks if id like to go hang out w/ him at the 'after party' i say no, cause its tuesday night and go home.......the next day i answer my request line '939 the mountain' voice on the other end says'lauralee i have a bone to pick with you....it seems that you dont remember my name' im like huh? cause i deal w/ whackos all day on this station so i have NO clue who it would be....i tell him this....he says 'its josh, we hung out last night at mias...etc...' my heart does a flip....he asks me to dinner, but i have to work, then he gives me his number and says to call him if i change my mind...he doesnt ask for mine, ball is in my court so to speak.....i go to bunny's for a beer and dinner that evening and dont call him.....i ask everyone i know if i should call him, and its mixed...some say that i HAVE to, some say no....i wait, he calls me. how did he get my number????!? he called about 10 ppl to track it down....that is persistant. he says 'lets go see guttermouth' um, ok......he calls back in 10 minutes, saying he was at the venue and there were only about 10 14yr olds there, and it wasnt worth the 20bucks to see guttermouth in a shit venue so why dont we meet at mias instead? i say no, bunny yells at me, i call back with an ok....im nervous like a 12 year old when i walk in there, its chilly but im sweating, i spot him on the patio....he looks just as nervous...we sit in one spot all night talking and hardly drinking at all, beers are getting warm because we wont shut up and drink....i see that he has amazing eyeballs, we talk about our kids, our jobs, music, movies....i tell him that my asshole sister is getting ready to go to the midnight opening of dark knight, he almost cries....opening his hoodie i see that he is wearing a brinniwear tshirt...again, if you dont understand this, dont worry...it means more to me than to you.....he notices the rise against lyrics written on my shoes.......he almost cries......we leave the bar, i give him a hug and he says 'why dont you come by my house?' i give in.....its somewhat early and ive had a really good time w/him so far....its close, why not? we get to his amazing house and i am pissy because he has 6 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms an amazing kitchen(which is key, he's a chef) and a huge backyard...the front yard consists of nothing but wildflowers in every color and shape....he pays 300 dollars a month. i hate him for this and i tell him so.....i rifle through his record collection----actual vinyl, im falling in love....bowie, zep, RANCID, op ivy, misfits, beastie boys....wait what the fuck? limp bizkit????? im leaving. he says its one of those things he just acquired, i understand, i have things like ann murray on vinyl...he is forgiven when he says 'want to light them on fire?' thats it, its official, he's amazing....we go out into his yard, throw some zippo fluid all over fred durst's masterpiece and whooooooosh!blue flames, lets play frisbee w/ this....this guy is awesome.....we sit on a batman blanket and look at the stars and talk some more, its now a million oclock...he asks if he can kiss me....i dont say no.......i get dizzy when this happens so i tell him its time for me to leave.....not dizzy cause i dont feel well, but dizzy cause i am so engrossed in this kiss that i forget to breathe.....i leave.....im home in 2 seconds and my phone is ringing, 'you should come back and watch the goonies w/ me' i say ok.....i put my pjs on and go back....we watch the goonies and fall asleep......a couple of days later, he has his daughter....its the weekend and i admire the fact that he gives a shit about his little girl, he LOVES this kid, and it shows, that is endearing.... so he cant attend the day drinking mission that cody and i are on....oh well, hes ditching me for a legit reason, and he called me to tell me this, and he's texting me all day, im ok w/ not seeing him....but i text him and tell him that the selfish part of me wishes he would sneak out while his ma has his baby so i can see him...not expecting such....im standing at the bar ordering a pitcher when he walks in......i blush badly.......he has a beer then goes back to being daddy...this makes me like him more....day drinking continues into the evening....i see some ppl from phx that i hadnt in a while, chill w/ gabe and cody, life is good.......decide to go back to mias cause the patio is awesome and its raining, i love rain....and the pogues....but mostly the rain.....i text him, tell him that i hope hes having a good night, he asks where i am, i say on the way to mias.....i walk in, and he's there, he snuck out again........i like him more.......we have a great time, talking shit, drinking whiskey....its time to go.....we stand outside and talk....he tells me that when he kissed me at his house a couple days ago, he thought his heart was going to explode. i agree.....he goes home i go home........he calls asking to see me the next day........i dont say no...............


josh, his name is josh....

I'm home alone tonight.
Full moon illuminates my room, and sends my mind aflight.
I think I was dreaming up some thoughts that were seemingly
possible...with you.
So I call you on the tin can phone.
We rendezvous at a quarter-two, and make sure we're alone.
I think I've found a way for you and I to finally fly free.
When we get there, we're gonna fly so far away.
Making sure to laugh; while we experience anti-gravity.
For years, I kept it to myself.
Now potentialities are bound, and living under my shelf.
Simply choose your destination from the diamond canopy,and we'll be there.

slc is fuckin weird

the dude abides

tommy used to work on the docks..........

4 days sef

Tommy used to work on the docks

Unions been on strike

Hes down on his luck...its tough, so tough

Gina works the diner all day

Working for her man, she brings home her pay

For love - for love

She says weve got to hold on to what weve got

cause it doesnt make a difference

If we make it or not

Weve got each other and thats a lot

For love - well give it a shot

Whooah, were half way there

Livin on a prayer

Take my hand and well make it - I swear

Livin on a prayer

Tommys got his six string in hock

Now hes holding in what he used

To make it talk - so tough, its tough

Gina dreams of running away

When she cries in the night

Tommy whispers baby its okay, someday

Weve got to hold on to what weve got

cause it doesnt make a difference

If we make it or not

Weve got each other and thats a lot

For love - well give it a shot

Weve got to hold on ready or not

You live for the fight when its all that youve got