I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes

people tell me all the time to get over myself....no, i mean ALL the time.and i never understand what it means....im not even trying to be sarcastic or anything, i just dont understand what the literal meaning of that saying is. i also dont understand what the obsession is with everyone i know freaking out on me at some point.....perhaps(according to friends) its one of those things where since ive decided im not attracted to or want to be with a certain person, they dont even want to be my friend and will find ways to alienate me immediately...i dont really agree with that, but at the same time, it has happened before......now, dont get me wrong, i understand that i have a tendency to lose it, and sometimes(ok, often) take out my frustrations on ppl close to me, and that is probably not fair....however, i dont think anything ive ever talked shit about (be it your skills on the ball field, or your cripling obsession with the foo fighters, or even the way you talk) to my 'friends' -warrants the latest anti-lu campaign. lets check this out for a minute. say you have autism and it makes you socially awkward---i would never give you shit about it, because you cant help it, its a sickness, a disease...not exactly like but sort of like insomnia...its a valid, diagnosed issue=leave it alone. if you had, lets say, been in a motorcycle accident and nearly died and now have screws in your foot that make it a little harder to do what you once did i would never give you shit about it...id be glad you werent crippled. now, if you slip and fall trying to skate a sled down a mountain and break your ankle, im giving you plenty of shit, glad youre ok, but im gonna tease the hell out of you. but back to the screwed foot thing, or maybe a pin in a knee that not only ruined your ball career but set you off on a painkiller addiction that nearly killed you=leave it alone. now for the most most most important one. if you smoke crack cocaine while youre pregnant and you have some more little people running around your house all with different daddys and you cant get off of welfare because of your crack addiction, youre getting shit from me. and all of society....if you have a child who is more amazing than most adults i know, if your child is the entire reason for your survival and the only connection you have left to someone you loved and had to bury, if your child is beautiful and well taken care of AND you do it with no help whatsoever, im not only not talking shit about your parenting but im giving you a fucking medal for not killilng yourself 5 years ago. and yet, THESE are the subjects that my 'friend' decided to go off on...the ones he knew would hurt me the most....it never goes away, it never changes, and of course i have to look at it and realize that i am the common denominator in all of it, so therefore if i choose to better my attitude, these things wouldnt happen...fuck that. sorry, but im one of those love me or hate me kinda chicks, i really dont care.....robotics prevent it, actually. when you are friends w/ me, you know that i am crass, that i am honest to a fault, and that i dont need you.....most of you, i want...but fuck i got friends, i dont need anymore...least of all ones who are too fragile to survive in the acid tongued, whiskey fueled world that i am (according to weaker beings) the ruler of. heres an excerpt from the latest......keep in mind that up until, lets say a week ago, this person and myself were 'friends' enjoy:


"......of course you want to compare childhoods, its a safety issue for you. you know that no matter what i say, you can top it. you have the luxury of launching into that tired old 'im a single mother, ive lived more lifetimes and seen more and done more and...blah blah blah' i cant compete with that and you know it. you love it, you need that. its your fucking get out of jail free card....."

excuse me? ?the LUXURY????
now let me just say, and i refuse to defend myself to any of this, but let me just say that i was comparing his childhood to my kid's not mine.....that being said, he's right about the fact that his spoiled little ass hasnt learned any of the lessons i have so its ridiculous for him to attack that aspect of my personality....here's another good part:

"...you dont act like youre the center of the universe?-laughable. two words: whiskey weekend. the whole time its all about how you hate your birthday and you might freak out at any minute...."


whiskey weekend was my birthday.....sorry, brosef but the world does in fact revolve around me during my birthday....he left out the part where i thanked everyone repeatedly for being there for me because it is a hell day for me....thanks, friend.before i get to my favorite part, let me say this...he lives with his mother and has NO IDEA what real life is like:

"...youre the child. you think youre the only one with problems. you think that getting along means that everyone around you deals with your issues for you. im sick of it, grow the fuck up and dont drag me down with your bullshit..."

remember, ive left out a giant part of this whole thing...like when he told me that my 9 year old is more responsible than i will ever be...now THAT is laughable. i really wish he could spend one day being me.

all i can say is FUCKING BRILLIANT. i have been berated and held down by people better than this.

You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down
You just stood there grinning
You got a lotta nerve
To say you got a helping hand to lend
You just want to be on
The side that's winning
You say I let you down
You know it's not like that
If you're so hurt
Why then don't you show it
You say you lost your faith
But that's not where it's at
You had no faith to lose
And you know it
I know the reason
That you talk behind my back
I used to be among the crowd
You're in with
Do you take me for such a fool
To think I'd make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don't know to begin with
You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, "How are you?"
"Good luck"
But you don't mean it
When you know as well as me
You'd rather see me paralyzed
Why don't you just come out once
And scream it
No, I do not feel that good
When I see the heartbreaks you embrace
If I was a master thief
Perhaps I'd rob them
And now I know you're dissatisfied
With your position and your place
Don't you understand
It's not my problem
I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you
Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You'd know what a drag it is
To see you

when the bible is a bottle

I don't see you through the windshield
I don't see you in faces looking back at me
alcohol doesn't have much that matters to say
can't imagine where you and time to kill will stay
when the bible is a bottle
and the hardwood floor is home
when morning comes twice a day or not at all
if I break in two will you put me back together
when this puzzle's figured out will you still be around
to say you've just been there
walking the line upside down
walked and breathed many a cancerous mile
where the bat of an eye is too slow to beat the coffin
they won't tell it on the TV
they can't say it on the radio
they pay to move it off the shelf and into our minds
until you can't tell the truth
when it's right in front of your eyes
when the bible is a bottle
and the hardwood floor is home
when morning comes twice a day or not at all
if I break in two will you put me back together
when this puzzle's figured out will you still be around
to say you've just been there
walking the line upside down



uncle tupelo, still be around.....its a good song, thats all.

You're so cute when you're slurring your speech,But they're closing the bar and they want us to leave

the whiskey weekend.....ah how glorious it was....friday night was the blow out, really...visited every acceptable drinking establishment in down town mayberry......early on, i could feel the vibes in the air, i mean, i did drink a LOT of makers mark even before like 9pm.....i decided that even though my best friends were not there, i have made some damn good ones right here in this town. of course i missed grant and ziede and daddy etc....but it was so good to be surrounded by positive, loving ppl on a weekend where i knew i was going to break down. early on in the night, i saw mike...i knew it was going to happen...he's a drunk and its a small town on a friday night... of course he burned holes in the back of my head staring for a while until i decided to be the bigger person and go have a conversation with him. it was nice....he is tragically cute, after all...i basically told him AGAIN that he shouldnt be weird around me, and that i was doing well, hoped he was too...all the while, there is a chick yelling at him, and me 'where do you guys know each other from??!?!' two problems with this..1)the obvious disregard for grammar and 2) who the FUCK is this girl...however, i enjoyed the fact that he just ignored her as he continued to talk to me....he said he missed me, he said he'd been doing a lot of thinking about what he wants out of life...i said, dont be so serious, lets just have a beer.....then i walked away thinking i had gotten him out of my system(at least for the night) many makers and gingerales later, we walked down the street to the loser strip club...and of course, he was there...and of course, like me, he opted to not go into the club, just stayed out in the front bar, drinking whiskey...he approached me this time, and we had a drink...and a very lacking conversation, in fact we had a bit of an argument at that point...his ride (the obnoxious chick from before) was leaving and basically dragging him out of the bar.....i said 'you dont have to leave, you can chill with us' and he said 'why do you act like you need me to have a good time for your birthday?' of course this pissed me off, because who the FUCK is he to think i need him?? i havent needed anyone in my entire life much less someone who is emotionally fiffuckingteen....so then it was HIS turn to walk away from me. we left that bar and went to the next one, and around bar close, my friends decided to stand around and discuss the fact that we had to get beer soon or miss out. i wasnt going to wait, so i walked down the street toward the store and my house..i did not have my phone because it was in safe hands so i couldnt make whiskey fueled phone calls to big mike, no one knew where i was for a good solid hour..it was kinda nice, except i was wearing my docs that weigh about 9 lbs a piece instead of my chucks like usual..and lets be honest, my house isnt really all that close to where we were...and its up hill the whole way but fuck it, i stopped to get beer and shared one with a homeless guy on a bus bench thinking my friends had to be right behind me, they know me well enough to know that i most likely had to get liquor into my system and get home..i have a habit of doing exactly that. well, they werent behind me, ever.i got home alone and sat on my doorstep drinking miller lite(gross)until my sis rolled up.we started drinking more, then steve got there and i remembered that he was the one who had my phone...4am rolls around and who do you think is blowing my phone up??? yep...none other than....so i,because i think i have a slight case of retardation, get in my car and drive to get him and bring him home...like the time before, i just left my house full of ppl and disappeared only to return with mike...on the way back he said 'your friends are going to trip out on me, right?' i told him no, but that i thought my sister would probably have a word or two for him...we get to my place and she wont even look at him just stares straight ahead and says 'fuck you mike' burn. 3rd degree burn. we hang out and drink some beers and smoke a bit before he says to me, 'i really would like to just sit and talk to you, can we go upstairs?' we go, im standing there brushing my teeth when he starts in again...'you need me' then it was my turn to say 'fuck you, mike' i told him i did NOT need him...i said that i liked him, and that i wanted him, but fuck if i NEEDED him...he walked away, and layed in my bed..where he proceeds to tell me that he wants to be with me but he's scared etc etc....i see through his bullshit like it was a fucking window, he really shouldve just said straight up 'hey, lets bang and then i'll go back to ignoring you' woulda had the same outcome, cause i was down...this boy is good at things and fuck it, its my birthday weekend, a girl had needs.......as you can figure out, he got up in the morning and left...after holding me all night and being the sweetheart that i fell for the first time....the last thing he said to me, as he was kissing me goodbye 'i wont be weird anymore, well not AS weird...'

It was one hundred degrees, as we sat beneath a willow tree,
Who's tears didn't care, they just hung in the air, and refused to fall, to fall.

And I knew I'd made horrible call,
And now the state line felt like the Berlin wall,
And there was no doubt about which side I was on.

Cause I built you a home in my heart,
With rotten wood, it decayed from the start.

Cause you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.
No you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.

I braved treacherous streets,
And kids strung out on homemade speed.
And we shared a bed in which I could not sleep,
At all, woo, hoo, woo, hooOoOo.

Cause at night the sun in retreat,
Made the skyline look like crooked teeth,
In the mouth of a man who was devouring, us both.

You're so cute when you're slurring your speech,
But they're closing the bar and they want us to leave.

And you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.
No you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.

I'm a war, of head versus heart,
And it's always this way.
My head is weak, my heart always speaks,
Before I know what it will say.

And you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.
There were churches, theme parks and malls,
But there was nothing there all along.

Cryin' won't help you, prayin' won't do you no good,

i have always hated this day....and nearly every year it ends (or begins) with some sort of horrible break down...every year i cut off all of my hair or dye it some insane colour...every year i get wayyyyy too drunk for wayyyyy too many days and i fall in love 10 times a night...and every year since 2001, i have missed my brother....todd was one of those ppl who could make you laugh even when you didnt want to. i was at a funeral for an 11 year old boy who was shot and killed by his older brother, a good friend of mine, and it was so so sad...well there was todd, acting like a retard and making me laugh my ass off. you have all heard me, especially during ball, talk like im handicapped...i learned from the freakin master...we got kicked out of an airport once because i was pushing him around in a wheelchair and he was literally drooling on himself, putting on the best show id ever seen---he took a break from his performance and security noticed that he was not, in fact, handicapable....so they threw us out...nevermind that we were waiting for a flight across the country!!!! they let us back in eventually and we(obviously) got home but moms knew the whole story by the time we got home....narcs....thats all i have to say about that...the last conversation i had with him before he died was one of the most hilarious ever....and for that im slightly thankful...because i talked to him the day of his death and i made sure(as i do with everyone important to me) to hang up the phone with an ilove you....he knew and that is comforting, i just wish he was able to know my daughter...they wouldve gotten along so great....the day before my birthday 2001, he called and said he was going to be on my side of town to pick up his paycheck before going to colorado to see his cunt, i mean girlfriend....more on that later....maybe....anyway, i told him id meet him downtown for lunch or something cause i probably wouldnt see him until the fourth of july.....he said 'nah, i gotta go down by the fairgrounds, i'll just come by your place later' i said, 'oh its no big deal, mikey works down there' 'WAIT!! YOUR HUSBAND WORKS AT THE FAIRGROUNDS???!!! IS HE A CARNY!??!?! YOU MARRIED A CARNY?!?!?! OH MY GOD, I HAVE TO GO!!!' needless to say, i laughed so hard i couldnt breathe as he hung up on me due to my being 'married to a carny' he knew better, he'd known mikey as long as i had and i just meant that his shop was in the same general area as the fairgrounds....so i called him back and he was still laughing accusing me of loving and being married to a circus freak, tweeker carny.....then he dropped the bomb---said, 'i cant believe you married someone who works with midgets....does he ever get any midget on you?' what the fuck does that mean??? get some midget on me? like its mustard??? he was a funny dude, thats for sure.....we talked for about an hour, the entire time it took him to drive to the fairgrounds, then i told him i loved him and i would set a place for him at dinner that night....he never showed.


If it keeps on rainin', levee's goin' to break,
When The Levee Breaks I'll have no place to stay.

Mean old levee taught me to weep and moan,
Got what it takes to make a mountain man leave his home,
Oh, well, oh, well, oh, well.

Don't it make you feel bad
When you're tryin' to find your way home,
You don't know which way to go?
If you're goin' down South
They go no work to do,
If you don't know about Chicago.

Cryin' won't help you, prayin' won't do you no good,
Now, cryin' won't help you, prayin' won't do you no good,
When the levee breaks, mama, you got to move.

All last night sat on the levee and moaned,
Thinkin' about me baby and my happy home.
Going, going to Chicago... Going to Chicago... Sorry but I can't take you...
Going down... going down now... going down....

Empty from the start

january 3 1996 was one of those days...ray's 18th birthday.......we had been fighting a lot over xmas vacation, mostly because he found ways every day to be somewhere else besides with me.....i didnt know at the time, but it was because he was tweeking constantly and always had a hard time being around me on drugs...not because he was that different a person, but because he didnt want me wrapped up in them along with him....needless to say, this mentality didnt work because since i was about 14 i had my own addictions....beside the point......when i wised up and well actually, when ian and genie let me in on what was really going on, i did some soul searching, i cried my eyes out, i drank jim beam, and i decided i had to break up with him...for his own good, thats what i thought, anyway...........so january 3 was the first day back to school from the break....i loaded up all of his shit---his doors tapestry, his waiting for the sun cd, his no one here gets out alive book, his necklace, his ring, everything.....put it in a nice birthday bag and walked to school....he drove by as i was walking and stopped, of course, and gave me a ride....we didnt go to school, we drove out to the creek and i handed him a letter...parts 1 and 2...the first part was all about how much i loved him, and it replayed the memories of the last year.....i remember this so well because his ma just mailed me the letter like a couple weeks ago, he had kept it all of these years....part one was awesome.....so much had happened since january 3 1995 and i did a pretty good job of remembering things...it was the year of firsts for me, and they all included this 6'3" 150lb green eyed black haired amazing boy....i loved him so much...even as a 14 year old kid. i remember telling my mom that i loved him and she told me that it was just a crush...anyway im off track again...he read part one, then we made out, and he told me he loved me for the first time...he'd always said little things that let me know he did...his big thing was 'tallyallyvoo' i know, i know, it makes no sense, but in some weird ray way it did...and it does..i find myself saying it to the worm.....i of course start bawling at this point and tell him i love him too, then hand him part two of the letter...i say, dont read it until you drop me off at school....he took me to town, i still didnt give him the birthday bag of stuff......and he dropped me off...a few hours later was time for band, we had it together...i was waiting at the top of the stairs for him to come in...when he rounded the corner to the stairwell, i saw him crying.....he made it to the top and hugged me tighter than he ever had...apparently he'd read part 2. as you can imagine, it was the part where i broke it off...i told him that i needed him to be there for me in full, not when it was easy for him...i told him that i wished we could get off drugs together so we could be a real couple...i told him that i wasnt sure if our relationship was real or if it was based on drugs and close proximity...(is that how you spell that?) he didnt say anything, just hugged me...it was the best hug i have ever had from a boy, or will ever.....at that point i thought about just retracting and saying i was sorry that i was high or something and didnt realize what i was talking about, and maybe we should just stay together....but then i thought some more...i was 16, i knew i was headed down a destructive path w him because he was danger, excitement, sex, drugs, rock and roll and drugs.......everything i wanted but knew i didnt need....so as he let me go, i stepped back and gave him the bag of his stuff....then walked away........he didnt go into band that day, or the next, or the next....i didnt see him or hear from him for 3 days...i got so scared that he'd done something stupid, or was avoiding me which was somehow worse......no one else had seen him or heard from him either....i tried calling, nothing, i asked his sister, nothing.....the 3rd night, i went to his house...his ma answered the door, then shut it, didnt ask me in, which was weird because she loved me, and i was welcome there even if he wasnt there, you know? i didnt go away, i stood outside and waited...ray came to the door, he looked like death, had lost even more weight and was pale pale pale.....i remember that he was wearing his glasses instead of his contacts and it made me laugh a little, because the first time i met him (i was 11) he was wearing those awful things.......soon as he opened the door i grabbed him and told him how wrong i was, how sorry i was, how i didnt know how bad i needed him, in any form even if it was on drugs......we both started crying and he asked me in...we went in his room and layed down on his bed and watched the doors movie...no one said a word....i fell asleep in his arms and then woke up suddenly, realizing that it was late and i shouldve been home, like hours ago........finally i woke him up and i asked why he looked so sick....he'd spent the last 3 days at home...........kicking

Too late it's my birthday

You're not here; you're not there

I called you to tell you

How much I care

Don't you hear me?

I need you near me

I've set a place for two

Your seat and my heart

Empty from the start

And all alone

Did you just forget me?

Not recall I breathe at all

I wrap my arms around me

Hold back the tears

what's one more year