Living with our heads underground

Im in the sky tonight
There I can keep by your side
Watching the wide world riot
And hiding out
Ill be coming home next year

Into the sun we climb
Climbing our wings will burn white
Everyone strapped in tight
Well ride it out
Ill be coming home next year

Come on, get on, get on
Take it till life runs out
No-one can find us now
Living with our heads underground


Into the night we shine
Lighting the way we glide by
Catch me if I get too high
When I come down
Ill be coming home next year

Im in the sky tonight
There I can keep by your side
Watching the whole world wind
Around and round
Ill be coming home next year

Come on, get on, get on
Take it till I fall down
No one can find us now
Living with our heads underground


Ill be coming home next year
Ill be coming home next year
Everythings all right up here
When I come down
Ill be coming home next year

Say goodbye
Say goodbye
Say goodbye
Say goodbye

Grow further from me with every fallen tear

um, this is just hilarious. trying trying trying to write more.ah well, grant and spam are BOTH coming for edgefest, josh is not. i think i would be ok with this whole situation if i just knew what he was thinking....


Yes indeed, I'm alone again.
And here comes emptiness crashing in.
It's either love or hate,
I can't find in between,
'cause I've been with witches and I've been with a queen.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now it's just another lonely day.

Wish there was something now I could say or do.
I can resist anything but the temptation from you.
But I'd rather walk alone than chase you around.
I'd rather fall myself than let you drag me on down.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
And now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now, it's just another lonely day.

Yesterday seems like a life ago,
'cause the one I love today, I hardly know,
You I held so close in my heart, Oh dear,
Grow further from me with every fallen tear.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now it's just another lonely day.
For now it's just another lonely day.
For now it's just another lonely day.

I'm sitting here thinking of you, won't you give a few thoughts to me?

36 days and g will be in phx.....edgefest stylie!!! rumor is that spam booked his ticket today as well, i see good, ne, great things happening at this fest.........thats it, thats all i got today, im feeling a bit under the weather and the josh thing is making me batty so i got nothin....new rise against is metal as fuck. little ray's sister called me yesterday. havent talked to her since the funeral, ive not talked to her on PURPOSE since the funeral. still dont know what to say to her.......heres the new rise song, not vid, just song


http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=rise+against+re+education



my fave song today is graveyard shift, uncle tupelo


Hometown, same town blues
Same old walls closing in
Oh what a life a mess can be
I'm sitting here thinking of you, won't you give
A few thoughts to me

Well, time won't wait, better open the gate
Get up and start what needs to be done
It's winding down, there's much you missed
Working on that graveyard shift

Well, I'm not saying there's nothing wrong as the day comes along
If what I see is true I could learn to believe
Can't look away
The powers that be might take it all away
Together we burn, together we burn away

Some say a land of paradise
Some say a land of pain
Well, which side are you looking from
Some people have it all
Some all to gain

Well a man in a tie gonna break his twenty dollar bill
There's plenty of reasons in this world
To sit around or stand there still

But I'm not saying there's nothing wrong as the day comes along
If what I see is true I could learn to believe
Can't look away
The powers that be might take it all away
Together we burn, together we burn away

There's too much time spent looking for a reason
It's the simple ones that beat the most truth
Oh, what a life a mess can be
I'm sitting here thinking of you, won't you give
A few thoughts to me

Well, time won't wait, better open the gate
Get up and start what needs to be done
It's running down, there's much you missed
Working on that graveyard shift

But I'm not saying there's nothing wrong as the day comes along
If what I see is true I could learn to believe
Can't look away
The powers that be might take it all away
Together we burn, together we burn away

Go analog baby, youre so post-modern

man, another day in the neighborhood with just about nothing to write about..............the worm started FIFTH grade today!!! oh my god. its crazy......5th grade was like yesterday for me....its when i moved to az for the 2nd time, wouldnt be the last, but whatev..........i met friends of mine that i still have today. sam cassell, ziede, bone daddy (rip), james j, jilly, cam of course, and whoooooooooooo little ray..........man, man, man.......i cant think about my little worm falling in love with the boy that will change her life this year. it happened to me when i was her age, and its still fucking with me today.....mostly because he's dead but also because he is HER daddy!! weird.....more on this subject later,im sure....josh got back from the grand canyon like yesterday and i still havent heard from him...i cant figure out if its a good or bad thing, i miss him so badly already, even though he's not entirely gone yet, but maybe its good to put some distance between us so i dont totally lose it when he DOES leave? maybe? i dont fucking know. im starting to feel like this thing is going to be pushed so far into the 'friend zone' that i'll never get out of it....weird weird feeling......i figured out the other night though that he is the combination of important people in my life which is why im so ga ga for him...he is little ray in his genuineness(a word?) and his honesty, he is grant in that he is respectful and intelligent and fun, he is my friend scooter in his emo-ness(hahahaha) he is the only part of mike lander that i dont hate in his artistic ability, he is cameron in the way he fathers his child, and he is hot like no boy ive ever known........but those big, sad, sad eyes are all his own..grrrr, it pains me to think about him ALLLLLL the time, i want it to go away............and it will, soon, cause he's so leaving.....the strangest thing about this whole situation though, is the fact that i have been drinking MUCH less than normal, mostly because he's a light weight and not the drunk that im used to 'dating?' or hanging out with. which is good, believe me, its good. i dont smoke nearly as much because he HATES it, so i curb it when he's around, that and the worm being around means like a pack a week nowadays,which is also good...., and ive been sleeping. like a normal, everyday sleep pattern that i was convinced only happened on sitcoms or in books......when i get to sleep(which has been every night lately) i stay asleep....like all night.....whether he's around or not.....im thinking it has something to do with him though, cause i sleep much better w/ him next to me, but i sleep either way....its an odd odd thing for me, ive been an insomniac my entire life....comes from a lot of things---when i was a kid, i was afraid to go to sleep cause the boogy man would get me ( my dad, actually) when i was an older kid, i was doing too many drugs to LET myself sleep, then i had a baby and that screws w/ your sleeping no matter who you are, then i was married to mikey who was NEVER home at night, so i was up worrying and getting myself worked up over his not being there, then i moved to a strange place and have been stressing on everything, then ray was around and his nigh terrors were enough to keep ppl in china awake if they were aware of them(it was scary, saw him jump out of a 3rd story window, saw him freak out so bad he thought ppl were after him so he got his son out of bed and ran down the street in his drawers, seen him yell and scream and just about lose his mind....)then ray died and that kept me up for months, then suddenly, i can sleep.....ive slept a total of about 10 hours in my lifetime, 6 of which have come in the month or so that ive known josh.....explain that one....a couple of blogs ago though, i talked about how bad it was going to be when he went back to his ex or stopped calling me....well he's not going back to his ex, but he's not calling either....so maybe this whole sleep thing was just a tease....did you watch the say anything vid yesterday? i love that little jew bastard max bemis.....on the 'new' record there is even a song called 'died a jew' its about jesus....and racism, and ham and milk, and jesus.....max is really like,what, 4.5feet tall? but genius....just plain genius...here's my SAY ANYTHING song of the day...its called 'admit it' and its super dope.......


Admit it!
Despite your pseudo-bohemian appearance
And vaguely leftist doctrine of beliefs
You know nothing about art or sex
That you couldnt read in any trendy New York underground fashion magazine
Prototypical non-conformist
You are a vacuous soldier of the thrift store Gestapo
You adhere to a set of standards and tastes
That appear to be determined by an unseen panel of hipster judges (bullshit)
Giving a thumbs up or thumbs down to incoming and outgoing trends and styles of music and art
Go analog baby, youre so post-modern
youre diving face forward into a antiquated path
its disgusting, its offensive, dont stick your nose up at me

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah

You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends
Pontificating to each other
Forever competing for that one moment of self-aggrandizing glory
In which you hog the intellectual spotlight
Holding dominion over the entire shallow pointless conversation
Oh, we're not worthy
When you walk by a group of quote-unquote normal people
You chuckle to yourself patting yourself on the back as you scoff
It's the same superiority complex
Shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell
And makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma
You spend every moment of your waking life bitching about

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
And I say yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah

Cause I'm proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I've become
Youre free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my guitar


Well let me tell you this, I am shamelessly self-involved
I spend hours in front of the mirror, making my hair elegantly disheveled
I worry about how this album will sell
Because I believe it will determine the amount of sex I will have in the future
I self medicate with drugs and alcohol to treat my extreme social anxiety

You are a faker (admit it)
You are a fraud (admit it)
Yeah, youre living a lie
(hey)
living a lie
(hey)
your life is living a lie
You dont impress me (admit it)
Why dont you bow down, get on the ground, walk this fucking plank (yeah!)

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
And I say yeah (what do you..)

And I am done with this
I wanna taste the breeze of every great city
My car and my guitar
My car and my guitar
So you'll come to be, made of these, urgent unfulfilled
Oh no no no no no
When I'm dead I'll rest
When I'm dead I'll rest way still
When I'm dead I'll rest, I'll rest

he lives with WOE

i got nothin today, to be perfectly honest. im tired of being the number one rated jock in my market and not having any money, thats for sure.......but such is life in my line of work, i suppose.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQClGsN68Zk

watch this video, k?

♥

I'm born to lose and destined to fail

still trying to keep writing everyday.....and failing, surprise surprise.....i have been writing to josh lately though, knowing full well that i will never actually hand him any of these thoughts...he's gone until tuesday night, he's exploring the north rim of the grand canyon one last time before he leaves for 3 months..........dyed my hair blue...its super duper rock and roll...i guess. been drawing a lot which is good, i go in spurts for sure, and lately been doing a pretty good job....super happy the worm is home, i missed her sooooo bad.....mikey meanwhile says he cant afford to help me with school clothes etc because he's broke, but ran to be w/ the lesbian 3 seconds after i picked up the baby....ran to nebraska....that means a flight, and other expenses....now they are 'on tour' in the midwest....hahaha, i hope they die. interesting though how his priorities play out....wait, no its not, its typical mike lander.....its exactly why we are not together, well that and the fact that i hate him....oh man...gross....i really really really really need to get more iron....not new info, ive known it forever...you may remember when the shamrock on my arm turned black along with the rest of the appendage, bryan sandell told me that night, 'oh my god, eat meat' hahaha....ive always been super duper anemic, when i go to donate blood, they pretty much laugh at me.....anyway i was SWINGING with the worm and the josh and his baby.....and now my entire left bicep is a nice greenish purple colour....i wish i could make up a better story, like i was fighting, or having crazy sex with a crazy hot emo boy, but alas....swinging, like a normal eight year old....pat and bunny's wedding was this weekend...it rained so hard the creek we were next to threatened to flood the whole place!! but the wedding itself went of without any major issues and now they are all sorts of married...its great, they are great ppl and belong together more than any couple ive ever seen...its kinda gross actually......ziede went w/ me as my date, it was fun, the place was absolutely gorgeous, one of those places on the planet that inspires.....gross. not too much else is new, i think sam casell is coming to visit next weekend, that will be awesome, we always have entirely too much fun....and she admitted the other night that she does not, in fact, hate grant...that its more of a love/hate thing....unfortunately, i think he REALLY does hate her.....she brought her new boyfriend around while i was in phx a week or so ago...he's pretty cool, g would even like him...he's a big irish kid named pat that forced me to drink ONE TOO MANY car bombs and puke on my shoes....but apparently i called her sam casell while he was standing right there and he laughed his ass off....she didnt think it was funny for more than one reason...mostly because he was laughing so hard, but also because she has absolutely no idea why i called her that...none. not even a clue.....jill had her baby, a little girl....cute, but gross. all babies look like chimps when they are born, and well im disgusted by the fact that she and tom are sooooo happy.... their family is so cute and close and well, gross....i got a new bed like 6 months ago, and i finally put it together this weekend...hahahaha, its just been on the floor for this whole time, super ghetto but whatev...and actually i didnt put it together at all, ziede did....my sister and i tried and cody and i tried and stephen and i tried before i quit talking to him(goodbye forever) and josh and i TALKED about trying, but it never happened, we couldnt figure it out....ziede took like 5 minutes and did it himself. hahahahah.......rachel is knocked up......hmmmm, im happy for her, because she is happy. she's been trying to have a baby for a while now so she was ready....im worried about her relationship w/ ziede though. he just quit talking to her all together....he says its because he doesnt want to be blamed when she and bill break up or whatev...i think its because he's sad that its not his baby....she's stoked though and even got a promotion at work which is going to mean way less physical labor for her, good cause she's knocked up....i get to be an auntie!! i cant wait to tell you the truth...as daddy says, 'yeah, another little white baby' hahahahaha.....wow, i really had absolutely nothing to write about today but i rambled long enough to be satisfied. check out my hair, yo.....pay no attention to the fact that my camera on my phone sucks ass...perhaps its from being thrown so many times, or maybe because its a ghetto ass LG that became obsolete in like 1997? whatev.........new fave song is 'walk through hell' by say anything...ive listened to it about 600 times in the last 3 days, driving everyone around me bonkers...but fuck them.ha.....but for this blog, going with an old stand by...........a favorite for sure........

♥

Well it's been ten years and a thousand tears
And look at the mess I'm in-
A broken nose and a broken heart,
An empty bottle of gin
Well I sit and I pray
In my broken down Chevrolet-
While I'm singin' to myself
There's got to be another way

Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain
I'm lonely and I'm tired
And I can't take any more pain
Take away, take away
Never to return again
Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain

Well I've searched and I've searched
To find the perfect life-
A brand new car and a brand new suit
I even got me a little wife-
But wherever I have gone
I was sure to find myself there-
You can run all your life
But not go anywhere


Well I'll pass the bar on the way
To my dingy hotel room-
I spent all my money
Been drinkin' since half past noon-
I'll wake there in the mornin'
Or maybe in the county jail-
Times are hard getting harder
I'm born to lose and destined to fail-

And if I could swim, I'd swim out to you in the ocean,

hey,

just wanted to write to let you know how amazing you are. i am thankful in so many ways that you came into my life, especially now. the first night i met you, i knew you were something special...thats why i asked if that girl was your girlfriend, remember? im pretty sure i fell for you the second you started breakdancing at ladies 80s! hahaha, then, when you reached down to pin roll your jeans to fit the part, i fell harder.....when we danced our asses off at the dub show at the v and you reached back and took my hand subconsciously, i felt electricity race through me like ive never felt before....especially because i didnt even know your name. when you called my job and gave me your number, my heart jumped into my throat....that night when we hung out and burned those first records, you found your way into my soul. and that first kiss was fucking amazing.....The little things you do show me that you are a real, caring, wonderful person who doesnt want to get hurt either...and i respect that. When you handed me all of those pins, i wanted to hold onto you forever....it was nothing, but it was something. I almost cried when you handed me that flower and then pinned it into my hair. When you whisper my name or ask if im going to stay the night with you in the sweetest, most innocent, non pressuring sort of way, i just want to fall into your arms and stay there. Im a mess when im around you, im all girly and goofy and thats hard to make me do. i have such strong walls built up around me that it took the man i married 7 years to realize he couldnt break them down. You make me want to take them down myself. Your big sad eyes pull me in so far that i just want to put my hands in your hair and tell you that everything is going to be alright. that you are going to make it through this phase, that you are going to get your life back to being YOUR life, that you will find love again and go for it,that your daughter is going to grow up to be a strong confidant, beautiful woman and youre going to be the reason....but i dont have magic powers, (or a utility belt for that matter) and i cant convince you. I know you feel the same way about me, and thats what is killing me. you want to know the future so that you dont fall for me and then it ends in tragedy like the last one did. and honestly, i cant tell you that it wont. all i can tell you is that i want to try.....i want to love you, josh. . if i just knew what your plan was for coming back, or not coming back, or whatever, i would know what im going to do from here. all of me wants to take care of you, and that is gross in my world, just so you know---its odd that i even want to be around someone, much less invest anything in them-----all of me wants to show you what the world can be like if you just let yourself fall. i have creds in this area, believe me. i have been kicked around and jaded and hurt so badly that it shouldve taken me out.....but it didnt. and a year ago, i let it all go.....of course it took a very very very long time to get there, and i understand thats where you are now.....but it feels really great to look in your eyes and watch you smile with your cartoon eyebrows and the honesty and innocence of the most emo of boys.....and let myself feel. i realize everyday that im probably scaring you away, by telling you how i feel about things, but then i figure out that if im going to really live MY life, and if im really going to look out for myself(the way youre trying to do now) and if im really going to LET myself feel real things....all things, not just sparks, not just desire, not just compassion, but ALL things, then i have to let you know...i cant watch you walk away without you knowing....i wont wonder 'what if' for the rest of my life.......so there it is. its up to you to decide where we go from here.......

And if I could swim, I'd swim out to you in the ocean,
Swim out to where you were floating in the dark.
And if I was blessed, I'd walk on the water you're breathing,
To lend you some air for that heaving sunken chest.

'Cause they chose you as the model for their empty little dreams,
With your new head and your legs spread like a filthy magazine.
And they hunt you, and they gut you, and you give in..

And if I was brave, I'd climb up to you on the mountain,
They led you to drink from their fountain, spouting lies.
And I'd slay the horrible beast they commissioned
To steer me away from my mission to your eyes.
And I'd stand there, like a soldier, with my foot upon his chest,
With my grin spread, and my arms out, in my bloodstained Sunday's best,
And you'd hold me, and remind you who you are.. under their shell...

I'd walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes
These soles are useless without you
Through hell for you, let the torturing ensue;
My soul is useless without you...

And if they send a whirlwind, I'd hug it like a harmless little tree
Or an earthquake, I'd calm it, and I'd bring you back to me,
And I'd hold you in my weak arms like a first born

I'd walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes,
these soles are useless without you
Through hell for you, let the torturing ensue
My soul is usless without you..

its something.........

how i wish you could see the potential...........

if i force myself to write something everyday, i'll get into the habit, and it will just be something i do, subconsciously.....like smoking! hahaahaha, gross.....


this boy is still amazing, i still want him. the bad part of that though is that he wants me too....i know i know it doesnt make any sense at all, but whatev. heres the deal, he's leaving sooner than later and he's been on a mission lately to push me away as far as possible.....or so he says....he says he doesnt want to be 'attached' to anyone when he leaves because it will make it that much harder. he says he likes me a lot and that i am "fucking amazing" but then still tries sooo hard to give up on it.....and then comes to see me. confusion confusion......but i still understand it. he's right, this is going to be a tough adventure for him...being away from his daughter, being away from his friends and his passion for cooking........being away from me. he told me the other day that he doesnt want to be responsible for my hurting when he leaves....he doesnt get it that its hurting me more to know that we are on the verge of something amazing and he's not going to dive into it....he leaned in for a hug the other night and i just shrugged my shoulders....if he would just give into this, if he would just let himself feel and not worry about 'hurting' me, if he would just stop being so afraid of life, i could let him leave....i could just watch him walk away for the next few months and be totally ok with it....of course id miss him. fuck i already do and he's not even gone, but i would know that he was coming back and that he'd be willing to try. genie told me the other day that i cant miss him because he's not dead....in so many ways, she's right. ray isnt coming back.........probably why i think that if i somehow knew that while he was gone, his heart would be in the right place, that he had intentions of returning and giving it a real shot, i would be ok.....im going to be ok either way, i always am, but it hurts so much more to think about having this right in the palm of my hand and then letting it go........again....when i was 17 and got knocked up, ray was the first person i told...he was in such a bad place that he ran away, not wanting to be a part of his kids life.....and i understood it. i met mikey and things happened the way they happened....for my entire marriage, i wondered what things wouldve been like if i hadnt let ray run away.....if my life, our lives, would be different.......if i wouldve felt actual love......when mikey and i split, the first thing i did was run right to ray....and give it a shot.....and it WAS everything it was supposed to be....then he died. i cant go through that again....not that i think josh is going to die, jesus, even im not that morbid....but i dont want to move forward and go about things, and date and have a good time, and wonder.......its the hardest thing in the world to deal with. the 'what ifs.' harder than a cut and dry end, like death....harder than a cut and dry beginning with the potential for absolute failure....because at least if it fails, we tried. nothing ventured, nothing gained....right? everything in me wants him to stay, and to do this the right way........but i have resolved myself to his leaving......im just not ready to say goodbye.


How I wish you could see the potential,
the potential of you and me
It's like a book elegantly bound,
but in a language that you can't read just yet
You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart
You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

There are days when outside your window,
I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective,
when we'll be lovers, lovers at last
You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart
You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart

You reject my advances and desperate pleas
I won't let you, let me down so easily, so easily

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

your heart is an empty room

dear lauralee,



please stop listening to death cab. its not helping. that is all.



sincerely,


lauralee

Burn it down till the embers smoke on the ground
And start new when your heart is an empty room
With walls of the deepest blue

Home's face: how it ages when you're away
Spring blooms and you find the love that's true
But you don't know what now to do
Cause the chase is all you know
And she stopped running months ago

And all you see is where else you could be When you're at home
And out on the street Are so many possibilities to not be alone

The flames and smoke climbed out of every window
And disappeared with everything that you held dear
But you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need
Cause you knew you were finally free