Through those dusty clouds

oh goody goody gumdrops.........Morrison? ah come on, anyone could do better coming up with a clever internet identity that would grab my attention and actually hold it.....

lets explore a couple of things----his comment said 'is anyone still reading this?'

well, um, i am still reading it. and afterall, that is what it is intended for.

next-------why, if it bothers you so much what i do and do not write about, or that you are not entertained by it, why do YOU read it? and more so, why are you compelled to comment?

im just completely and totally amused by it, to tell you the truth. i get a good laugh each and every time i see a new comment from someone i dont know........so rock out, morrison! loves it!!


meanwhile, its super cold here, but not snowing yet......and im super ok with that, i hate snow, as i have written about before....though part of me would like to just get it over with so that come summer its not still on the ground, know what i mean?

i am still looking for a real job....its not easy at all, and i feel a bit defeated, as rob would say, due to the fact that i know i am talented and marketable yet i have been asking questions like 'red or green sauce?' as of late...its not easy to take orders from a 20year old tweeker who has no concept of what a career is, she works a job...and thats fine, for HER. not so much for me....rob reminds me often that my pride gets in the way, and he's totally right...it does, but fuck man, yours would too...the other day a couple came in and i waited on them and introduced myself and they KNEW who i was, and so began the diatribe on why im not being heard in their offices anymore.......then, they tipped me 2 bucks. ha! little ray wouldve said something like 'aint life grand' to a situation like this, because he understood and practiced the art of gratitude and knew things happen for a reason....i know i know, hippie fucking bullshit, but when youre in the weeds, its a helpful mantra that can/has/will keep one going...anyway its better than rocking the whole 'god doesnt give us anything we cant handle' angle........cause, well, im still not there, but i do have faith that i will be alright, mostly because for the first time in my life, i have a true support system in rob AND because im always ok, im a fucking fighter, dude.......ha

joy world entertainment company at flag brew tonight........dude, morrison, you should come check it out, yo......



Watching people roll by
Wonder where they're going
Hey, what's your job?
What're you knowing?


Driving to the grocery store
Pull my money out
Passing by the liquor store
Throw my money down


Ain't life grand
Ain't life grand


My wife's got the blues
Now I've got them
Gonna bring her a kiss
Make those blues run


Ain't life grand
Ain't life grand


The sun came out the other day
Through those dusty clouds
And in my mind I was a child
And it felt good!


Ain't life grand
Ain't life grand
Ain't life grand
Ain't life grand

Yea the futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.

Shit!
Nothing makes sense, so I won't think about it.
I'll go with the ignorance.
Eat, sleep, fuck and flee; in four words, that's me.
I am full of indifference.

What do the old people teach us but how to die (die) die (die) and what do those hissy fits teach you except how to cry, pussy, cry?
Yea the futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.
Futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.
Futile, the futile, the futile so (the futile, the futile)

Taste. I have no taste.
I don't like these tiny portions or your artful abortions of sound,
sealed with a kiss, slathered in the sauce sarcastic.
So go choke on your irony.

What do the old people teach us but how to die (die) die (die)
and what do your hissy fits teach you except how to cry, pussy, cry?
Yea the futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.
Futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.
Futile, the futile, the futile so

I'm eating rat poison for dinner.
Pull the cord from the phone.
I am dining alone, Tonight, rat poison for dinner.
pull the cord from the phone.
I am dining alone. So goodnight.
Love!
I shall not love, yet I'll still sing about it.
I hope it covers the ocean in slime, the drama and drool.
I'm leaking the blood of a fool. (I'm full of it, I'm full of it, I'm full.)
Rat poison for dinner, pull the cord from the phone.
I am dining alone.
Tonight.
Rat poison for dinner, pull the cord from the phone.
I am dining alone. Tonight.
Oh I am dining alone. Tonight. Tonight. Tonight.


♥ i got nothing but say anything song lyrics today. i may not make it through.............

There is an Ocean in my soul where the waters do not curve.

i dont even really know where to begin..........monday they laid me off of my job. everything has been going so well, my ratings are through the roof, vibe in the office was good, rob and the worm have been getting along, my mom has been off my back, im in a real grown up relationship....in fact the EXACT one i asked for not long ago..........and then BAM! im jobless.....i havent been jobless since i was 15 yrs old!!! the search is not going entirely well, either....ive had to resort to checking out jobs that are not in my field, that are not mentally, spiritually, or creatively challenging...and that scares me. im so fucking manic depressive (it IS impressive) that its not hard for me to slip right back into angry lu, or worse, into i dont give a fuck lu....im so so so very thankful for that which i DO have....and i guess part of me knows im going to be ok...i mean, the world, the universe, the lord, whatever you want to call it, has thrown shit at me since birth, and fuck if i havent made it through....but, and im sure im just not asking the right way, but i would like to have a run of good....without the fuck you at the end...know what i mean? by the way, i efron hate snow and i woke up to a shit ton of it this morning....i gotta get to the beach man...and i mean that very literally, and i mean it metaphorically as well....when i get to the beach in my head, i will be a happy, happy girl.......


namaste ♥


If I could have chosen where God would hide his heaven,
I would wish for it to be in the salt and swell of the ocean.
Carried by the currents to all continents' shores.
Reaching into depths where the sun’s light has never shown.
Mixed with algae and coral.
Breathed in by sharks and dolphins.
Sailed by tanker ships, private yachts, swam in by tourists.
Working its way up through inlets, lakes, and rivers, swamps, and estuaries.
Down through limestone into the aquifer.
Purified by the county, pumped through pipes and out faucets.
Filled into a glass to meet the thirst of our children.
If I could have chosen, I would have been born a woman.
My mother once told me she would have named me Laura.
I would grow up to be strong and beautiful like her.
One day I’d find an honest man to make my husband.
We would have two children, build our home on the Gulf of Mexico.
Our family would spend hot summer days at the beach together.
The sun would kiss our skin as we played in the sand and water.
We would know we loved each other without having to say it.
At night we would sleep with the windows of our house left open.
Letting the cool ocean air soothe the sunburned shoulders of our children.
There is an Ocean in my soul where the waters do not curve.

Act your age, mama (Not your shoe size)

yes, i know, two posts in one day is a little nerdy, but fuck it.....

1. i am thankful that i am alive
2.i am thankful that my baby is alive
3. i am thankful that she is strong
4. i am thankful that she is so smart
5.i am thankful that we have a home
6. i am thankful that we have food to eat
7. i am thankful for my family
8. i am thankful for my friends
9. i am thankful for the opportunity to feel
10. i am thankful to wake up in a good mood
11. i am thankful for sleep
12. i am thankful for amazing sex
13. i am thankful that i have decided to trust
14. i am thankful that even with out the blessings of our friends, it would still happen
15. i am thankful for the blessings of our friends
16. i am thankful for my sore shoulder
17. i am thankful for the use of my hands
18. i am thankful for the lessons i learned today
19. i am thankful for warm showers
20. i am thankful for the ability to think
21. i am thankful that the cold has subsided, albeit briefly
22. i am thankful for a man who reads the newspaper at breakfast
23. i am thankful that he respects me enough to discuss it with me
24. i am thankful for my child more than i am thankful for air and water
25. i am thankful for air
26. i am thankful for water
27. i am thankful for the feeling of safety
28. i am thankful that my friends dont give up on me
29. i am thankful for men who cook
30. i am thankful for laughter
31. i am thankful for caffeine
32. i am thankful that i can feel his heatbeating too fast when he's next to me
33. i am thankful for bad movies
34. i am thankful for my childs want to succeed
35. i am thankful for her desire to be amazing
36. i am thankful SO thankful to her for saving my life
37. i am thankful to johnny hulsey, for being someone to me
38.i am thankful for new phones
39. i am thankful for muppety pink boots
40.i am thankful that my legs work
41. i am thankful that i was taught to be grateful
42. i am thankful for punk rock
43. i am thankful for straight up emo, and im not even afraid to say it :)
44.i am thankful for baby sitters
45. i am thankful for allergy medication
46. i am thankful that my knee hurts
47. i am thankful that my knee reminds me that i am alive
48. i am thankful for good books
49. i am thankful for the ability to read
50. i am thankful for perspective
51. i am thankful that he loves me for me
52. i am thankful for men who do laundry
53. i am thankful for old friends
54. i am thankful for new friends
55. i am thankful for tim
56. i am thankful that my child is seen as polite by other mothers
57. i am thankful that she has the ability to be thankful, sincerely
58. i am thankful for the look on her face when she is given even the smallest of gifts
59. i am thankful for being comfortable
60. i am thankful for whispering
61. i am thankful for the opportunity to breathe easily
62. i am thankful for being able to heal
63. i am thankful that prince can make my day better automatically...
64. i am thankful for being here now
65. i am thankful that bunny loves halloween like i do
66. i am thankful for corrective lenses
67. i am thankful for half cabs
68. i am thankful for warmth
69. i am thankful that i can feel my heart beat
70. i am thankful for little things
71. i am thankful for chapstick
72. i am thankful for my little sister
73. i am thankful for rain kissed leaves perfume
74. i am thankful for cigarettes
75. i am thankful for his hands
76. i am thankful that i do not have a headache
77. i am thankful that i DO have muppet hair
78. i am thankful for psychic connection
79. i am thankful for the past
80. i am thankful for the future
81. i am most thankful for the present
82. i am thankful that when i call, he answers
83. i am thankful that when he says he'll call, he does
84. i am thankful for freedom of choice
85. i am thankful for making the decision NOT to go to SLC
86. i am thankful for being given the opportunity TO go to slc
87. i am thankful for grant ruby
88. i am thankful for the talent i possess in my career
89. i am thankful that that talent will take me where i am supposed to be
90. i am thankful for the ability to see what slc would be for me, and for my baby
91. i am thankful for fate
92. i am thankful that fate has smiled upon me recently
93. i am thankful for being able to make a grocery list on line
94. i am thankful for things that save me time
95. i am thankful that i gave up baseball for linedancing
96. i am thankful for having good judgement
97. i am thankful for the people i have surrounded myself with at this point in my life
98. i am thankful for oversized hoodies
99. i am thankful for the knowledge and wisdom i have gained over the course of my life.
100. i am thankful, so thankful for robert aaron czaplicki....he makes my heart smile.


because prince owns......................
You don't have to be beautiful
to turn me on
I just need your body baby
From dusk till dawn
You don't need experience
To turn me out
You just leave it all up to me
I'm gonna show you what it's all about

You don't have to be rich
To be my girl
You don't have to be cool
To rule my world
Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your

Kiss

You got to not talk dirty, baby
If you wanna impress me
You can't be to flirty, mama
I know how to undress me (Yeah)
I want to be your fantasy
Maybe you could be mine
You just leave it all up to me
We could have a good time

You don't have to be rich
To be my girl
You don't have to be cool
To rule my world
Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your

Kiss

Yes
I think I wanna dance
Gotta, Gotta
Little girl Wendy's parade
Gotta, gotta, gotta

Women not girls rule my world
I said they rule my world
Act your age, mama (Not your shoe size)
Not your shoe size
Maybe we could do the twirl
You don't have to watch Dynasty
To have an attitude
You just leave it all up to me
My love will be your food
Yeah

You don't have to be rich
To be my girl
You don't have to be cool
To rule my world
Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your
Kiss

We could spend a lifetime waiting here

im scared to fucking death right now......its been entirely too long since my heart even existed, much less was put up for execution....i have these necklaces, you know---hearts, one that my gma gave me and one that i got from my sis...hearts....i wear them both ALL the time, they dont come off....because i was so convinced that i didnt have one, i thought if i wore it around my neck, that was good enough....robotics.....i talk about being a robot, a lot......because honestly, in order to keep myself sane through my marriage and through all of the hell that ive put myself through, and in order to be a mother to my child, i shut off. completely. completely. it took me 3 days to shed even one tear when ray died, and even then i couldnt muster tears, i felt numb more than anything....it wasnt until we buried him and i had to finally say goodbye that i was able to cry...it lasted about 5 minutes and it was over. this is the man that fathered my child and that i loved my ENTIRE lifetime. and i couldnt feel feelings for his loss....when my marriage ended, i felt nothing....but not even just the sad things have been foreign to me...its been very hard for me since i can remember to process and accept good things as well. i have spent a great deal of my lifetime pushing things out of my head, not feeling anything...for my own good....ive tried so hard to 'be here now' for so many years and truthfully, it has only begun working in the last year or so.....its been super hard, dont get me wrong, but its been worth it...to constantly remind myself to just BE. HERE. NOW. most times i have to breathe and say it out loud, sometimes its automatic ..being with robert is the most automatic ive ever experienced....because i dont want to be anywhere else. my mind does not wander to things i could or should be doing instead of just being with him.....i know how weird this is going to sound, but i have to put it out there, its so easy with him that its almost like we've been doing this thing for years.....its comfortable, its warm, and its real... and it scares me to death.now that im feeling feelings....any feelings, but especially these sort.....there is no turning back....if my heart breaks again, it will be the last time, i will not be able to find enough strength to ever want to care again. i know myself well enough for that...and while i feel like its putting a lot of pressure on roberts shoulders, my heart in his hands, i think he can handle it, and im pretty sure he's willing to accept the challenge.......


'...i dont like that car full of people just sitting there with their lights off like that, if this were the city, man or if it was 10 years ago, id fuckin roll up on those fools yo....wow, is that orion?'


Wake up it's time
We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind
I need to know I need to know tonight

Sweet and divine
Razor of mine
Sweet and divine
Razorblade shine

Patience my dear
We could spend a lifetime waiting here
Maybe this time
I hope I get the chance to say goodbye

Sweet and divine
Razor of mine
Sweet and divine
Razorblade shine

Day after day
Cutting away
Day after day
But anyway

Wake up it's time
We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind
I need to know I need to know tonight

Sweet and divine

But I waited my whole life for just one.....

Chaos is the complexity of causality or the relationship between events. This means that any 'seemingly' insignificant event in the universe has the potential to trigger a chain reaction that will change the whole system. A well known saying in connection with this issue is "A butterfly flapping its wings in one part of the world can cause a hurricane on the other side of the earth." This is also known as the "butterfly effect"





maybe SLC for thanksgiving? i dont know, i really dont do holidays,and given the choice between sitting between my bros fighting and listening to me ma list all of the ways ive disappointed her over the years, and inflating my little brothers ego even more, and then getting too drunk and fighting w/ chris and wanting to leave ASAP, and missing ray because of memories of thxgivings past--and going to hang out w/ g and watch football and eat pie...this chick's choosing the latter...si? si. i dont know, i may not be able to afford it, and therefore be stuck doing the stupid dance w/ my mother...devin's not even coming!!! nah, forget it, if im not going to SLC, im going to cook at home...rumor has it, a man i know has some ninja skills in the kitchen...NINJA. super ninja if you were to ask him...speaking of ninja skills, this man has my senses on alert...ALL of my senses....its pretty much one of the scariest feelings ive ever had, and pretty much one of the best...i have worked very very hard this last year on getting my head together, and for the most part, ive done well...ppl around me notice.....whatever....ive learned lessons, ive satisfied parts of myself that honestly, i didnt know existed (read: big mike, washo) and i have been completely and utterly content with my life...its a struggle, dont get me wrong...raising a kid in this hella expensive city by myself----its rough. but spiritually, and mentally, and for that matter, physically i have felt better this year than ever....my ulcer hasnt flared in like 7 months....for me thats fuckin huge....havent had a migraine in over a year......i still dont sleep well, but im waiting on the cure for insomnia(robert, buy his hype, its good) to be bottled...and sleep HAS gotten better....anyway im rambling, i was trying to make the point that with a lot of work sometimes comes great reward....most of the time, it comes with just harder work and you have to search in the pile of service and meditation to find the reward but this time, i think it just fell right into my lap...i have to believe that i deserve this....i know how selfish that sounds, believe me....but im ok with it....i AM worth someones respect. i AM worth not being kept in a box (man, i think id marry mikey all over again.....puke.) i AM worth being happy....sincerely, contently, happy...robert is doing that for me. i dont need him in my life...i dont NEED anything, or anyone...but i can fully say (and mean it with all of me) that i WANT him in my life and i have the power to make that decision...do you know how enormous that is in lu land??? he makes me feel safe and honored and EQUAL. ive never ever ever had that. looking back at my gushings over washo, im a bit embarrassed...i took whatever it was that we had and blew it so far out of proportion that it never even had the opportunity to BE anything...does that make sense? i like josh, dont get me wrong, i think he's a really good kid...he has a good heart and will one day be a very decent man. and i think the old lu, the one who still comes out of the shadows every once in a while;like a fucking relapse, really just needed something from him...validation? probably. a cute boy to make out with while delphi was gone for the summer and i had too much time on my hands? definately. i have been locked into relationships my entire life...i needed to go forth and conquer....besides that, i have a soft spot for the innocent ones in my heart....maybe i thought i could corrupt him, or maybe i thought he could clean me up a bit...either way, i shouldve been completely aware of the ridiculosity of it....i am now.....hindsight is 20/20. and as ive said before, im thankful GRATEFUL for the lessons i learned in that time....besides, how could i recognize what i have with robert as being so good, without having seen so much of the bad? see what i mean? perspective changes everything....anyway, he's good.smiling for me is not the usual....well, at least it wasnt before i bailed on phx....but its at an all time extreme right now...my cheeks hurt from smiling...and i think thats good....no? yeah. totally. there is something just very very different about this man........i guess that in itself is one major difference, he is a grown ass man..not a boy who is emotionally fif-fucking-teen, or an adult who has the capacity of a 19 year old....nope, he's fully grown....and i LOVE that about him...its really good for me, remember a couple of blogs ago?? when i wrote about mike carroll? its called 'punk rock girl lets go slamdance.' um, i put it out there, and now here he is...not mike carroll exactly, but better....better because he is reality....i mentioned in that blog that im tired of 'dating' boys and that i really just want a real grown man who is super punk rock but very zen at the same time....well motherfuck.....maybe next i'll write about how i could use 3 million bucks.......

Day after day
I will walk and I will play
But the day after today
I will stop
And I will start my way
Why cant I get just one kiss
Why cant I get just one kiss
Believe me thered be somethings that I wouldnt miss
But I look at your pants and I need I need a kiss
Why cant I get just one screw
Why cant I get just one screw
Believe me I know what to do
But something wont let me make love to you
Why cant I get just one fuck
Why cant I get just one fuck
I guess its something to do with luck
But I waited my whole life for just one
Day after ay
I get angry
And I will say
That the day
Is in my sight
When Ill take a bow
And say goodnight

Sometimes the songs that we hear are just songs of our own

dang, im on a roll! hahaha, ive actually put SOMETHING down, be it odd or disjointed or completely lame, much more often lately. thats good. 9 times out of 10 i really have nothing to write about, but i have this overwhelming desire to keep my carple tunnel(?) in action, so i continue typing...i still keep a notebook though. you know how funny it is to look back at some of my notebooks over the years? hi-larious! mostly because they are a bevy of unfinished thoughts, lists of nothing, doodles and scribbles, and a lot of letters. a LOT of letters. all of them unsent. i wonder what would happen if i went through say, the last 2 years ONLY the last 2 years of notebooks and sent out all the letters ive written? "Never reaching the end,letters I've written,Never meaning to send." i think it would be hysterical. some of you would get the strangest ramblings....for example, i know of AT LEAST 2 letters ive written to grant. one about me being sad that he was moving to slc but totally happy for him at the same time, and one that i apparently wrote while high on something addressed to jesus....its a long story but at one point i was determined to find the address to heaven and i asked grant, who didnt know either but made for some hilarious conversations..........there are letters upon letters upon letters to mike lander....some never finished...MOST never finished....some about the fact that if i didnt leave at that exact moment, i was going to become the person i tried to hard not to be in my youth...some about how that decision was the wrong one, some about forgiving him for all of his infidelities, and some about forgiving myself for putting up with said affairs......plenty and i do mean PLENTY of lists of gratitude....some stuff for the worm.....and this is just the passed 2 years....i cant imagine going back further....why do i keep this stuff? if im not going to send these letters, and im not going to publish any of the crackpot, bipolar craziness scribbled in the margins, why do i hang on to them? do i garner some odd pleasure from knowing they are there? do i attatch to things like one of those old ladies who has too many cats for the simple sake of proving my existence, or that i ONCE did exist? who knows??? i know that code keeps all of his video game football stats in notebooks...thats odd....but what makes it any more strange than my ridiculous ramblings shoved inside a giant tupperware box? to him im sure its the same thing...parts of himself, parts of his disorders that MUST be documented!!! for one reason or another though, i think we all have a bit of pack rat in us....the question remains however; why? id like to do some sort of psychological study on the nature of it all...i mean, why do some of us harbor EVERYTHING and some of us are able to get rid of things much much much more easily and quickly? this is from wikipedia----- It is not clear whether compulsive hoarding is a condition in itself, or simply a symptom of other related conditions. Several studies have reported a correlation between hoarding and the presence and/or severity of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Hoarding behaviour is also related to obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD). Hoarding rubbish may be referred to as syllogomania or disposophobia.-------is keeping notebooks of thoughts really compulsive hoarding though? i mean, i dont keep other things, really...well, not to the same extreme....i may have a touch of this though---Bibliomania is an obsessive-compulsive disorder involving the collecting or hoarding of books to the point where social relations or health are damaged. One of several psychological disorders associated with books, bibliomania is characterized by the collecting of books which have no use to the collector nor any great intrinsic value to a genuine book collector. The purchase of multiple copies of the same book and edition and the accumulation of books beyond possible capacity of use or enjoyment are frequent symptoms of bibliomania.--------hahaah, but that is a subject for another blog....im going to go right now and send some letters.....watch your mailbox.

♥

eyes of the world---the grateful dead (this song has been in my head all day)

Right outside this lazy summer home
You aint got time to call your soul a critic no.
Right outside the lazy gate of winters summer home,
Wondrin where the nut-thatch winters,
Wings a mile long just carried the bird away.

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world,
The heart has its beaches, its homeland and thoughts of its own.
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the mornin brings,
But the heart has its seasons, its evenins and songs of its own.

There comes a redeemer, and he slowly too fades away,
And there follows his wagon behind him thats loaded with clay.
And the seeds that were silent all burst into bloom, and decay,
And night comes so quiet, its close on the heels of the day.

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world,
The heart has its beaches, its homeland and thoughts of its own.
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the mornin brings,
But the heart has its seasons, its evenins and songs of its own.

Sometimes we live no particular way but our own,
And sometimes we visit your country and live in your home,
Sometimes we ride on your horses, sometimes we walk alone,
Sometimes the songs that we hear are just songs of our own.

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world,
The heart has its beaches, its homeland and thoughts of its own.
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the mornin brings,
But the heart has its seasons, its evenins and songs of its own.

She looked at him and he felt a spark tingle to his bones.

blood on the tracks may be one of the most amazin albums of all time....no, wait, it definately is....check out jeff tweedy doing this song too, from the im not there soundtrack...jeff tweedy is good....i like the jim james version of acupulco from that soundtrack too...anything really being covered off the basement tapes is good......my face hurts from smiling....a while ago....what seems like a LOOOOONGGGG while ago, i wrote about an author that i fell in love with last spring...i went to a reading of his randomly w/ cody the drunken 4 yr old and his lady love.....after a day of drinking, there really is nothing better than a sad sad sad story being told by a hot hot hot guy...hahahaha, i went home and ordered ALL of his books online. i do believe i even posted the link here so you could do the same...i wonder if anyone did??? ahhhhhhh no....anyway, i sailed through all of them, they are so good...and i started jonesing for more sean carswell....well there is no more...he hasnt published a novel since 'train wreck girl'....and while i am sad, i do understand....i mean, only stephen 'bad endings' king cranks out books 2 a year or whatever...so carswell's last book came out only this summer....patience is a virtue...:) i look in the live today (our version of a weekly, its NOT great) and who should be on the cover????? why sean carswell, and he's doing a reading on saturday here in the mtns....swoooooooooooon. he's also going to be at uptown for the dharma bums anniversary fest...i hate it that james jay always does his lit fests so early in the day...im going to be hard pressed to make both events, but fuck, its sean carswell!!!! im going to come out of my skin w/ excitement i do believe....robert is going hiking that day, and he's going to have a blast...the place he's headed is one of the most beautiful places on the planet and certainly in this state....but selfishly, i wish he was coming to see this reading with me........he's a book nerd, he'd appreciate it, and more importantly, carswell makes my genitals swell if you know what im sayin....hahahah, no seriously. please please please read some of his stuff...he's the founder of razorcake...do you know what that is?http://www.razorcake.org/site/ RAZORCAKE is the first and only official non-profit DIY punk rock fanzine in America primarily dedicated to supporting independent music culture. and he often writes for other zines......he mostly does short stories, like the ones in punch and pie and barneys crew is brilliant.....but this novel of his is SO brilliant. he has a way of telling stories that is very relatable...and i like that, its good. k, thats all, just check him out, and hope for me that i dont ACTUALLY come out of my skin....gross.

They sat together in the park
As the evening sky grew dark,
She looked at him and he felt a spark tingle to his bones.
'Twas then he felt alone and wished that he'd gone straight
And watched out for a simple twist of fate.

They walked along by the old canal
A little confused, I remember well
And stopped into a strange hotel with a neon burnin' bright.
He felt the heat of the night hit him like a freight train
Moving with a simple twist of fate.

A saxophone someplace far off played
As she was walkin' by the arcade.
As the light bust through a beat-up shade where he was wakin' up,
She dropped a coin into the cup of a blind man at the gate
And forgot about a simple twist of fate.

He woke up, the room was bare
He didn't see her anywhere.
He told himself he didn't care, pushed the window open wide,
Felt an emptiness inside to which he just could not relate
Brought on by a simple twist of fate.

He hears the ticking of the clocks
And walks along with a parrot that talks,
Hunts her down by the waterfront docks where the sailers all come in.
Maybe she'll pick him out again, how long must he wait
Once more for a simple twist of fate.

People tell me it's a sin
To know and feel too much within.
I still believe she was my twin, but I lost the ring.
She was born in spring, but I was born too late
Blame it on a simple twist of fate.

Never saw the sun shinin' so bright

http://healthyliving.msn.com/default.aspx?section=archive&contentType=article&contentId=The%20Power%20of%20Gratitude&GT1=25037

if you call someplace paradise, kiss it goodbye.....

this article deserved a blog mention because its my entire philosophy on life.....and if its on the front page of msn............grrrr, all the ppl in the world searching for something but finding nothing are going to take this and destroy it.....no, im not being an elitist. i wish everyone on the planet would find the ability to be grateful, and mean it. this world would be in a lot less turmoil if so.......however, not everyone is able to understand the second half of that statement AND MEAN IT.....if you say thank yous like you eat your fast food, you will be both diabetic and spiritually void. if you say your thank yous like a robot programmed to do so, without sincere thought given to EACH ONE.....you will lose. its that simple....basically, what im saying as i ramble here is that if you get it, i mean, really get it, then fucking rock on with your grateful self...but if you use this like you use every other teaching youve been given......get out of my paradise. that is all.

Blue skies smilin' at me

Nothin' but blue skies do I see

Bluebirds singin' a song

Nothin' but bluebirds all day long

Never saw the sun shinin' so bright

Never saw things goin' so right

Noticing the days hurrying by

When you're in love, my how they fly

Blue days, all of them gone

Nothin' but blue skies from now on

Never saw the sun shinin' so bright

Never saw things goin' so right

Noticing the days hurrying by

When you're in love, my how they fly

Blue days, all of them gone

Nothin' but blue skies from now on

Nothin' but blue skies from now on

On 26 reds and a bottle of wine

got stuck on reading quotes today....i have no reason why.....started w/ some buddha stuff, then moved on to morrison and ginsberg and then i came across one that was labeled 'anonymous' and it struck me....i dont know who the fuck 'anonymous' is but damn..........

“You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

but damn. im doing pretty damn good lately....sort of have a thing, whatever it is, with someone that i respect and admire as a human.....thats new, someone that is well read, well versed in life and has some pretty amazing soul windows.......its very odd...very very odd...but i think i could just sit and drink tea and TALK to him for like hours.....weird....and i dont have to be the one to carry the convo, he has things to SAY!!! things to mean...he understands the value of gratitude and that for me is huge....so, we'll see. i like his skin on mine, and that cant be bad right???? and the piercing on the back of his neck is pretty hot....;) im enjoying the fact that he calls me out on my shit, that he is honest and open and straight forward, not at all flaky, and his maturity level is not that of a 12 year old...thank zombie jesus.hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhahahahaha, i know how morbid this is, but grant reminded me of this song, and it cracks me up......


Teddy sniffing glue, he was 12 years old
Fell from the roof on East Two-nine
Cathy was 11 when she pulled the plug
On 26 reds and a bottle of wine
Bobby got leukemia, 14 years old
He looked like 65 when he died
He was a friend of mine

Those are people who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

G-berg and Georgie let their gimmicks go rotten
So they died of hepatitis in upper Manhattan
Sly in Vietnam took a bullet in the head
Bobby OD'd on Drano on the night that he was wed
They were two more friends of mine
Two more friends that died

Those are people who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

Mary took a dry dive from a hotel room
Bobby hung himself from a cell in the tombs
Judy jumped in front of a subway train
Eddie got slit in the jugular vein
And Eddie, I miss you more than all the others
And I salute you brother

Those are people who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

Herbie pushed Tony from the Boys' Club roof
Tony thought that his rage was just some goof
But Herbie sure gave Tony some bitchen proof
"Hey," Herbie said, "Tony, can you fly?"
But Tony couldn't fly, Tony died

Those are people who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

Brian got busted on a narco rap
He beat the rap by rattin' on some bikers
He said, "Hey, I know it's dangerous, but it sure beats Riker's"
But the next day he got offed by the very same bikers

Those are people who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

Don’t take me for granted

i try to do my 100 thank yous before i get out of bed but this morning i was very much asleep and satisfied with lying in my warm bed until the last possible second, and you know i have to soak up as much restful sleep as possible.i also wanted to put this up here to show just how hard it really is. try it, please. i think you'll like it AND its pretty much impossible to have a bad day if you are truly truly thankful and arent just writing things to write them. feel every thought.....im just saying....

1. i am thankful that i am alive
2.i am thankful that i am strong
3. i am thankful that i can see
4.i am thankful that i can feel
5.i am MOST thankful that i have the worm
6.i am thankful that she is strong
7.i am thankful that she can see
8.i am thankful that she can feel
9.i am thankful that i have a job
10.i am thankful that we have a place to live
11.i am thankful that we have food to eat
12.i am thankful that my daughter is well behaved
13.i am thankful that she is so beautiful in every way
14.i am thankful for her father.
15.i am thankful that i was able to be with ray for the short amount of time that i was
16.i am thankful that i grew a pair and left mikey
17. i am thankful that i spent time with big mike
18.i am thankful for the lessons big mike taught me
19. i am thankful that i no longer put myself in big mike situations
20.i am thankful for my family
21.i am very thankful for my sister
22.i am thankful that she is strong
23. i am thankful that she is beautiful
24.i am thankful that she loves my kid
25.i am thankful for my mother
26.i am thankful for all that she has done for me
27. i am thankful for all of the ways she has shown me how NOT to love
28.i am thankful for text messaging
29. i am thankful for warm showers
30. i am thankful for my friends
31. i am thankful that i have brian ziede no matter what
32. i am thankful that when i need a laugh or a conversation about russia i have grant
33.i am thankful for the ridiculosity of our obsession with Winnipeg.
34. i am thankful for the way i am able to be friends to them as well
35. i am thankful i found friends in the mtns
36. i am thankful for bunny
37. i am thankful that i have reliable transportation
38. i am thankful for a change of season
39. i am thankful i have heat
40. i am thankful i can cook
41.i am thankful i can walk
42. i am thankful for josh loper
43. i am thankful for the lessons he taught me
44.i am thankful i dont put myself in josh loper situations anymore
45. i am thankful for my father.
46. i am thankful for the lessons he taught me
47. i am thankful for the lesson i learned most from my father, that there are bad people in the world and i shouldnt trust everyone i meet
48. i am thankful for the art of zen
49. i am thankful for my years as an addict
50. i am thankful for the lessons those years taught me
51. i am thankful for slow kisses
52. i am thankful for fast kisses
53. i am thankful for burritos
54. i am thankful for social distortion
55. i am thankful for the ability to tell my baby goodnight in person every night
56. i am thankful to be able to see her in the mornings
57. i am thankful for her goofiness
58. i am thankful that i am still young enough to enjoy that goofiness
59. i am thankful that i can express my feelings
60. i am thankful that i have feelings
61. i am thankful for rays spirit in my heart
62. i am thankful for coffee
63. i am thankful for the products that semi keep my hair from making me crazy
64. i am thankful for human contact
65. i am thankful for honesty
66. i am thankful for the practice of meditation
67. i am thankful for my ability to be here now.
68. i am soooooo thankful for my ability to BE HERE NOW.
69. i am thankful for the journey i have taken to get here
70. i am thankful for sleep
71. i am thankful for communication
72. i am thankful for respect
73. i am thankful that i know many more adventures are on my horizon
74. i am thankful for this pain in my clavicle
75. i am thankful for nicotine
76. i am thankful for my very driven attitude
77. i am thankful that i am constantly improving that driven attitude
78. i am thankful that i have been able to do what i set out to do
79. i am thankful that i have been able to do what i set out to do not in spite of but because of all of the bullshit ive been through
80. i am thankful for the feeling of pure love
81. i am thankful for my kid's brilliance
82. i am thankful for her brother, Dylan
83. i am thankful for her grandparents ramon and shaun, mike, laura, and terri
84. i am thankful that she rocks half cabs
85.i am thankful for my keep on truckin ability
86. i am thankful for ska music
87. i am thankful for MEN(not boys) who like to dance
88. i am thankful for every opportunity that comes along
89. i am thankful for the prospect of moving to a new state
90. i am thankful for the straight edge movement
91. i am thankful that i am not part of that movement
92. i am thankful for barrack obama
93. i am thankful for little growls
94. i am thankful for a man who wants to hold my hand
95. i am thankful for chapstick
96. i am thankful for fairly reasonable sex
97. i am thankful for common ground
98. i am thankful for maturity
99. i am thankful for butterfly tattoos
100. i am thankful that robert came into my world, and that he let me into his


I’m your worn in leather jacket
I’m the volume in your fucked up teenage band
A Pack of smokes and a six pack
I’m the dreams you had walkin’ down the railroad tracks
You and me

I’m your first taste of romance
I’m your first broken heart on a Saturday night
Guys like us ain’t got no chance
But I’m the thing that keeps you and me alive
But not forever

So take me down the road
Take me to the show
It’s something to believe in
That no one else knows
But don’t take me for granted

I’m the blood on your guitar
I’m that wave you caught back in 1975
I’m as strong as a thousand armies
I’m as soft as a petal on a long stem rose
I am love

So take me down the road
Take me to the show
It’s something to believe in
That no one else knows
But don’t take me for granted
I’m with you when you’re born
You can take me when you die
With all the reasons why
But don’t take me for granted

No one knows
Don’t take me for granted

This is for the misfits, the freaks and the runts

me ma says when my hair is dark, it makes me look to 'hard' i dont know what that means. i really have nothing to write about today, just trying (futile, FUTILE!!!) to write often........going back to roja hair though, me thinks...i dont know, whatev....the worm is getting a deck for her bday. its all she's asked for, and im soooooooo ok w/ that...well she asked for that and a new pair of half cabs....but thats a given. she gets a new pair every year at this time...costumes are coming along nicely. you know as well as i do that all hallows is better than xmas for me and my kiddo....it is NOT a joke that we have been known to show up at family functions, be it thxgiving, or xmas or easter mass or whatev, in full on zombie regalia.....i have more zombie related makeup than regular makeup in my house and im totally ok with it....songs in my head like crazy today....woke up wanting to listen to op ivy....so i did, which got me back on a rancid kick(NIHILISM!!!) *sidebar: g, do you remember going to rancid w/ me and tucker? i think that was the night i threw up in my shot glass at the rogue..last action..swooooon...opened...top 10 show easy..do you also remember when i couldnt remember my own name standing in the presence that is tim armstrong? or dave navarro? or that wussy mike ness? grrrr* which in turn reminded me that the transplants were f'ing amazing for the short time....oh man i hope travis barker is ok...haha, a d d?? nah..so i dialed up my last.fm profile and clicked on the magic button to cyberspace that connected me directly to 'operation ivy radio; featuring op ivy, rancid, dhc,anti-flag....' um, i was happy....i am happy. ska makes me happy. the clash makes me happiest...these are not new revelations, im just rambling for the sake of rambling....


Nobody move, nobody get hurt, they said
Make one wrong move, man, you wake up dead
I exercise my lyrical stylings
And all the while you're dead and gone and forgotten
I said, oh, are they gonna come back for you?
No, aw, the story's sorry but true
Lord, did you really want them to go?
No, oh you're so goddamn cold

We're gonna make it on our own, we don't need anyone
Lord knows we don't need you

(watch me now)
You got your ear to the street, then this bud's for you
You got my name in your mouth, then this slug's for you
Shotgun, Fast Lane, on the Highway to Hell
Germ sticks, tall cans, and the powder that sells
Just tryin' to have somethin', and you sit back and laugh
I'ma grab something, I'ma gettin' that half
We came too far now, nowhere we can flop
Wanna drop me, gotta kill me, only way I'ma stop

We got 808 subwoofers in the trunk
Around the world with the Rancid Punx
This is for the misfits, the freaks and the runts
Fuck the motherfuckin' back-stabbin' cunts
Ride's gettin' rough, so I know I better buckle
P U N X tattooed on my knuckles
Hey man, you keep the shackles, cause I am free

We're gonna make it on our own, we don't need anyone
Lord knows we don't need you
(watch me now)

We're gonna make it on our own, we don't need anyone
Lord knows we don't need you

I heard you're losing your mind, shit, I been lost mine
But I still stay focused through good and bad times
Compare your worst fuckin' day to my best fuckin' night
I bet my last red cent that you couldn't stand the sight
From loss of loved ones to life of drug funds
They counted me out, from what? I'm not done
Give me a chance to shine and I'ma blind the world
Take a stand and be the voice of those who cannot be heard

We're gonna make it on our own, we don't need anyone
Lord knows we don't need you

That he not busy being born Is busy dying

heres the thing. i read dharma punx in oooh, lets see, like 02ish? sam cassell gave it to me because she thought i needed it, and she was not wrong. over the years, i have tried to have conversations with ppl about this book and NO ONE has ever heard of it, much less read it....its a memoir of Noah Levine, a so cal punk kid who found himself into drugs, violence blah blah blah...just gutter punk...then he found buddhism and a more positive path.......sound familiar? it should....well for those of you who know anything about me anyway....i still have ragin moments, and i still have those inner punk ethos running through my blood but i have found better ways of dealing with them...recent years and recent events have shown me over and over that i have to look at things in the ram daas way....be here now....so zen, right? like the fact taht all of my friends call me the punkrock hippie....a better way to put it is- im a dharma punk.hahahaha...anyway, im bringing this up again because the other night i ran into a kid who is a dharma punk....we've had some really great conversations and he has made my list of morning thank yous a few times now...not sure where if anywhere its going to go, but its nice to have at the very least a friend on the same path...i dont know if he believed it when i told him of my buddha that looks over my kitchen...next i'll tell him about my collection of bobblehead jesi (thats plural for jesus, right?) anyway, a huge part of the buddha philosophy is things happen for a reason...meaning, i think i was really in need of someone to talk to honestly and openly, and bam! i meet robert...cool dude....not saying i dont have the greatest friends in the world, but its hard to explain to professor joe my thoughts on violence and mosh pits, ziede doesnt even blink when i call him sobbing because i miss ray...he just says 'oh.' the closest person in the world to me, g, gets it---well most of it. but still, its good to have a kindred addict in arms, eh? anyway, do yourself a favor and read DHARMA PUNX. its really good, i promise...though you will finish it wishing mike ness had a stronger handshake........

Darkness at the break of noon
Shadows even the silver spoon
The handmade blade, the child's balloon
Eclipses both the sun and moon
To understand you know too soon
There is no sense in trying.

Pointed threats, they bluff with scorn
Suicide remarks are torn
From the fool's gold mouthpiece
The hollow horn plays wasted words
Proves to warn
That he not busy being born
Is busy dying.

Temptation's page flies out the door
You follow, find yourself at war
Watch waterfalls of pity roar
You feel to moan but unlike before
You discover
That you'd just be
One more person crying.

So don't fear if you hear
A foreign sound to your ear
It's alright, Ma, I'm only sighing.

As some warn victory, some downfall
Private reasons great or small
Can be seen in the eyes of those that call
To make all that should be killed to crawl
While others say don't hate nothing at all
Except hatred.

Disillusioned words like bullets bark
As human gods aim for their mark
Made everything from toy guns that spark
To flesh-colored Christs that glow in the dark
It's easy to see without looking too far
That not much
Is really sacred.

While preachers preach of evil fates
Teachers teach that knowledge waits
Can lead to hundred-dollar plates
Goodness hides behind its gates
But even the president of the United States
Sometimes must have
To stand naked.

An' though the rules of the road have been lodged
It's only people's games that you got to dodge
And it's alright, Ma, I can make it.

Advertising signs that con you
Into thinking you're the one
That can do what's never been done
That can win what's never been won
Meantime life outside goes on
All around you.

You lose yourself, you reappear
You suddenly find you got nothing to fear
Alone you stand with nobody near
When a trembling distant voice, unclear
Startles your sleeping ears to hear
That somebody thinks
They really found you.

A question in your nerves is lit
Yet you know there is no answer fit to satisfy
Insure you not to quit
To keep it in your mind and not fergit
That it is not he or she or them or it
That you belong to.

Although the masters make the rules
For the wise men and the fools
I got nothing, Ma, to live up to.

For them that must obey authority
That they do not respect in any degree
Who despise their jobs, their destinies
Speak jealously of them that are free
Cultivate their flowers to be
Nothing more than something
They invest in.

While some on principles baptized
To strict party platform ties
Social clubs in drag disguise
Outsiders they can freely criticize
Tell nothing except who to idolize
And then say God bless him.

While one who sings with his tongue on fire
Gargles in the rat race choir
Bent out of shape from society's pliers
Cares not to come up any higher
But rather get you down in the hole
That he's in.

But I mean no harm nor put fault
On anyone that lives in a vault
But it's alright, Ma, if I can't please him.

Old lady judges watch people in pairs
Limited in sex, they dare
To push fake morals, insult and stare
While money doesn't talk, it swears
Obscenity, who really cares
Propaganda, all is phony.

While them that defend what they cannot see
With a killer's pride, security
It blows the minds most bitterly
For them that think death's honesty
Won't fall upon them naturally
Life sometimes
Must get lonely.

My eyes collide head-on with stuffed graveyards
False gods, I scuff
At pettiness which plays so rough
Walk upside-down inside handcuffs
Kick my legs to crash it off
Say okay, I have had enough
What else can you show me?

And if my thought-dreams could be seen
They'd probably put my head in a guillotine
But it's alright, Ma, it's life, and life only.

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

There's no one in town I know

You gave us some place to go.

I never said thank you for that.

I thought I might get one more chance.

What would you think of me now,so lucky, so strong, so proud?

I never said thank you for that,now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.

Hear you me my friends.

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

May angels lead you in.

So what would you think of me now,so lucky, so strong, so proud?

I never said thank you for that,now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in. Hear you me my friends.

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

May angels lead you in.

May angels lead you in.

May angels lead you in.

And if you were with me tonight,I'd sing to you just one more time.

A song for a heart so big,god wouldn't let it live.

May angels lead you in.

Hear you me my friends.

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

May angels lead you in.

May angels lead you in.

Hear you me my friends.

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

May angels lead you in.

May angels lead you in.

And I couldn't awake from the nightmare that sucked me in and pulled me under

um, if a dude drowns himself in the mighty mississippi river, he deserves a second listen, or 3rd, or bazillionth...........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WolmjxD4hn4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AratTMGrHaQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siNsgbIWhAQ

Love, let me sleep tonight on you couch
And remember the smell of the fabric
Of your simple city dress

Oh... that was so real

We walked around til the moon got full like a plate
The wind blew an invocation and i fell asleep at the gate
And I never stepped on the cracks 'cause i thought i'd hurt my mother
And I couldn't awake from the nightmare that sucked me in and pulled me under
Pulled me under

Oh... that was so real

I love you, but i'm afraid to love you
I love you, but i'm afraid to love you

I will always hold your hand I'll never let you fall

i miss him EVERYDAY. some days, more than others...today is one of those days....


everytime i look at my daughter, i miss him, everytime i feel the empty pillow next to mine,i miss him. everytime i remember what his kiss felt like, his touch, his smell, those amazing lips, that great smile, his positive outlook-i miss him. halloween season makes me miss him, the thought of moving hundreds of miles away to a new place, a new time, a new everything, i wish he was going with me....i just cant believe he is gone, i STILL cant believe he isnt here for me to call and vent to, he isnt here to reassure me that everything is going to be ok, that i AM worth so much more than i give myself credit for....i miss him so badly. the worm has my face, thats no doubt, but she is HIM. her mannerisms, her big sad eyes, her smile is his in replica, her build, her ability to bounce back from everything and keep on truckin is awe inspiring....there is so much i want to share with him, so many times in a day when i think of a song, or a moment in time, or a feeling, that was him....its hard to hold it together....he was there for me/with me, when bradley died, and NO ONE was with me when it was his turn...besides his family, and to a certain extent the worm, no one loved him like i did NO ONE...there will not be a little ray benefit concert/album/fundraiser for his kids like there was for brad, there will not be a week long memorial camping trip like there was for todd, there will not be an influx of friendship and love amongst our stupid group like there was for chuck, there will not be portraits painted like there was for steph.....its just me, and my thoughts of him and the hole left in my heart, my head, my life, my daughters upbringing, my circle of friends, my hippie crew.....its only been a couple of months, and i know im not 'supposed' to be 'over' this, but it still hurts so badly...i feel such sorrow for dylan who had him for such a short amount of time. at least i had him for most of my life, dylan will never know the man that his father was, he will never know how much he loved that kid....and for the worm, oh my god, she was just learning about him. she didnt even have the joy of having him in her life for more than a year...he was there, on the outskirts, but he was there. he loved her better from his post as 'uncle little ray' than mikey ever tried to fathom in his role as 'dad.' ray wouldve never ever ever left her with his mother/father/sister/aunt/roomate/girlfriend/whatev....just so he could go fuck around on the town...mikey seriously did AGAIN this weekend...all he had to do was spend a day and a half with her and he couldnt do it...he couldnt put his own selfish wants aside for less than 48 hours to spend time with this child....and to think that ray will never even have the opportunity to do that....hurts my heart....he loved his kids BOTH of them, so much so that he really was trying to get help, he really was trying to get himself together so he could watch them grow up....oh my god...i miss him so much. why is it that some days, i think about him and smile and then the very next day, i dont want to get out of bed because i may fall asleep and have a dream where i see his face? hear his voice....feel him next to me??? am i going to get through this? is there ever going to be a point where i can just accept the fact that he wont get to see the baby go to jr high, have a boyfriend, graduate???? fuck, she is going to be such a beautiful woman and he has a lot to do with that.....he is in her without a doubt, but its also because he taught me SO MUCH about how to push through...how to get up and keep going, how to be grateful for the small things in life....and i hope im passing that on to her...fuck knows im trying.....its just so so so hard to not have him...i took it for granted for so many years that he was going to be here, he was going to be with me.... now what? he used to look at me with those piercing green eyes and that crooked smile, those freckles, that warmth and say 'youre my girl......' i wasnt ready for that to go away


I never thought about it before
Just close your eyes and ignore
The dark that troubles you most
Don’t let it be here
And if you see it again
Hold your breathe and pretend
That you’re already dead

You’ll never be alone
I will always hold your hand
I’ll never let you fall
‘Cause nothing
Nothing else matters at all
If you’re scared just think of me
‘Cause you know ill never let you be
Anywhere but with me

Forget the story you heard
Why are you worried about the dirt
I don’t think that you’ll mind
When it’s your time
‘Cause I will be there with you
And well figure out what to do
So that you don’t get bored

You’ll never be alone
I’ll always hold your hand
I’ll never let you fall
‘Cause nothing
Nothing else matters at all
If you’re scared just think of me
‘Cause you know ill never let you be
Anywhere but with me

So try to sleep with a smile
I promise ill wait a while
To make sure that you moved on
You won’t be lost
I will always hold your hand
Ill never let you fall
‘Cause nothing
Nothing else matters at all
If you’re scared just think of me
‘Cause you know ill never let you be
Anywhere but with me

Punk rock girl let's go slamdance

i am excited about edgefest....like more excited than ive been in a long time. my kid sis is coming with. she's never even been to a CONCERT much less the insanity that usually ensues when 60 some bands and 30k punk rock kids and all of the edge-ites get together. can NOT wait. leaving tomorrow soon as i get off work. been really really really considering slc...to the point where im pretty sure im going to go........and then communications ceased. the pd was supposed to call me yesterday and let me know if my salary requirements could be met... he didnt. still havent heard from him today and im starting to worry. he gave me an enormous number the other day and i was thrilled but low key about it, then he said he couldnt meet that one after all, and asked what i would NEED to get there....i gave him a solid number. a LOW number in the grand scheme of things, and a number based on cost of living, etc.......completely fair. besides, if he cant meet it---he should tell me, not make me sit around and wonder, right? right. my ex husband is a cock sucking piece of scum that i am disgusted i ever let touch me. the worm told him about the potential of a move, and he said 'well if you move out of state, then i finally can too' ok, whatever...no big deal. when i asked him why he had said that, he first called me a liar, saying that i made up the fact that he said that to her. fuck off. then went on to tell me that i look out for no one but myself and do not care how things affect my child. FUCK off. the conversation ended with him calling me a whore and telling me to go fuck myself. hahahah, brilliant. now, if only he'd get out of my life, and quit pretending that he has any rights to my kid, i would be much happier. i cannot believe, actually, that i hate this man so much. i didnt always hate him or want him to die, but things have changed and boy do i now!!! whatever.....so i called josh out on his using me for my connects to things ie, edgefest.....and he denied, of course. i told him that if he came with me, he would go back to ignoring me and banging sarah soon as it was over...he denied. then he said he wasnt coming with me, and that he loves me and wants me in his life as his friend...again....and then he asked me to pick up his 4 year old in the valley and bring her back to him on sunday. i said i would think about it, because something in his voice makes me retarded still and even though my whole being was screaming 'fuck no, you stupid stupid son of a bitch' i told him i would think about it. he said, 'cool, call you later' that was 3 days ago and i havent heard from him. hence the blog about being over it.....i have to be. in super cheesy cliche mode, i think you know if it was meant to be, it will be.....but in super punk rock dont give a fuck mode, i think----i need a real man, cant continue to date boys...ive said it before, but still find myself running after guys younger than me and by FAR less mature than me. emotionally anyway. im sure its because guys that i am attracted to, you know---the still rockin a trucker hat sideways, tattoos,slacker clothes, preferably a skate board but a crusier with ape hangers works too, chucks---i mean, come on...but the guys im attracted to are all under the age of 25....so, should i start a petition to ask boys 28-36 years old to dress that way? or should i bring myself to giving up the hope of a punk rock wedding and start looking at guys in cowboy hats and/ or business suits? is there a happy medium? man----been listening to a lot of joey cape/ tony sly again....lets just say, its either really theraputic or really heartbreaking...either way, its dope. how much longer can i ramble without plugging in song lyrics??? who scheduled bands? i mean, who the FUCK put the kooks and a zip on at the same time? ive seen authority a bazillion times....never seen the kooks...but if you remember my blog from the other day, i really miss them right now. i really really miss them right now. same to be said w/ NOFX. they are on opposite gogol bordello! the choice with most likely be to see fat mike and the kids but shit! i wanna see gogol...they are a grrrrrreat show to see, so so good. perhaps a boy as well aged and super duper awesome like steve 'crooked neck' caballero...you know youre still rocking your half cabs...i know i am...so is the worm...if this guy were taller, id be writing him stalker letters......or maybe a patt duffy? or no, i know!!! MIKE CARROLL yep, mike carroll, he's on the right in the pic above, you know, just so you know.skated for my fave team PLAN B and also was the guy behind GIRL SKATEBOARDS back in the day, which is what i rocked for most of my young life...not cause they were called 'girl' but because the graphics were amazing and if you put big fat pigs on them, they made you happy...( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Carroll ) well, im out, gotta piss and im awaiting a phone call or some sort of communication from slc....and stupid ass grant is supposed to call me back too......cant wait to skate down the hill manana.........

♥

One Saturday I took a walk to Zipperhead

I met a girl there

And she almost knocked me dead

Punk rock girl please look at me

Punk rock girl what do you see?

Let's travel round the world

Just you and me punk rock girl

I tapped her on the shoulder

And said do you have a beau?

She looked at me and smiled

And said she did not know

Punk rock girl give me a chance

Punk rock girl let's go slamdance

We'll dress like Minnie Pearl

Just you and me punk rock girl

We went to the Phillie Pizza Company

And ordered some hot tea

The waitress said "Well no We only have it iced"

So we jumped up on the table

And shouted "anarchy"

And someone played a Beach Boys song

On the jukebox

It was "California Dreamin''

So we started screamin

"On such a winter's day"

She took me to her parents

For a Sunday meal

Her father took one look at me

And he began to squeal

Punk rock girl it makes no sense

Punk rock girl your dad is the Vice President

Rich as the Duke of Earl

Yeah you're for me punk rock girl

We went to a shopping mall

And laughed at all the shoppers

And security guards trailed us

To a record shop

We asked for Mojo Nixon

They said "He don't work here"

We said "If you don't got Mojo Nixon Then your store could use some fixin''

We got into a car

Away we started rollin'

I said "How much you pay for this?"

She said "Nothing man, it's stolen"

Punk rock girl you look so wild

Punk rock girl let's have a child

We'll name her Minnie Pearl

Just you and me

Eating fudge banana swirl

Just you and me

We'll travel round the world

Just you and me

punk rock girl

stupid punk rocker with a bad haircut

eat a bag of shit
you suck i can't believe the luck you have
its not bestowed upon me
and my pants are falling down
i would have another drink
except it might be poisoned by my mind
and my pants are falling down
i don't know what you've
been drinking but pour another one for me
my pants are falling down
the room is spinning around
my stomach is making funny sounds
i'm falling down
fuck you i hate you is all she said
as she slappedmy face and spit beer on me
and my pant are falling down
she said, you're a no good, ugly,dumb, stupid punk rocker
with a bad haircut
and your pants are falling down
i don't know what you've been smoking
but pack another bowl for me

(diesel boy, i guess its a trend this week...)


um, youre not jesus, youre bob.

whats an emo boy to do with a broken heart and some minor chords?

done with it. he can eat my shorts............no, really, sooooooo done. the thing is, he just isnt seeing what he's missing and well, fuck him for it. yeah, i told him we could be friends, and yeah i told him i was fine with it, and yeah i told him that it was cool if we talked about things that friends talk about ie; hooking up with sluts etc.........but i lied. i lied hard. i dont want to be friends with him. not because im not mature enough to deal with the fact that he doesnt want to be with me because he is 'afraid' not because i cant handle the fact that he used the word 'girlfriend' with me today referring to good ole sarah with the pretty eyes, not even because he dropped the 'i love you' bomb on me less than a week ago but followed it with days and days of talking about her to me......but because he's a hypocrit, a wanna be player who cant even play.......i was a member of a club a long time ago that seriously INVENTED the game of mind fuck. believe me, i learned from the best. you know, as i write this, i remember another little life lesson that ray taught me before he died. he went into rehab so that i could be number one to him. meaning it was my turn to not compete with drugs, or guitars, or lesbians or whores with pretty eyes and huge boobs, it really was, and he was going to make it happen... im going to hold out now for someone who can do that for me. i think i deserve to be a priority for someone, right? fuck this kid, really.....i can fuck with heads better than most people.....but i choose not to. this cat doesnt even know the rules of the game...he gives me all of this shit about how he 'doesnt want to be attached' and that im the 'most amazing girl he's ever been with' and its all fucking bullshit....he wants to be his best friend jimi....jimi is a man whore, he refers to HIMSELF as a man whore, and he's damn good at it....he's got a different girl on his arm every time i see him...and these chicks are cool with it, they are aware of whats going on....with josh, he broke the number one rule of the game---he fell in love with the girl. now im done with it, ......and then what? he will have racked up another one in the L column for boys who dont get it.


he read every issue of punk planet with a tissue
bad reviews of his favorite band made him cry
and he could hardly believe that jawbreaker signed to dgc
he took it personally that blake had lied when all that he loved was thru
whats an emo boy to do
with a broken heart and some minor chords?
inspiration lame on the floor he was just barely sixteen when he started his fanzine he could lay his broken heart out on the page
and it got real inspiring when people started writing in
he was not alone
he was not alone
when all his work was done he put
on side one
boxcar sang him to sleep
locked away in an emo dream
one foggy night at the bottom of the hill
front and center for jets to brazil
emo boy met emo girl
barrettes in her hair and buddy holly glasses and laminated passes
they left the club and went back to his house and fooled around to the new
record from modest mouse

(diesel boy)

So leave yourself intact

I'm gonna ride this plane out of your life again
I wish that I could stay, but you argue
More than this I wish, you could've seen my face
In backseats staring out, the window

I'll do anything for you
Kill anyone for you

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I will be coming back
In a phrase to cut these lips
I love you

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up

I've earned through hope and faith
On the curves around your face
That I'm the one you'll hold forever
If morning never comes for either one of us
Then this I pray to you wherever

I'll do anything for you
This story is for you
('Cause I'd do anything you want me to for you)
I'll do anything for you
Kill anyone for you

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I won't be coming back
In a phrase to cut these lips
I loved you

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
'Til you decide to wake up





SO, IVE BEEN THINKING, AND I HAVE AN ANSWER BUT MAY AS WELL POSE IT TO THE MASSES, EH? IS IT POSSIBLE TO HATE SOMEONE AND STILL RESPECT THEM? I SAY YES. IS IT POSSIBLE TO NOT RESPECT SOMEONE AND STILL LIKE THEM? I SAY YES AGAIN.WHAT DO YOU THINK? DOES IT EVEN MAKE SENSE? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT IM SAYING? NEW LOW----------COHEED AND CAMBRIA LYRICS. IVE OFFICIALLY LOST IT.IT WAS BETWEEN THIS ONE AND 'STILL' FROM THE FOO FIGHTERS.....EITHER WAY, HOW ABOUT I LISTEN TO NOTHING BUT SAY ABBA FOR THE NEXT FEW MONTHS UNTIL WASHO COMES HOME????YEAH, WILL THAT WORK??? HE REALLY REALLY TOLD ME THAT ALKALINE TRIO IS NOT AN EMO BAND.....I THINK THEY ARE....AND BOY DO I KNOW EMO BANDS. HAVE YOU READ MY LAST FEW POSTS? WHY IS NO ONE CALLING ME OUT ON THIS SHIT?? I GOTTA GET IT TOGETHER....I FINALLY MISS THE AUTHORITY BOYS...WAS LISTENING TO MY LAST.FM PLAYLIST AND THEY SHOW UP A FEW TIMES, MOSTLY THE LIVE STUFF AND SOME ACOUSTIC.....I THOUGHT I WAS SOOOOOO OVER THEM, BECAUSE, I MEAN, LETS BE REAL---IVE PROBABLY SEEN THEM 650,000 TIMES, RIGHT? CANT WAIT TO SEE EM AGAIN ME THINKS--------SEPT 26. JOSH IS not COMING WITH. AH WELL. I BET HE'S PRETTY BUMMED ABOUT IT, BUT HE'S THE ONE THAT LEFT, NOT ME....I HAVE PRODUCTION TO DO...SEE YA. (PS HOW STONED IS THIS GUY IN THIS PICTURE? 'YOUVE GOT THOSE TIRED EYES, ALL THE TIME'--SAY ANYTHING, AGAIN)

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

I'm approaching with great, great trepidation

a couple blogs ago, i said things would be better if i knew what he was thinking. boy was i wrong about that. cause he told me last night what he was thinking and son of a bitch if it didnt make it harder and more confusing.........he loves me, he told me that through the tears. and i believe it all hard......BUT i remind him of his ex girlfriend too much....he says not the bad/psycho/possessive/manipulative/spiteful parts of her, the good parts... wait, what? there are good parts of this chick????? everything 'amazing' about me reminds him of her.......sooooooooo confusing, so so so confusing.... he's gone right now, on the adventure of springerville (http://www.springerville.com/) and its probably better like that, because i really believe that he's going to miss me while he's gone, and realize what he's given up because he is "SCARED OF ME" no seriously, he's afraid that he loves me...and its making me fucking insane.....however, initially he was going to be gone for 3 months, till like dec but now he's saying he just wants to be there long enough to get some shit taken care of....meaning he will be back by halloween most likely....happy joy. or not, or something. so after an hour long phone conversation, and him sobbing and apologizing for being so distant and apprehensive about everything he says he loves me....my reaction???? in my head i am screaming 'NO, JOSH, YOU DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT LOVE IS!!!! YOU DONT GET THE FACT THAT MY HEAD IS SWIMMING BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOUR GOOFY DECISIONS AND YOUR CONSTANT NEED TO PUSH ME AWAY!!!! AGAAAAAGAGGHHHAHAHA!!!'(and other such...) but instead, i say to him 'right on, have a good night, talk to you tomorrow.'

No, it's not what we meant to say.
We don’t really love each other.
What happens when the summer’s over?
How long before distance becomes a chore?
I'm approaching with great, great trepidation.
I hope you’ll understand.

Before you speak think about what you're trying to say.
Who else is there to blame for miscommunication?
You're getting caught up in the excitement.
You making promises you can’t keep.
You need to leave all your options open.

Too much momentum.
This room feels like it's going to explode.
Too many angles.
Too many factors to cover.
Waiting for signal.
You're searching for network.
You have to fight to stay in control of the situation.

Anxiety, Anxiety you give me no mercy.
Grind my teeth smooth and flat in my sleep.
We took some pills to calm us down.
Then we needed help to come back up.
Just trying to stay in control of the situation.

Too much momentum.
This room feels like it's going to explode.
Too many angles.
Too many factors to cover.
Waiting for signal.
You're searching for network.
You have to fight to stay in control of the situation.
They fall apart so easily.

Too much momentum.
This room feels like it's going to explode.
Too many angles.
Too many factors to cover.
Waiting for signal.
You're searching for network.
You have to fight to stay in control.
You have to fight to stay in control.
No, you don’t have to fight to stay in control of the situation.

My heart is yours to fill or burst...

QUESTION OF THE DAY:

WHAT IS THE RATIO OF SKATER/EMO/BREAKDANCING BOYS TO WOMEN IN SLC, UT?

Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth,
as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,
we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.

Living with our heads underground

Im in the sky tonight
There I can keep by your side
Watching the wide world riot
And hiding out
Ill be coming home next year

Into the sun we climb
Climbing our wings will burn white
Everyone strapped in tight
Well ride it out
Ill be coming home next year

Come on, get on, get on
Take it till life runs out
No-one can find us now
Living with our heads underground


Into the night we shine
Lighting the way we glide by
Catch me if I get too high
When I come down
Ill be coming home next year

Im in the sky tonight
There I can keep by your side
Watching the whole world wind
Around and round
Ill be coming home next year

Come on, get on, get on
Take it till I fall down
No one can find us now
Living with our heads underground


Ill be coming home next year
Ill be coming home next year
Everythings all right up here
When I come down
Ill be coming home next year

Say goodbye
Say goodbye
Say goodbye
Say goodbye

Grow further from me with every fallen tear

um, this is just hilarious. trying trying trying to write more.ah well, grant and spam are BOTH coming for edgefest, josh is not. i think i would be ok with this whole situation if i just knew what he was thinking....


Yes indeed, I'm alone again.
And here comes emptiness crashing in.
It's either love or hate,
I can't find in between,
'cause I've been with witches and I've been with a queen.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now it's just another lonely day.

Wish there was something now I could say or do.
I can resist anything but the temptation from you.
But I'd rather walk alone than chase you around.
I'd rather fall myself than let you drag me on down.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
And now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now, it's just another lonely day.

Yesterday seems like a life ago,
'cause the one I love today, I hardly know,
You I held so close in my heart, Oh dear,
Grow further from me with every fallen tear.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may.
But for now it's just another lonely day.
For now it's just another lonely day.
For now it's just another lonely day.