I'm a void with empty promises that backs out late

my heart beats too fast, i lose my breath,i get shaky and dizzy ......i dont know if this is the way things go when you find someone who isnt after only one thing....and i dont know if this is the way it feels when you want to be next to someone so badly that your whole body goes quivery at the mention, or thought of his name, or voice, or eyes, or smell. i most certainly dont know if this is the normal way to feel when your phone rings and you wish with everything in you that its him, and when it is, you go numb and forget how to speak and even debate answering for fear that you will say something wrong, or you will be so giddy that you sound over eager, or desperate....i dont know if this is how it goes when he calls you in the middle of the night because he misses your face and you just curl up next to him and sleep better than you have in years, is this the way it is when he leaves and you search for any scent or remider of him because you miss him as soon as he's left the pillow next to you. i just dont understand it. therefore, im afraid of it. scared to death. i have not felt anything this overwhelmingly strong and pure since i fell in love with little ray when i was 14 years old. even with mikey, it was always kind of understood that we were together because of the baby....not that i didnt love him, but i was never overtaken by it, i never got sick to my stomach with nerves when he called, or touched my hair, or looked at me with big sad eyes. but i also know how dangerous it is to rush into anything, ESPECIALLY in a situation like this. i feel like im setting myself up for not only failure but a heartache im not sure i can handle again. not that i think im going to sabotage it, not that i think he will, but he is so amazing and beautiful that his ex is going to fight nail and tooth to get him back....he's worth it. they have a gorgeous child together, and well, that counts for something.....he loves her, or at the least HAS love for her....and i respect that, i almost wish mikey and i could get to a place like that, but it will never happen because he broke my heart into so many pieces that its been so so hard trying to glue them back together enough to be able to feel anything again....i think its the same with josh and his ex....she calls 300 times a day, and, because he's a nice guy, and because he loves his daughter, he answers, and she always trys to drag him into a long conversation about how they should be together and how sorry she is, etc....ive BEEN there, i know exactly what she's going through, and i feel for her....badly.....she fucked things up with a man who is probably her best shot at love for the rest of her life and she has finally realized it and wants him to come home. and im scared to death she's going to succeed.....dont get me wrong, i trust him. and he's told me how done with her he is, so have all of his friends etc....and he's made it clear in his actions by showing everyone in his life that he and i are...well, whatever he and i are....its not a secret that he likes me. they have all of the same friends and if he were trying to keep it from her, he would do things differently....its just that i went through this situation not more than one year ago.....here i was trying with everything in me(like his ex is) to do what i was supposed to do to get my family back together, to fix myself so that i could love him the right way.......and he was off fucking my friends and falling in love with lesbians, all the while telling me that he wanted things to be better between us........so i will give josh credit in that he does not pretend that things will get better for the two of them....but i do soooooo understand her plight....slight difference here is that mikey is a horrible person who has no one but himself in mind and i was fortunate and excited to learn this before i got back together with him...he is NOT worth it. if i had lost someone like josh....who is caring and gentle and respectful and ambitious and hot and brilliant and talented and literate.....i would be pulling my hair out trying to figure out how to make it work....id do anything in my power....and well, you know, baby mama always has some pull over daddy.....if she is as manipulative and spiteful as she seems, she will soon start to use his baby as leverage in the 'please come home campaign' and it will hurt him so badly that he will have to give in...his daughter is his life. why does all of this bother me so much? because im falling so hard for this man that i am already imagining the horrible breakup or whatever it will be called then, when he calls and says he has to go back to her, or worse, when he just quits calling at all....i cant do it again, my heart cant take it.

Unlucky seventeen, already handed plans for the future

Glamour obsessed, shown how to dress, and told how to think

And I don't have a job, but I can show you how to be a slob

So many days, wasted and glazed

Sometimes I laugh aloud as I think about,You asking me "Please can you help?"

Can't help my self

I'm not your savior, I'm not who you want me to be

A cowardly mistake I've made so many times before, refusing to break

Cut my losses ties them with you, like a good boy I'll pretend

And promise not to do it again

Do you remember when, life was so simple and permanent?

Everyone's changed, "Everyone's cool", Everyone sucks

But I can't seem to complain, Exciting and new is just not there

You're getting scared

I'm not your savior, never thought I was anyway

I'm a void with empty promises that backs out late

Never said I'd change, taking back the words that we spoke

Like a fuel tank running dry, you'll believe it when I choke