Empty from the start

january 3 1996 was one of those days...ray's 18th birthday.......we had been fighting a lot over xmas vacation, mostly because he found ways every day to be somewhere else besides with me.....i didnt know at the time, but it was because he was tweeking constantly and always had a hard time being around me on drugs...not because he was that different a person, but because he didnt want me wrapped up in them along with him....needless to say, this mentality didnt work because since i was about 14 i had my own addictions....beside the point......when i wised up and well actually, when ian and genie let me in on what was really going on, i did some soul searching, i cried my eyes out, i drank jim beam, and i decided i had to break up with him...for his own good, thats what i thought, anyway...........so january 3 was the first day back to school from the break....i loaded up all of his shit---his doors tapestry, his waiting for the sun cd, his no one here gets out alive book, his necklace, his ring, everything.....put it in a nice birthday bag and walked to school....he drove by as i was walking and stopped, of course, and gave me a ride....we didnt go to school, we drove out to the creek and i handed him a letter...parts 1 and 2...the first part was all about how much i loved him, and it replayed the memories of the last year.....i remember this so well because his ma just mailed me the letter like a couple weeks ago, he had kept it all of these years....part one was awesome.....so much had happened since january 3 1995 and i did a pretty good job of remembering things...it was the year of firsts for me, and they all included this 6'3" 150lb green eyed black haired amazing boy....i loved him so much...even as a 14 year old kid. i remember telling my mom that i loved him and she told me that it was just a crush...anyway im off track again...he read part one, then we made out, and he told me he loved me for the first time...he'd always said little things that let me know he did...his big thing was 'tallyallyvoo' i know, i know, it makes no sense, but in some weird ray way it did...and it does..i find myself saying it to the worm.....i of course start bawling at this point and tell him i love him too, then hand him part two of the letter...i say, dont read it until you drop me off at school....he took me to town, i still didnt give him the birthday bag of stuff......and he dropped me off...a few hours later was time for band, we had it together...i was waiting at the top of the stairs for him to come in...when he rounded the corner to the stairwell, i saw him crying.....he made it to the top and hugged me tighter than he ever had...apparently he'd read part 2. as you can imagine, it was the part where i broke it off...i told him that i needed him to be there for me in full, not when it was easy for him...i told him that i wished we could get off drugs together so we could be a real couple...i told him that i wasnt sure if our relationship was real or if it was based on drugs and close proximity...(is that how you spell that?) he didnt say anything, just hugged me...it was the best hug i have ever had from a boy, or will ever.....at that point i thought about just retracting and saying i was sorry that i was high or something and didnt realize what i was talking about, and maybe we should just stay together....but then i thought some more...i was 16, i knew i was headed down a destructive path w him because he was danger, excitement, sex, drugs, rock and roll and drugs.......everything i wanted but knew i didnt need....so as he let me go, i stepped back and gave him the bag of his stuff....then walked away........he didnt go into band that day, or the next, or the next....i didnt see him or hear from him for 3 days...i got so scared that he'd done something stupid, or was avoiding me which was somehow worse......no one else had seen him or heard from him either....i tried calling, nothing, i asked his sister, nothing.....the 3rd night, i went to his house...his ma answered the door, then shut it, didnt ask me in, which was weird because she loved me, and i was welcome there even if he wasnt there, you know? i didnt go away, i stood outside and waited...ray came to the door, he looked like death, had lost even more weight and was pale pale pale.....i remember that he was wearing his glasses instead of his contacts and it made me laugh a little, because the first time i met him (i was 11) he was wearing those awful things.......soon as he opened the door i grabbed him and told him how wrong i was, how sorry i was, how i didnt know how bad i needed him, in any form even if it was on drugs......we both started crying and he asked me in...we went in his room and layed down on his bed and watched the doors movie...no one said a word....i fell asleep in his arms and then woke up suddenly, realizing that it was late and i shouldve been home, like hours ago........finally i woke him up and i asked why he looked so sick....he'd spent the last 3 days at home...........kicking

Too late it's my birthday

You're not here; you're not there

I called you to tell you

How much I care

Don't you hear me?

I need you near me

I've set a place for two

Your seat and my heart

Empty from the start

And all alone

Did you just forget me?

Not recall I breathe at all

I wrap my arms around me

Hold back the tears

what's one more year