Go analog baby, youre so post-modern

man, another day in the neighborhood with just about nothing to write about..............the worm started FIFTH grade today!!! oh my god. its crazy......5th grade was like yesterday for me....its when i moved to az for the 2nd time, wouldnt be the last, but whatev..........i met friends of mine that i still have today. sam cassell, ziede, bone daddy (rip), james j, jilly, cam of course, and whoooooooooooo little ray..........man, man, man.......i cant think about my little worm falling in love with the boy that will change her life this year. it happened to me when i was her age, and its still fucking with me today.....mostly because he's dead but also because he is HER daddy!! weird.....more on this subject later,im sure....josh got back from the grand canyon like yesterday and i still havent heard from him...i cant figure out if its a good or bad thing, i miss him so badly already, even though he's not entirely gone yet, but maybe its good to put some distance between us so i dont totally lose it when he DOES leave? maybe? i dont fucking know. im starting to feel like this thing is going to be pushed so far into the 'friend zone' that i'll never get out of it....weird weird feeling......i figured out the other night though that he is the combination of important people in my life which is why im so ga ga for him...he is little ray in his genuineness(a word?) and his honesty, he is grant in that he is respectful and intelligent and fun, he is my friend scooter in his emo-ness(hahahaha) he is the only part of mike lander that i dont hate in his artistic ability, he is cameron in the way he fathers his child, and he is hot like no boy ive ever known........but those big, sad, sad eyes are all his own..grrrr, it pains me to think about him ALLLLLL the time, i want it to go away............and it will, soon, cause he's so leaving.....the strangest thing about this whole situation though, is the fact that i have been drinking MUCH less than normal, mostly because he's a light weight and not the drunk that im used to 'dating?' or hanging out with. which is good, believe me, its good. i dont smoke nearly as much because he HATES it, so i curb it when he's around, that and the worm being around means like a pack a week nowadays,which is also good...., and ive been sleeping. like a normal, everyday sleep pattern that i was convinced only happened on sitcoms or in books......when i get to sleep(which has been every night lately) i stay asleep....like all night.....whether he's around or not.....im thinking it has something to do with him though, cause i sleep much better w/ him next to me, but i sleep either way....its an odd odd thing for me, ive been an insomniac my entire life....comes from a lot of things---when i was a kid, i was afraid to go to sleep cause the boogy man would get me ( my dad, actually) when i was an older kid, i was doing too many drugs to LET myself sleep, then i had a baby and that screws w/ your sleeping no matter who you are, then i was married to mikey who was NEVER home at night, so i was up worrying and getting myself worked up over his not being there, then i moved to a strange place and have been stressing on everything, then ray was around and his nigh terrors were enough to keep ppl in china awake if they were aware of them(it was scary, saw him jump out of a 3rd story window, saw him freak out so bad he thought ppl were after him so he got his son out of bed and ran down the street in his drawers, seen him yell and scream and just about lose his mind....)then ray died and that kept me up for months, then suddenly, i can sleep.....ive slept a total of about 10 hours in my lifetime, 6 of which have come in the month or so that ive known josh.....explain that one....a couple of blogs ago though, i talked about how bad it was going to be when he went back to his ex or stopped calling me....well he's not going back to his ex, but he's not calling either....so maybe this whole sleep thing was just a tease....did you watch the say anything vid yesterday? i love that little jew bastard max bemis.....on the 'new' record there is even a song called 'died a jew' its about jesus....and racism, and ham and milk, and jesus.....max is really like,what, 4.5feet tall? but genius....just plain genius...here's my SAY ANYTHING song of the day...its called 'admit it' and its super dope.......


Admit it!
Despite your pseudo-bohemian appearance
And vaguely leftist doctrine of beliefs
You know nothing about art or sex
That you couldnt read in any trendy New York underground fashion magazine
Prototypical non-conformist
You are a vacuous soldier of the thrift store Gestapo
You adhere to a set of standards and tastes
That appear to be determined by an unseen panel of hipster judges (bullshit)
Giving a thumbs up or thumbs down to incoming and outgoing trends and styles of music and art
Go analog baby, youre so post-modern
youre diving face forward into a antiquated path
its disgusting, its offensive, dont stick your nose up at me

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah

You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends
Pontificating to each other
Forever competing for that one moment of self-aggrandizing glory
In which you hog the intellectual spotlight
Holding dominion over the entire shallow pointless conversation
Oh, we're not worthy
When you walk by a group of quote-unquote normal people
You chuckle to yourself patting yourself on the back as you scoff
It's the same superiority complex
Shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell
And makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma
You spend every moment of your waking life bitching about

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
And I say yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah

Cause I'm proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I've become
Youre free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my guitar


Well let me tell you this, I am shamelessly self-involved
I spend hours in front of the mirror, making my hair elegantly disheveled
I worry about how this album will sell
Because I believe it will determine the amount of sex I will have in the future
I self medicate with drugs and alcohol to treat my extreme social anxiety

You are a faker (admit it)
You are a fraud (admit it)
Yeah, youre living a lie
(hey)
living a lie
(hey)
your life is living a lie
You dont impress me (admit it)
Why dont you bow down, get on the ground, walk this fucking plank (yeah!)

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
And I say yeah (what do you..)

And I am done with this
I wanna taste the breeze of every great city
My car and my guitar
My car and my guitar
So you'll come to be, made of these, urgent unfulfilled
Oh no no no no no
When I'm dead I'll rest
When I'm dead I'll rest way still
When I'm dead I'll rest, I'll rest