how i wish you could see the potential...........

if i force myself to write something everyday, i'll get into the habit, and it will just be something i do, subconsciously.....like smoking! hahaahaha, gross.....


this boy is still amazing, i still want him. the bad part of that though is that he wants me too....i know i know it doesnt make any sense at all, but whatev. heres the deal, he's leaving sooner than later and he's been on a mission lately to push me away as far as possible.....or so he says....he says he doesnt want to be 'attached' to anyone when he leaves because it will make it that much harder. he says he likes me a lot and that i am "fucking amazing" but then still tries sooo hard to give up on it.....and then comes to see me. confusion confusion......but i still understand it. he's right, this is going to be a tough adventure for him...being away from his daughter, being away from his friends and his passion for cooking........being away from me. he told me the other day that he doesnt want to be responsible for my hurting when he leaves....he doesnt get it that its hurting me more to know that we are on the verge of something amazing and he's not going to dive into it....he leaned in for a hug the other night and i just shrugged my shoulders....if he would just give into this, if he would just let himself feel and not worry about 'hurting' me, if he would just stop being so afraid of life, i could let him leave....i could just watch him walk away for the next few months and be totally ok with it....of course id miss him. fuck i already do and he's not even gone, but i would know that he was coming back and that he'd be willing to try. genie told me the other day that i cant miss him because he's not dead....in so many ways, she's right. ray isnt coming back.........probably why i think that if i somehow knew that while he was gone, his heart would be in the right place, that he had intentions of returning and giving it a real shot, i would be ok.....im going to be ok either way, i always am, but it hurts so much more to think about having this right in the palm of my hand and then letting it go........again....when i was 17 and got knocked up, ray was the first person i told...he was in such a bad place that he ran away, not wanting to be a part of his kids life.....and i understood it. i met mikey and things happened the way they happened....for my entire marriage, i wondered what things wouldve been like if i hadnt let ray run away.....if my life, our lives, would be different.......if i wouldve felt actual love......when mikey and i split, the first thing i did was run right to ray....and give it a shot.....and it WAS everything it was supposed to be....then he died. i cant go through that again....not that i think josh is going to die, jesus, even im not that morbid....but i dont want to move forward and go about things, and date and have a good time, and wonder.......its the hardest thing in the world to deal with. the 'what ifs.' harder than a cut and dry end, like death....harder than a cut and dry beginning with the potential for absolute failure....because at least if it fails, we tried. nothing ventured, nothing gained....right? everything in me wants him to stay, and to do this the right way........but i have resolved myself to his leaving......im just not ready to say goodbye.


How I wish you could see the potential,
the potential of you and me
It's like a book elegantly bound,
but in a language that you can't read just yet
You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart
You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

There are days when outside your window,
I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective,
when we'll be lovers, lovers at last
You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart
You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart

You reject my advances and desperate pleas
I won't let you, let me down so easily, so easily

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart