I'm born to lose and destined to fail

still trying to keep writing everyday.....and failing, surprise surprise.....i have been writing to josh lately though, knowing full well that i will never actually hand him any of these thoughts...he's gone until tuesday night, he's exploring the north rim of the grand canyon one last time before he leaves for 3 months..........dyed my hair blue...its super duper rock and roll...i guess. been drawing a lot which is good, i go in spurts for sure, and lately been doing a pretty good job....super happy the worm is home, i missed her sooooo bad.....mikey meanwhile says he cant afford to help me with school clothes etc because he's broke, but ran to be w/ the lesbian 3 seconds after i picked up the baby....ran to nebraska....that means a flight, and other expenses....now they are 'on tour' in the midwest....hahaha, i hope they die. interesting though how his priorities play out....wait, no its not, its typical mike lander.....its exactly why we are not together, well that and the fact that i hate him....oh man...gross....i really really really really need to get more iron....not new info, ive known it forever...you may remember when the shamrock on my arm turned black along with the rest of the appendage, bryan sandell told me that night, 'oh my god, eat meat' hahaha....ive always been super duper anemic, when i go to donate blood, they pretty much laugh at me.....anyway i was SWINGING with the worm and the josh and his baby.....and now my entire left bicep is a nice greenish purple colour....i wish i could make up a better story, like i was fighting, or having crazy sex with a crazy hot emo boy, but alas....swinging, like a normal eight year old....pat and bunny's wedding was this weekend...it rained so hard the creek we were next to threatened to flood the whole place!! but the wedding itself went of without any major issues and now they are all sorts of married...its great, they are great ppl and belong together more than any couple ive ever seen...its kinda gross actually......ziede went w/ me as my date, it was fun, the place was absolutely gorgeous, one of those places on the planet that inspires.....gross. not too much else is new, i think sam casell is coming to visit next weekend, that will be awesome, we always have entirely too much fun....and she admitted the other night that she does not, in fact, hate grant...that its more of a love/hate thing....unfortunately, i think he REALLY does hate her.....she brought her new boyfriend around while i was in phx a week or so ago...he's pretty cool, g would even like him...he's a big irish kid named pat that forced me to drink ONE TOO MANY car bombs and puke on my shoes....but apparently i called her sam casell while he was standing right there and he laughed his ass off....she didnt think it was funny for more than one reason...mostly because he was laughing so hard, but also because she has absolutely no idea why i called her that...none. not even a clue.....jill had her baby, a little girl....cute, but gross. all babies look like chimps when they are born, and well im disgusted by the fact that she and tom are sooooo happy.... their family is so cute and close and well, gross....i got a new bed like 6 months ago, and i finally put it together this weekend...hahahaha, its just been on the floor for this whole time, super ghetto but whatev...and actually i didnt put it together at all, ziede did....my sister and i tried and cody and i tried and stephen and i tried before i quit talking to him(goodbye forever) and josh and i TALKED about trying, but it never happened, we couldnt figure it out....ziede took like 5 minutes and did it himself. hahahahah.......rachel is knocked up......hmmmm, im happy for her, because she is happy. she's been trying to have a baby for a while now so she was ready....im worried about her relationship w/ ziede though. he just quit talking to her all together....he says its because he doesnt want to be blamed when she and bill break up or whatev...i think its because he's sad that its not his baby....she's stoked though and even got a promotion at work which is going to mean way less physical labor for her, good cause she's knocked up....i get to be an auntie!! i cant wait to tell you the truth...as daddy says, 'yeah, another little white baby' hahahahaha.....wow, i really had absolutely nothing to write about today but i rambled long enough to be satisfied. check out my hair, yo.....pay no attention to the fact that my camera on my phone sucks ass...perhaps its from being thrown so many times, or maybe because its a ghetto ass LG that became obsolete in like 1997? whatev.........new fave song is 'walk through hell' by say anything...ive listened to it about 600 times in the last 3 days, driving everyone around me bonkers...but fuck them.ha.....but for this blog, going with an old stand by...........a favorite for sure........

♥

Well it's been ten years and a thousand tears
And look at the mess I'm in-
A broken nose and a broken heart,
An empty bottle of gin
Well I sit and I pray
In my broken down Chevrolet-
While I'm singin' to myself
There's got to be another way

Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain
I'm lonely and I'm tired
And I can't take any more pain
Take away, take away
Never to return again
Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain

Well I've searched and I've searched
To find the perfect life-
A brand new car and a brand new suit
I even got me a little wife-
But wherever I have gone
I was sure to find myself there-
You can run all your life
But not go anywhere


Well I'll pass the bar on the way
To my dingy hotel room-
I spent all my money
Been drinkin' since half past noon-
I'll wake there in the mornin'
Or maybe in the county jail-
Times are hard getting harder
I'm born to lose and destined to fail-