And if I could swim, I'd swim out to you in the ocean,

hey,

just wanted to write to let you know how amazing you are. i am thankful in so many ways that you came into my life, especially now. the first night i met you, i knew you were something special...thats why i asked if that girl was your girlfriend, remember? im pretty sure i fell for you the second you started breakdancing at ladies 80s! hahaha, then, when you reached down to pin roll your jeans to fit the part, i fell harder.....when we danced our asses off at the dub show at the v and you reached back and took my hand subconsciously, i felt electricity race through me like ive never felt before....especially because i didnt even know your name. when you called my job and gave me your number, my heart jumped into my throat....that night when we hung out and burned those first records, you found your way into my soul. and that first kiss was fucking amazing.....The little things you do show me that you are a real, caring, wonderful person who doesnt want to get hurt either...and i respect that. When you handed me all of those pins, i wanted to hold onto you forever....it was nothing, but it was something. I almost cried when you handed me that flower and then pinned it into my hair. When you whisper my name or ask if im going to stay the night with you in the sweetest, most innocent, non pressuring sort of way, i just want to fall into your arms and stay there. Im a mess when im around you, im all girly and goofy and thats hard to make me do. i have such strong walls built up around me that it took the man i married 7 years to realize he couldnt break them down. You make me want to take them down myself. Your big sad eyes pull me in so far that i just want to put my hands in your hair and tell you that everything is going to be alright. that you are going to make it through this phase, that you are going to get your life back to being YOUR life, that you will find love again and go for it,that your daughter is going to grow up to be a strong confidant, beautiful woman and youre going to be the reason....but i dont have magic powers, (or a utility belt for that matter) and i cant convince you. I know you feel the same way about me, and thats what is killing me. you want to know the future so that you dont fall for me and then it ends in tragedy like the last one did. and honestly, i cant tell you that it wont. all i can tell you is that i want to try.....i want to love you, josh. . if i just knew what your plan was for coming back, or not coming back, or whatever, i would know what im going to do from here. all of me wants to take care of you, and that is gross in my world, just so you know---its odd that i even want to be around someone, much less invest anything in them-----all of me wants to show you what the world can be like if you just let yourself fall. i have creds in this area, believe me. i have been kicked around and jaded and hurt so badly that it shouldve taken me out.....but it didnt. and a year ago, i let it all go.....of course it took a very very very long time to get there, and i understand thats where you are now.....but it feels really great to look in your eyes and watch you smile with your cartoon eyebrows and the honesty and innocence of the most emo of boys.....and let myself feel. i realize everyday that im probably scaring you away, by telling you how i feel about things, but then i figure out that if im going to really live MY life, and if im really going to look out for myself(the way youre trying to do now) and if im really going to LET myself feel real things....all things, not just sparks, not just desire, not just compassion, but ALL things, then i have to let you know...i cant watch you walk away without you knowing....i wont wonder 'what if' for the rest of my life.......so there it is. its up to you to decide where we go from here.......

And if I could swim, I'd swim out to you in the ocean,
Swim out to where you were floating in the dark.
And if I was blessed, I'd walk on the water you're breathing,
To lend you some air for that heaving sunken chest.

'Cause they chose you as the model for their empty little dreams,
With your new head and your legs spread like a filthy magazine.
And they hunt you, and they gut you, and you give in..

And if I was brave, I'd climb up to you on the mountain,
They led you to drink from their fountain, spouting lies.
And I'd slay the horrible beast they commissioned
To steer me away from my mission to your eyes.
And I'd stand there, like a soldier, with my foot upon his chest,
With my grin spread, and my arms out, in my bloodstained Sunday's best,
And you'd hold me, and remind you who you are.. under their shell...

I'd walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes
These soles are useless without you
Through hell for you, let the torturing ensue;
My soul is useless without you...

And if they send a whirlwind, I'd hug it like a harmless little tree
Or an earthquake, I'd calm it, and I'd bring you back to me,
And I'd hold you in my weak arms like a first born

I'd walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes,
these soles are useless without you
Through hell for you, let the torturing ensue
My soul is usless without you..