But I waited my whole life for just one.....

Chaos is the complexity of causality or the relationship between events. This means that any 'seemingly' insignificant event in the universe has the potential to trigger a chain reaction that will change the whole system. A well known saying in connection with this issue is "A butterfly flapping its wings in one part of the world can cause a hurricane on the other side of the earth." This is also known as the "butterfly effect"





maybe SLC for thanksgiving? i dont know, i really dont do holidays,and given the choice between sitting between my bros fighting and listening to me ma list all of the ways ive disappointed her over the years, and inflating my little brothers ego even more, and then getting too drunk and fighting w/ chris and wanting to leave ASAP, and missing ray because of memories of thxgivings past--and going to hang out w/ g and watch football and eat pie...this chick's choosing the latter...si? si. i dont know, i may not be able to afford it, and therefore be stuck doing the stupid dance w/ my mother...devin's not even coming!!! nah, forget it, if im not going to SLC, im going to cook at home...rumor has it, a man i know has some ninja skills in the kitchen...NINJA. super ninja if you were to ask him...speaking of ninja skills, this man has my senses on alert...ALL of my senses....its pretty much one of the scariest feelings ive ever had, and pretty much one of the best...i have worked very very hard this last year on getting my head together, and for the most part, ive done well...ppl around me notice.....whatever....ive learned lessons, ive satisfied parts of myself that honestly, i didnt know existed (read: big mike, washo) and i have been completely and utterly content with my life...its a struggle, dont get me wrong...raising a kid in this hella expensive city by myself----its rough. but spiritually, and mentally, and for that matter, physically i have felt better this year than ever....my ulcer hasnt flared in like 7 months....for me thats fuckin huge....havent had a migraine in over a year......i still dont sleep well, but im waiting on the cure for insomnia(robert, buy his hype, its good) to be bottled...and sleep HAS gotten better....anyway im rambling, i was trying to make the point that with a lot of work sometimes comes great reward....most of the time, it comes with just harder work and you have to search in the pile of service and meditation to find the reward but this time, i think it just fell right into my lap...i have to believe that i deserve this....i know how selfish that sounds, believe me....but im ok with it....i AM worth someones respect. i AM worth not being kept in a box (man, i think id marry mikey all over again.....puke.) i AM worth being happy....sincerely, contently, happy...robert is doing that for me. i dont need him in my life...i dont NEED anything, or anyone...but i can fully say (and mean it with all of me) that i WANT him in my life and i have the power to make that decision...do you know how enormous that is in lu land??? he makes me feel safe and honored and EQUAL. ive never ever ever had that. looking back at my gushings over washo, im a bit embarrassed...i took whatever it was that we had and blew it so far out of proportion that it never even had the opportunity to BE anything...does that make sense? i like josh, dont get me wrong, i think he's a really good kid...he has a good heart and will one day be a very decent man. and i think the old lu, the one who still comes out of the shadows every once in a while;like a fucking relapse, really just needed something from him...validation? probably. a cute boy to make out with while delphi was gone for the summer and i had too much time on my hands? definately. i have been locked into relationships my entire life...i needed to go forth and conquer....besides that, i have a soft spot for the innocent ones in my heart....maybe i thought i could corrupt him, or maybe i thought he could clean me up a bit...either way, i shouldve been completely aware of the ridiculosity of it....i am now.....hindsight is 20/20. and as ive said before, im thankful GRATEFUL for the lessons i learned in that time....besides, how could i recognize what i have with robert as being so good, without having seen so much of the bad? see what i mean? perspective changes everything....anyway, he's good.smiling for me is not the usual....well, at least it wasnt before i bailed on phx....but its at an all time extreme right now...my cheeks hurt from smiling...and i think thats good....no? yeah. totally. there is something just very very different about this man........i guess that in itself is one major difference, he is a grown ass man..not a boy who is emotionally fif-fucking-teen, or an adult who has the capacity of a 19 year old....nope, he's fully grown....and i LOVE that about him...its really good for me, remember a couple of blogs ago?? when i wrote about mike carroll? its called 'punk rock girl lets go slamdance.' um, i put it out there, and now here he is...not mike carroll exactly, but better....better because he is reality....i mentioned in that blog that im tired of 'dating' boys and that i really just want a real grown man who is super punk rock but very zen at the same time....well motherfuck.....maybe next i'll write about how i could use 3 million bucks.......

Day after day
I will walk and I will play
But the day after today
I will stop
And I will start my way
Why cant I get just one kiss
Why cant I get just one kiss
Believe me thered be somethings that I wouldnt miss
But I look at your pants and I need I need a kiss
Why cant I get just one screw
Why cant I get just one screw
Believe me I know what to do
But something wont let me make love to you
Why cant I get just one fuck
Why cant I get just one fuck
I guess its something to do with luck
But I waited my whole life for just one
Day after ay
I get angry
And I will say
That the day
Is in my sight
When Ill take a bow
And say goodnight