We could spend a lifetime waiting here

im scared to fucking death right now......its been entirely too long since my heart even existed, much less was put up for execution....i have these necklaces, you know---hearts, one that my gma gave me and one that i got from my sis...hearts....i wear them both ALL the time, they dont come off....because i was so convinced that i didnt have one, i thought if i wore it around my neck, that was good enough....robotics.....i talk about being a robot, a lot......because honestly, in order to keep myself sane through my marriage and through all of the hell that ive put myself through, and in order to be a mother to my child, i shut off. completely. completely. it took me 3 days to shed even one tear when ray died, and even then i couldnt muster tears, i felt numb more than anything....it wasnt until we buried him and i had to finally say goodbye that i was able to cry...it lasted about 5 minutes and it was over. this is the man that fathered my child and that i loved my ENTIRE lifetime. and i couldnt feel feelings for his loss....when my marriage ended, i felt nothing....but not even just the sad things have been foreign to me...its been very hard for me since i can remember to process and accept good things as well. i have spent a great deal of my lifetime pushing things out of my head, not feeling anything...for my own good....ive tried so hard to 'be here now' for so many years and truthfully, it has only begun working in the last year or so.....its been super hard, dont get me wrong, but its been worth it...to constantly remind myself to just BE. HERE. NOW. most times i have to breathe and say it out loud, sometimes its automatic ..being with robert is the most automatic ive ever experienced....because i dont want to be anywhere else. my mind does not wander to things i could or should be doing instead of just being with him.....i know how weird this is going to sound, but i have to put it out there, its so easy with him that its almost like we've been doing this thing for years.....its comfortable, its warm, and its real... and it scares me to death.now that im feeling feelings....any feelings, but especially these sort.....there is no turning back....if my heart breaks again, it will be the last time, i will not be able to find enough strength to ever want to care again. i know myself well enough for that...and while i feel like its putting a lot of pressure on roberts shoulders, my heart in his hands, i think he can handle it, and im pretty sure he's willing to accept the challenge.......


'...i dont like that car full of people just sitting there with their lights off like that, if this were the city, man or if it was 10 years ago, id fuckin roll up on those fools yo....wow, is that orion?'


Wake up it's time
We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind
I need to know I need to know tonight

Sweet and divine
Razor of mine
Sweet and divine
Razorblade shine

Patience my dear
We could spend a lifetime waiting here
Maybe this time
I hope I get the chance to say goodbye

Sweet and divine
Razor of mine
Sweet and divine
Razorblade shine

Day after day
Cutting away
Day after day
But anyway

Wake up it's time
We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind
I need to know I need to know tonight

Sweet and divine