I will always hold your hand I'll never let you fall

i miss him EVERYDAY. some days, more than others...today is one of those days....


everytime i look at my daughter, i miss him, everytime i feel the empty pillow next to mine,i miss him. everytime i remember what his kiss felt like, his touch, his smell, those amazing lips, that great smile, his positive outlook-i miss him. halloween season makes me miss him, the thought of moving hundreds of miles away to a new place, a new time, a new everything, i wish he was going with me....i just cant believe he is gone, i STILL cant believe he isnt here for me to call and vent to, he isnt here to reassure me that everything is going to be ok, that i AM worth so much more than i give myself credit for....i miss him so badly. the worm has my face, thats no doubt, but she is HIM. her mannerisms, her big sad eyes, her smile is his in replica, her build, her ability to bounce back from everything and keep on truckin is awe inspiring....there is so much i want to share with him, so many times in a day when i think of a song, or a moment in time, or a feeling, that was him....its hard to hold it together....he was there for me/with me, when bradley died, and NO ONE was with me when it was his turn...besides his family, and to a certain extent the worm, no one loved him like i did NO ONE...there will not be a little ray benefit concert/album/fundraiser for his kids like there was for brad, there will not be a week long memorial camping trip like there was for todd, there will not be an influx of friendship and love amongst our stupid group like there was for chuck, there will not be portraits painted like there was for steph.....its just me, and my thoughts of him and the hole left in my heart, my head, my life, my daughters upbringing, my circle of friends, my hippie crew.....its only been a couple of months, and i know im not 'supposed' to be 'over' this, but it still hurts so badly...i feel such sorrow for dylan who had him for such a short amount of time. at least i had him for most of my life, dylan will never know the man that his father was, he will never know how much he loved that kid....and for the worm, oh my god, she was just learning about him. she didnt even have the joy of having him in her life for more than a year...he was there, on the outskirts, but he was there. he loved her better from his post as 'uncle little ray' than mikey ever tried to fathom in his role as 'dad.' ray wouldve never ever ever left her with his mother/father/sister/aunt/roomate/girlfriend/whatev....just so he could go fuck around on the town...mikey seriously did AGAIN this weekend...all he had to do was spend a day and a half with her and he couldnt do it...he couldnt put his own selfish wants aside for less than 48 hours to spend time with this child....and to think that ray will never even have the opportunity to do that....hurts my heart....he loved his kids BOTH of them, so much so that he really was trying to get help, he really was trying to get himself together so he could watch them grow up....oh my god...i miss him so much. why is it that some days, i think about him and smile and then the very next day, i dont want to get out of bed because i may fall asleep and have a dream where i see his face? hear his voice....feel him next to me??? am i going to get through this? is there ever going to be a point where i can just accept the fact that he wont get to see the baby go to jr high, have a boyfriend, graduate???? fuck, she is going to be such a beautiful woman and he has a lot to do with that.....he is in her without a doubt, but its also because he taught me SO MUCH about how to push through...how to get up and keep going, how to be grateful for the small things in life....and i hope im passing that on to her...fuck knows im trying.....its just so so so hard to not have him...i took it for granted for so many years that he was going to be here, he was going to be with me.... now what? he used to look at me with those piercing green eyes and that crooked smile, those freckles, that warmth and say 'youre my girl......' i wasnt ready for that to go away


I never thought about it before
Just close your eyes and ignore
The dark that troubles you most
Don’t let it be here
And if you see it again
Hold your breathe and pretend
That you’re already dead

You’ll never be alone
I will always hold your hand
I’ll never let you fall
‘Cause nothing
Nothing else matters at all
If you’re scared just think of me
‘Cause you know ill never let you be
Anywhere but with me

Forget the story you heard
Why are you worried about the dirt
I don’t think that you’ll mind
When it’s your time
‘Cause I will be there with you
And well figure out what to do
So that you don’t get bored

You’ll never be alone
I’ll always hold your hand
I’ll never let you fall
‘Cause nothing
Nothing else matters at all
If you’re scared just think of me
‘Cause you know ill never let you be
Anywhere but with me

So try to sleep with a smile
I promise ill wait a while
To make sure that you moved on
You won’t be lost
I will always hold your hand
Ill never let you fall
‘Cause nothing
Nothing else matters at all
If you’re scared just think of me
‘Cause you know ill never let you be
Anywhere but with me