hmmm, well not that any of you fags really read this, and not that it matters...but its venting time once again....
sometimes in life, adult issues arise. you know, like divorce, taxes, death, pregnancy, car payments...etc....and in these times, most ppl revert back to being 13. not because they are un intelligent, or immature, really...but because they are frightened and it is a defense mechanism. and believe me I know defense mechanics....mine are usually 1.puke 2.worry till i cant sleep more than 10 minutes at a time 3.break stuff 4.drunk 5. fucking DEAL WITH IT!!! most times in that order, but you know, things happen..cogs are thrown in wheels etc...but the bottom line, it always ends in me dealing with whatever is at hand. the new boy told me today that he worries about me being ok....are you kidding me? it was a reminder that he does not yet know the lu within and may never...things have been going so great...ive been falling head over heels crazy backward goofy for this boy and then---------scccccccccreeeeeeeech......like bad breaks on a 'runaway truck ramp' on i-40. leads me to believe that its me, not him...blah blah blah same as i always do...but then i realize that nah, fuck that...its him. i have been very adult and chill with this entire situation (obviously leaving out a HUGE part of this story if you couldnt tell, grant) and he has dropped the ball repeatedly...is it his age? he is a bit younger...but age is nothing but a number when you have life experiences that make you older than your years....he's been married, he has a kid, he knows what i deal with on a daily basis as far as baby mama(daddy)drama..so thats not it...he's been in and out of various drug related situations like i have so its not like he can pull the 'youre an addict' card on me....he grew up with crazy tweeker alcoholics like i did so its not that he doesnt understand my family issues.....so what the fuck is it? takes me back to the defense mechanism theory...he wants to pretend that he is 13 so that none of this is real and or actually happening. he told me the other night that he doesnt want to get attached to me, then he rode his bicycle over and passed out in my bed just so he could 'be near me.' contradicting? yes. so sweet it makes me want to puke? yes. so amazingly wonderful? yes....accepted by MY defense mechanics? nope. so now what? we're at a definate turning point in our 'relationship(whatever that means).' and it can go either way from here. we could stop seeing each other and just go back to running around in circles looking for someone to pass the time with...or we could realize that everything happens for a reason and move on together for an extended amount of time(?). im so confused like usual and rambling MORE than usual...but this has been helpful...just being able to put it out somewhere instead of just in my head is good...i think....fuck maybe not....i think im tripping on this so much because i could see myself loving this boy and that scares the shit out of me. every man ive ever loved is dead now...whether physically or emotionally...they are all dead. not to say there has been a LOT...but of the 3 men i have said 'i love you' to, 2 are in their graves and one is burning in his own private hell of lesbians and chlamydia. now ive got the new one....and i dont want to kill him, so i will never tell him that i love him...no matter what happens....even if i do get LULU drunk...fuck...im out.
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6 comments:
time to be candid:
the guy is 100% baked out of his skull 100% of the time. he has no personality and virtually no self-awareness, let alone emotional intelligence. he falls back on his base instincts - he likey lulu and not wanty see you down - yet he hasn't the knowhow to take the steps to either prevent it, or make amends when he causes it. i'm not sure he knows what consequences are, either. i know this stoner mentality ok? back home after college when rent was a week late and i was unemployed and stoned sitting on the couch watching miami vice reruns and fox news...aw...it's all good, things will work out. whatever. don't read too much into this comment - you already have one 'Brian' in your life you don't need any more. but sometimes i feel that my drunken bluntness...bluntivity, bluntitude, whatever, is the tough love you need to help you snap out of it and take care of shit. take it or leave it. see you at work, pikey.
first of all, i am not pikey. 2nd of all, he DOES have personality and plenty of self awareness, you dont know him as i do...emotional intelligence--absolutely not. THAT is the part that kills me.
You're right, I don't know him as you do. But you've shared too much with me. Every time he visits, every text msg he sends, every call at 2am, you talk about it - and it's been enough for me to piece together a few things. Spring break in the Bay Area for example. Now with everything going on, you're floating out to sea and I don't think he knows how to throw you a line. And I feel bad, because me, Code, Pat, Dev, Jenny, we all pushed you towards him because we thought he was the light at the end of the tunnel. And he probably is good buddy material. But, again, all the seriousness lately has revealed some of his true colors.
heres the thing---im not trying to have a life changing, rebounding sort of relationship with this guy...he's not someone im going to marry, or commit to at that. ive done all that shit...now, id like to have a point in my life where i am NOT tied to one man, and i can be who and what i need to be for MYSELF and more importantly my kid.i realize he has not been very helpful in this newest situation nor was he when i had to bury the only man ive ever been IN LOVE with but so what? hes someone who i have a good time with, who helps pass the time between arguments and deaths and restraining orders and custody battles and child support hearings and license suspendings....see what im saying? no, he's not prince charming, but i am no princess...i am enjoying where i am right now...sorry if that upsets YOU.
i watched Big Lebowski the other day, and after reading this, all I want to do is quote the movie...i could probably make a coherent comment using only Lebowski quotes if I wanted, but I don't. So there.
What Steve said, is like, just his opinion, man. And I say, mark it 8 dude. Cuz if you like the dude, and give a shit about the rules, then you're gonna have a good time. It's not like he's a nihilist, or making bad beaver pictures. I mean, as long as he hates the fucking Eagles, it should work out, right?
Seriously though, I missed a lot of this story, which you clearly noted in the blog, but if you like to spend time with him, then don't pressure him to make a commitment that he is either scared or not ready to make. Just have fun with the dude. Keep him around as long as it's working out, and if, in the long (or short) run, it doesn't. So be it.
Love you, Lu!
Miss your stupid face...
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